Because NOBODY's story should ever end at chapter 19....

I must say I personally cringed yesterday when I knew that it was something upon me to post that which was written in Chapter 19.  

This morning as I was praying I just kept saying to God that though this last chapter isn't truly ready to be shared, I couldn't leave people at chapter 19.  That is not the last statement of a life gone very very wrong during a very long season.

While this "blog post" is certainly not a blog post (much to long for that)  and while it has not been fixed up or edited much, I wanted to give you the end of the story... or let me put it this way.. the place where the story ends thus far.....


My life is a life framed out in redemption not abuse!  My life is a life bursting with light not with darkness!  My  life is a life of one who knows the depths of forgiveness and grace and mercy and triumph!  I am not of those who shrink back but in Christ I have overcome!  I am grateful for the debt that was paid, I am grateful for the love that was lavished, I am grateful that I was never forsaken.


Our God is an amazing God!  His capacity to bring redemption to all blows my mind!  This life I now live causes me to gasp and stand in awe daily.... that is the fruit of all that has transpired....  I stand in awe daily of God because of what He has done!!!  That is a great place to be.....

Maybe I should have broken this up a little bit more...  I am just eager to share with you the last chapter that has been written as I walk forward into those yet to come.....





Chapter Sixty-Three...

Jennifer was coming down an escalator looking at a woman, looking at her mom,her striking white hair and somewhat pale complexion lighting up as eyes met.

Mutual smiles bursting out upon faces as each spotted the other and Jennifer walked down the remaining few steps into the arms of her mother.

They hadn't seen each other since the Fall.

Normal Thanksgiving plans had had to be changed as the family grappled with the diagnosis of Patricia's sister and the need for surgery. The family would normally gather together, with Jennifer and her family driving up from the South and the rest of the family driving in from further North. Right around the Manhattan area these pieces of family would gather together for their one time a year and give thanks.

Except Jennifer had heard something in Patricia's voice and knew something was wrong. Her mom expressed that her aunt would be calling and Jennifer's heart dropped. Between the avoidance of answering questions and the foreboding of an impending call she was left just to wait.

Still one of the family's weaknesses, communication, always seemed like the most difficult of tasks.

But then the phone call had come.

Jennifer saw on caller ID that it was indeed her aunt.

Answering the phone it wasn't long before they were neck deep into a conversation that was once again was altering the family. Jennifer's heart and mind rushed a mile a minute thinking of all the questions she wanted to ask, knowing her aunt would field them so very well, but wanting every word to be full of sincerity and appreciation for what her aunt was now finding herself having to walk through.

Phone call over.

Jennifer leaned her head upon the stirring wheel.

Pausing.

Birds still chirped.

The sky was still blue.

The sweet floating puffy white clouds were still floating and puffy and white.

Why did everything feel so surreal?

Jennifer's mind raced all over the place.

Back in time to the refuge her aunt's house had been.

Back in time to car rides when during the Summer she would go and stay with her aunt and uncle, where within the moment she felt understood by someone. She thought about how as a child that she within her aunt she found that there was actually someone alive that when Jennifer would talk about the torment of Faye truly understood her and helped her to understand she was perceiving correctly.

This woman, this woman was now sick. This woman who now had the battle of her life in front of her was now no longer a mathematical given that she would be around.

Jennifer paused in that moment and thought about her mom.

Thought about Patricia, who having lost Mitchell over sixteen years prior, must be agonizing over that which was facing her sister now. Jennifer's mind raced all over the place landing on how most recently she had been struggling with immense anger towards her aunt.

Now that seemed so stupid.

Jennifer's heart entering into immediate repentance for harboring hatred and anger.

The words her aunt had spoken to her years before had laid as torment upon her adult heart. “I knew something was off. I didn't know what but I knew. I just didn't want to step back into Faye's world. I tried to tell your mother you needed help.”

Jennifer remembered what help came.

It was her tutor back when they had lived on Hill Crest Dr.

Patricia had received the counsel of her sister and in acknowledging that Jennifer needed help had acquired an academic tutor. The Galliant family's god was education. And everything could be fixed by a higher level of instruction, a degree, and a tutor.

Jennifer had felt comfort at her aunt's home.

It was the one place that she felt safe.

Well, especially when Sebastian wasn't there.

If the whole family was visiting although there wasn't an Atari to be watched there certainly was sex to be had.

Except in the yearly moments when Jennifer would be allowed to enter into her aunt's world for a week, alone, without any other member of her household she soaked in a different reality.

It was as if within those moments magical droplets of life would ever so meticulously drip and drop upon Jennifer's heart. It was as if a hardened sponge left on the window sills of life, forgotten, was remembered and taken down and brought back to existence and purpose.

Always too brief Jennifer clung to each remembrance of those moments as if they were pure gold.

Except in a beautiful display of sincerity her aunt had apologized to her and while she had initially appreciated the expression that came forth from her aunt, it also haunted her.

Here was the one person who somewhat had had eyes to see even if dimly that something was wrong yet in not wanting to step back into Faye's orbit of destruction and chaos she had chosen not to pursue the issues any further.

Jennifer got it.

Believe me, Jennifer got it.

She, herself, had hungered to escape Mitchell's death grip and Faye's wrath. It just hurt to know that the one person who had been a refuge hadn't truly fought for her either. The sting of it landed upon a heart that already clung deeply to the notion that the encasement of that heart was not worth anyone giving her the time of day let alone fighting for her.

It was during Jennifer's stay within the Carrier foundation, a private mental health facility, that Jennifer was told there was a phone call for her.

It was her aunt.

It had been almost two years since Jennifer had disclosed to her family that which had occurred between her and Sebastian.

Eighteen months to be exact.

A year and a half full of craziness and torment as Jennifer wrestled to keep distance from her family and deal with the reality of her past for truly the first time in her life. It had been eighteen months from the phone call home to Patricia bearing forth her heart and trying to confess her past indiscretions, to encountering insanity all around her causing her and Charles to flee across the country, to coming home only to again be shown that Sebastian was not going to tell the truth and Jennifer was not going to have the homecoming she so desperately needed.

Charles and Jennifer had run into more unusual circumstances than either of them had even known what to do with, that coupled with the reality of Jennifer's past and present erupting upon her like Mount St. Helens, was enough to set off a whole fields of a land mines and everything was waiting to explode.

…...................................................................................

Jennifer realized how far her mind had traveled.

Maybe it was being back in New England.

Maybe it was a million things that had caused her mind to trace back so many years gone by...

The frigid air hit Jennifer straight in the face as she and her mom headed towards the car.

“Where do you want to go to lunch?”

“Oh, you remember that place that we went to the last time. I can't remember the name of it but it was that restaurant that was inside the house.”

Jennifer's mom knew exactly where it was that she wanted to go. This was the area that Patricia excelled at more than almost any other human being upon the face of the earth. Maybe it was compulsion or maybe it truly was just the way she was most intrinsically wired. Maybe Faye had been dead long enough that the majority of the hindrances that ensnared Patricia from being herself were falling off.

As Jennifer beheld her mom truly taking her in, thinking about the essence of who this woman that was before her was, with all that she wasn't she most certainly was kind and generous.

The two women were seated by a waiter whose accent and mannerisms had Jennifer smiling, the old familiar New England ways were in the air.

Jennifer did love this place.

An old farm house converted into a restaurant Jennifer remembered the Mimosa she had had the last time she and her mom frequented this location.

Picking up the menu, looking through all the options, Jennifer and her mom were somewhat struggling with conversation. Whether that was true on both sides or it was just what was resident within Jennifer's heart she could not fully discern.

The talk quickly fell into dialogue about the kids and life back in the Carolinas.

There was always so very much to share when it came to Lucy's antics.

The youngest of the Madison clan, Lucy, was the epitome of precocious three year old.

Vivacious and lively, sensitive and sweet, this child's vocabulary and intelligence, wit and charm wowed strangers and those that knew her alike.

There weren't enough journals or voice memo recorders to capture all that one would want to in regards to Lucy and her antics or what would come out of her mouth.

Patricia and Jennifer laughed and laughed as Jennifer tried to remember and share all the new news regarding her.

Conversation followed up the line, having started with the youngest the natural progression had Jennifer sharing about William. Where Lucy was outgoing (to say the very least), William was more on the shy side. Tender and sweet were the best two ways to describe the youngest boy of the Madison tribe. William's emotional sensitivities were beyond his years. Kindness just oozed out of him in a most generous way that often caused Jennifer to pause, it was that remarkable.

They were the “babies,” one of Jennifer's closest friends would tease her regarding the fact that the “babies” were now six and four and that if she wasn't careful twenty years from now she would still be calling them the “babies.”

Jennifer knew her friend was probably right.

But when six years separated them from the older four it felt the most natural way of things to group them together along with such a title.

It was the older four and the “babies,” that was how Jennifer would often speak of them if she was grouping her family together.

It was remarkable to Jennifer that she was indeed the mother of six children. She hadn't even ever wanted to be a mother. She loved telling people that story. She loved telling people that story not just to elicit the reaction that most always came, she loved telling people that story because it was so saturated with hope and a redemptive quality that it landed upon the hearts of the hearers in a way that brought life.

Jennifer had never wanted to be a mom.

There wasn't much she could put her finger on that she wanted to duplicate from her own experience and she wasn't convinced she had the capacity within herself to not repeat the past.

The anguish of that possibility rode upon Jennifer's back like a two-ton gorilla, better to leave that whole area alone than attempt and fail, leaving a human being in the world, having to fend for itself without the capacity to do so. That reality would be more than Jennifer thought she could ever bare.

Jennifer's memory drifted back decade after decade.

Back to when Charles and her would come back from California.

Jennifer had so spiraled downwards that it wasn't rock bottom she was hitting it was far beyond that, she was gone. All that had transpired as she had walked through the journey of revealing everything with Sebastian, not really ever fully dealing with all that had occurred in Lancaster, truly not really ever fully dealing with a life having gone so very wrong Jennifer's exhaustion and lack of capacity to live was bearing down upon her and she was faltering every which way.

She had so loved Charles.

Jennifer could remember back to the very first time she had ever laid eyes upon him.

…..................

“Well that's William and Lucy, how are the others?”

Again Jennifer's mind was being brought back to the present.

Shaking her head as memories of days gone by drifted back away.

Trying to focus on Patricia and the visit, Jennifer started to talk about what was going on in Michael's life, the oldest, almost eighteen, he had so thoroughly changed Jennifer's life.

Talking about him, talking about all of them, was like Jennifer's most favorite thing to do.

Again her thoughts drifted, Jennifer remembered having put Norplant into her left arm. It was a birth control method that was good for five years. Put right under the skin, the device slowly released what was needed to prevent pregnancies. Charles would make a most fabulous father it was herself, that Jennifer worried about.

While the doctor had warned her all about the possible side affects Jennifer had none. None of the extra bleeding, none of the weird scheduling of periods, no bad cramping, nothing... five years, here we come was Jennifer's thoughts.

Except Jennifer had felt for a while this stirring that she was desperately trying to suppress. She actually kept thinking she was hearing The Confessor asking for her to take out the device and to have a child.

Jennifer had gone to all those she received consul from and asked them what they thought, never telling them what she herself was thinking or feeling and definitely not speaking of what she felt was on The Confessor's heart. She would just ask questions that would inquire about would The Confessor actually ever ask such a thing, and didn't the person who she was asking the questions of think and more importantly agree that Charles and her were very young and they could most certainly wait out the time that the Norplant was affording them.

Everything was going to be fine.

Well.. that was true. Matter of fact everything was going to be more than fine.

But just not the way Jennifer was thinking or planning.

Charles and Jennifer had been out together taking a walk.

A dull ache had been in Jennifer's left arm all day.

The dull ache was turning more and more into sharp stabbing pains.

Charles was concerned.

Especially at how quickly the pain was increasing.

He decided he was going to take Jennifer to the Emergency Room. By the time they arrived he was beyond grateful that he had made that choice. By the end of the night the five strips were out of Jennifer's arm and she was being bandaged up and sent home to recover.

Sitting in bed that night, Jennifer was beyond conflicted.

Tormented at the thought of motherhood.

Tormented by her lack.

Tormented by her doubt.

Trying to get some sleep she just kept tossing and turning.

Finally she got up to make herself some tea.

Sitting at the kitchen table, Jennifer held the warm mug in her hands.

She sat there quieting herself turning towards The Confessor, “I just can't do this. I can't believe you are asking me to have a baby. I'm not sure it is anything I want.”

“You make your choices out of fear.”

“What else is new.”

“I want you to make your choices out of confidence.”

“I don't know how that happens.”

“Do you trust me?”

Jennifer paused.

Looking up towards The Confessor, knowing his presence so filled and saturated the room.

Jennifer paused.

Looked at him.

Knowing him.

Knowing he would never lead her astray.

She wouldn't always, barely ever understand all that he asked of her, but he would never leave her wanting.

His goodness had captivated her from the very beginning.

She smiled.

The thought of his goodness.

The thought of how even within that song that the little blind boy had sung on that episode of Little House his goodness had erupted upon her life. Before she had ever even knew him.

He had been leaving kisses for her all along the way.

Comforting her in moments when she didn't even recognize it as him or acknowledge it as him.

How could she not trust him with these things?

Fear was palpable.

“In one generation.”

“What?”

“In one generation I can change a bloodline.”

Jennifer wasn't even fully sure of what he was saying. Definitely not knowing what it all meant. Except three months after her visit to the ER and removal of Norplant, a positive pregnancy test would be shown to Charles, who couldn't be more excited.

Jennifer stared back at her mom, words just flowing about Michael. What he was thinking regarding colleges, how his current girl friend was, all of accomplishments and achievements. The words, “In one generation I can change a bloodline,” passed back into her heart and mind.

It was coming to pass.

It had come to pass in so many ways already that caused immense gratitude to course through Jennifer's person.

It had come to pass and Jennifer had beheld with her own eyes the goodness of The Confessor in a land of life. On the day that Michael was flying from Charlotte up North to visit some colleges, Jennifer and he had sat at the terminal eating some lunch and getting some frozen yogurt. Jennifer loved her relationship with her adult son, still only seventeen at the time, he was certainly an adult. Jennifer just looked and looked at him. To behold him was for her to behold the promises of The Confessor in full right before her living color.

At seventeen it wasn't a matter of if Jennifer was going to implode it was just a matter of when, yet here she was in that one generation that The Confessor had spoken of, standing at the gate watching her son at the very same age.

It wasn't that she thought him perfect, nor did she think he would be without obstacles to face. Except what was different was she had the certainty that he was equipped. He was vastly equipped and ready to take on this next stage of life, this 18-25 passage of time.

They had had lunch with fabulous conversation. They had grabbed some fun yogurt together. Then it was time for him to head to the gate. She could sense he wanted some time to experience this in his way. She looked up at him. She stared at her first born. He pulled her into his side giving her the greatest hug. Kissing her on top of her head which was one of his signature moves in regards to her, she knew he was saying I'll see you soon.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“Call when you get there.”

“OK.”

Jennifer backed off.

Backed off but didn't leave. She actually wouldn't leave for over an hour. He had already walked down the ramp, the plane had already left, but Jennifer sat. Tears gently streamed down her face.

The Confessor had promised.

He had promised.

He had spoken that in one generation he would change a bloodline.

If she would just trust him.

If she would be willing to have children.

If she would receive his desire for her to be a mother.

If she would step into what he had for her and get pregnant with Michael and the others that would follow.

Again it wasn't nor had it been perfect.

Yet she was thoroughly changed and being changed from all of them.

This milestone.

This milestone of seeing Michael in line within a crowded terminal, seeing him “ready,” even remembering how he had pulled her in and kissed the top of her head, had shown her just how very well The Confessor's promise was coming to pass.

Her right hand lifted touching the place upon her hair that his lips at left their signature display of affection towards her.

….....................................................................................

“So that's Michael.” Jennifer's thoughts raced back to her mother.

The food had come.

They had eaten.

Jennifer needed some ribbon to finish a present she had brought for her aunt, Patricia knew where they could go, so having paid the bill, they both got up and headed back to the car.

Opening the door Jennifer was quickly reminded of where she was as the cold air bit at her face.

Quickly moving towards her mother's car.

Jennifer watched Patricia walk in front of her.

Her mom was a beautiful giving person.

Her strengths were definitely her strengths.

They had fought so hard to get to where they were and yet at times it felt recently like they were faltering again. As if what Patricia had to say crossed over what Jennifer's heart needed to hear and vice versa. Jennifer wondered about this visit. She wondered about how to make it meaningful. Knowing how important things like this were to her mom, Jennifer really wanted to try very hard.

They went to the craft store, picked out ribbon and again returned to the car.

Patricia turned to Jennifer.

“I need to talk to you.”

Not even starting the car.

Patricia just expressed how sorry she was for how when a few weeks back she hadn't been able to reach Jennifer and being concerned for her, she had texted Michael to see how her daughter, his mother was, and what she was up to and if he could tell her to please give her a call.

Michael had come in and asked why Jennifer wasn't calling nana and to let her know that she had texted him.

Jennifer had called her mother back.

Asked her not to ever text or call Michael again in regards to their relationship. While she completely valued Patricia's affections and involvement in Michael's life, she was not to step into a place of what Jennifer saw as inappropriate communication.

Patricia wanted Jennifer to know how very sorry she was, then in a heart breaking moment Patricia just started to express how much fear was resident in her own heart regarding Jennifer's safety.

Patricia had started the car and was heading home towards the apartment.

Words flowed forth from her mouth expressing her heart in regards to how when she doesn't hear from Jennifer and when Jennifer doesn't answer her texts she gets concerned.

Beyond concerned Patricia became full of fear.

Patricia communicated how she couldn't fully fathom why so much fear was resident. But it was.

Before Jennifer could even really give thought to what would come forth out of her mouth, words just started to be blurted out, pouring out with immense compassion for her mother and all her mother had walked through.

“Mom, have you ever considered that maybe you haven't fully process how I disappeared. Mom, I took your car, I ran away, I left no indication of where I was or where I was going, then when I was found there were still horrific things to be dealt with. Mom have you ever considered that you are afraid for me still to this day because of all that has happened.”

Having started Jennifer didn't even realize where it was she was about to head, nothing of this was preplanned, nothing of this had she even thought she would even touch during this visit.

Usually visits had genuine relationship within them, although the last few visits had been more and more tense, with both Jennifer and her mom feeling it. But usually visits had eating out, doing a little bit of shopping, maybe catching a movie and all other sorts of things, depending on if Jennifer was up in Rhode Island or Patricia was down in South Carolina.

It wasn't even as if Jennifer had ever even anticipated having this conversation with Patricia but before she could realize she was leaping she had already taken the plunge.

“Mom forget just Lancaster. Mom have you ever considered the amount of guilt you must carry around for everything that happened between Sebastian and I? Have you? Mom, I don't know how a mother confronts something like that. I really don't. But mom, mom, you need to know that I am ok.” And there. Right there. It was as if Jennifer had one hundred percent without even thinking hit the bulls eye.

“Mom, I'm ok. You need to know that I'm ok. I'm ok mom. I'm ok with the things with Sebastian. I am ok with the things with Faye. I am ok. I'm ok.”

Patricia was driving and weeping and Jennifer was watching the road and her mother as those words just kept being repeated and repeated. Finally they pulled into a parking space right near the apartments neither making any effort to exit the car.

Conversation after conversation was being had.

Jennifer talked about Faye and how Faye's involvement within the family dynamics messed everything up.

She shared about the time when she thought she was pregnant with Sebastian's baby and how Faye had come into a darkened room, seeing that Jennifer had been crying and asked Jennifer what was going on, getting an answer that just had her exclaim how much of a horrid child she was, Faye had only turned the lights back off and exited the room shutting the door behind her.

She shared about the time she had tried to kill herself and but her father's sister would have succeeded.

Patricia had so many questions that were being asked too. It was as if both of them had had enough of living in the stink and shame that had accumulated from a pile of manure left by the tribe of elephants that were still forever resident in the living room of the Galliant family history.

Almost at the same time both of them landed on the topic of Sebastian, how they both believed that he was abused by the next door Papa. How it had started oh so very young.

Everything, everything had been a recipe for disaster. Mitchell's choices, Faye's reality, Papa's horror, and then even Patricia began to talk about some of that time in regards to how desperate and numb she had felt.

Moments became hours and still they were both sitting in the car.

Patricia and Jennifer exited the car, standing there as if zoo keepers had come not only to clean up the huge piles of excrement but had moved the elephants altogether, they headed up towards the apartment.

A fellow resident passed the two of them noting how Jennifer's flip flops were interesting foot wear.

The two exchanged the conversation that goes with her having flown in from South Carolina and making brief introductions, they wished one another well as each headed into the respective apartment.

…...........................

Jennifer rarely getting the opportunity had slept in. Opening up her eyes she immediately realized that it was probably even later on in the morning that what she had thought.

Sitting up Jennifer saw her aunt out of the corner of her eye.

Motioning for her to come near, Jennifer wanted to tell her aunt about the conversation with Patricia.

She had tried to mouth something the night before but wasn't able to accurately mouth enough words that her aunt would be able to comprehend the magnitude of all that had transpired. There was also the place where Jennifer wasn't sure how Patricia was feeling and Jennifer wanted to be sensitive.

Patricia had gone out for the morning paper, so it was just she and her aunt.

“You will never believe what happened yesterday.”

“What?”

“We spoke yesterday. I mean really spoke. About everything. I mean everything.”

“You didn't”

“No, Yes I did.”

“My mom got to talking about how concerned she is always for me and how so much fear lives within her still. So Sarah I just started to talk about Lancaster and about Sebastian and how we have never dealt with any of these things truly openly as a family. I talked about the guilt and shame and fear that she is under still because of all these things and then I told her, and Auntie if I told her once I told her over and over again, I just couldn't stop. I told her that I was ok.. I kept saying it, not even saying it any differently. Just kept telling her I was ok. That it was alright and that I was ok. But Auntie, really I didn't even know where it was all coming from, I mean I hadn't planned on any of it .. she just kept talking about how afraid she was and I couldn't just leave her there without any help or possible insight.”

Jennifer and her aunt kept talking it over and over all the things that Jennifer and her mom had shared.

Patricia walked in the door of the apartment and went straight into her bedroom to drop off some packages. Coming out there was the usual small talk amidst the three of them and as the conversation rolled out Jennifer's heart felt tweaked.

She really wanted to honor her mother in these moments.

“Mom, I want you to know that I need to apologize to you. Auntie came out and I so wanted to share about everything we talked about. I think this is amazing what is happening but I want to first say that I am really sorry that I didn't.. I mean that we didn't.. I mean that I didn't take into consideration what you wanted. If you would have wanted something different. I'm sorry I didn't wait for you to get back and privately ask you if it was alright to include Auntie Sarah in upon all that we have been talking about.. I just think this is incredible what is happening. These conversations and I wanted to include her.”

In the way Patricia handles most things, she went to brush the apology off.

“No mom you need to hear my heart. I want to honor you. I want you to know that you are valuable in this process. I want you to know that I was wrong in doing this. I should have waited. I should have talked to you first. Please hear what I am saying. You are important to me. Your feelings in this are important to me. I just think we have this opportunity.”

Patricia got it.

“I understand. Thank you. Yes.. this is important.”

There was some more conversation. There was some puttering back and forth into the kitchen and back towards the table. Then the three of them would sit down and hour after hour after hour would again pass as more elephants were escorted out of the family history.

Food would be laid out, tears would be shed, hands would be held and in a course of a day a lifetime of sorrow would begin to exhale. Resolution being found in the silencing of enemies and exposure of elephants.

Still many a road needed to be walked down upon.

A grand healing had emerged actually doing more than just that it had truly begun.

Elephants upon elephants had shrunk and shrunk and shrunk until almost in a kerplop type moment no longer truly existed, the chains broken off, the herd let out to pasture.

The howling nightmarish screeches of the devils who owned the darkness of the past were being silenced, their hauntings and lies unmasked for what they were and light and truth poured into what had once been their dominion.

Conversations that opened up the cages and pointed at each elephant had brought such a depth of healing. A deep penetrating peace permeated the very fabric of Jennifer's being.

So much had never been said.

She had perished in the dank clammy oppression of silence.

Words that had seemed almost incapable of being formed where not only formed, they were upon the lips, they were being spoken.

The lie that if Jennifer ever talked all would perish.

Her mom would be destroyed.

Her family would fall apart.

It would all be her fault.

That lie was exposed.

Instead of death Jennifer never felt so alive.

Instead of burdened by weights upon her back and duct tape across her mouth, Jennifer felt courage and boldness and confidence.

She hadn't made up these things.

Jennifer sat there, in an apartment, at a table, in between two of the women who had been care takers and to whose charge her younger years had been entrusted to and the conversations that kept unfolding weren't liken unto the water that caused the wicked witch of west to disappear.

They were more like the moment when the curtains were pushed back and instead of an all powerful, horrifying, all encompassing wizard there was but a little man and a big machine.

Secrets.

Lies.

Abuse.

Neglect.

Confusion.

Pain.

People.

They were all people trying to walk through life with that which they knew, with their own hurts, their own lack, their own pain.

Jennifer stood in that moment.

Having lived and yet now standing at a most interesting place, healing upon healing had already been hers and yet now she was in this moment where the strength born forth from the past was merging into a true reality where her heart was being shared with some of the very people she had always wanted to have these conversations with.

She had the remembrances of other times upon her, the memory of what it all felt like, the level of brokenness, nothingness; how she had coped with “living” (if it can be called that) from such a place without a fully formed conscience, without feeling or understanding remorse.

The need that had become so great that caused her life to become strictly about survival and never about thriving or flourishing.

The top effort was always about survival.

A different time when to speak truth carried with it the fear of brought on destruction, fear was the best friend always holding her back.

Now, in these moments, her greatest desire was being actualized.

Sharing and speaking and understanding being brought but not just to strangers but to those who were intimately known by her, who had intimately known her.

Jennifer felt like as if her life's message was being formed and actualized.

Her greatest desire, her primary effort .. she wanted to show that actually that which was not being shared, the things that were not being spoken of, the things that were allowed to exist in darkness, in corners, closets, rooms.. the proverbial elephants, the demons.. that those things were and are the things that are actually killing us.

Here she had been brought to below sub human levels in her life and her experiences.

She was created to soar yet human experience had reduced her to a cage, malnourished and hostile surroundings had been her elementary lessons with the more severe ones coming later.

She wasn't meant to live outside of these things control.

She had never even ever been equipped to do so.

The ideas of what make one human would course through Jennifer's being.

The cynical sarcastic hardened questions of what is humanity anyway, the lack of belief in an element like hope and its capacity to actually bare up under any real sort of weight.

Her capacity for self-preservation and survival had been her life line even as poorly as she had been able to hold onto it at times, it was survival at the basest level.

When threatened what emerged was either defeat and death or ingenuity, creativity, courage, cruelty.

She had learned the lessons of only the fittest survive.

She had faced a world where base survival was not a given.

Knowing that she would either emerge the victor or six feet under.

That reality was all too real to her.

When resources are so limited and all starts to push in upon the beast, just trying to survive that place most wouldn't want to be standing in anyway, shape or form near the creature's exit path.

It will be harm or be harmed, kill or be killed, vanish or be made to vanish.

Such a being, creature, or human.. or human more morphed into the form and characteristics of creature can not be weighed or sorted out by eyes or hearts that have not had to face similar events. One might think of themselves as noble and heroic only to end up contorted into fraud and monster given the right or rather 'very wrong,' set of circumstances.

Faced with harrowing circumstances time after time after time – being pushed off center – off composure, off dignity, off remorse, off conscience … it is the most noble of beings that emerges even breathing.

Survival takes on a very different form and appearance.

There is life and living and then there is life.

Living beyond existence, living beyond status quo.. excelling into a place where procurement of peace has put fragmented bones and pieces of a soul back together.

The soul that can and does emerge from the battle field of the landscape of dry bones is left stronger having been so fully broken down yet with grace able to emerge.

The being who emerges and emerges even one iota intact emerges and that which was scattered to the winds gets called back.

Jennifer was tasting what it meant to not just exist.

Jennifer was tasting the concept of what it meant to thrive and truly flourish maybe not for the first time in her life but definitely so much more fully than she had ever known.

The Confessor had birthed within her the notion of advocate.

He had held out to her an invitation into life, to bare forth an image greater than that of her own.

She wasn't just being empowered towards living she was being granted life.

Her tongue had tasted so much darkness, abuse, death … but now she had tasted and seen the goodness that exuded forth from him, seeing him in the land of the living.

Her appreciation for such places, her appreciation for life and living was something that was being branded upon her.. as fear and it's shadows fell more and more off of her perfection in love was quickly filling in.

In her voice being unlocked, in grabbing a hold of the courage to speak and be heard, her eyes were be empowered to truly see those that surrounded her and a heart that had had such a depth of need of compassion would become a well spring of grace for those caught in similar situations and surroundings.

As one who could whisper into the souls of men..

Jennifer was holding The Confessor's hand, beholding his gaze and becoming more and more like him.

An image bearer was being called forth.

She would learn to bear his image well, dripping herself with grace and mercy, exuding compassion and faith for those whose bones had been broken too, whose lives were more liken to a pile of dried out old bones then to the flesh human they actually were.

She had been let out of a cage, now The Confessor was showing her that her life would be a key for the cages of others. She had needed comfort and now she would comfort others with the comfort she herself had received.

The visit had continued beyond the marathon of shit removal into some fun dinners, time in Providence and casually hanging out in the apartment together watching a movie.

The first day and a half had carried weight and depth of meaning that they would touch upon again and dip into lightly throughout the rest of the visit while just letting it all be that which it was... beautiful and thoroughly life giving.

Jennifer and Sarah hugged looking each other in the eyes and smiling saying their good byes, having set up Skype upon her aunt's computer they chatted briefly about scheduling a time to have all the kids get on and chat it up with their auntie and nana.

Patricia and Jennifer headed back to the airport. It had been a thoroughly different visit then Jennifer had ever anticipated. She still felt surrounded by the awe of all that had been talked about and how much had transpired.

Conversations she had honestly thought would never be had, were now part of a precious memory, of her sitting in a car and at a table with two of the women who had so fashioned and formed her life.

Sitting alone in the terminal, remembering the last few minutes with her mom as they sat at the airport's Starbucks catching a drink of coffee before good-byes were spoken, Jennifer felt a depth of life within the core of her being.

She felt settled in some areas and completely stirred up in others.

Wondering about Sebastian.

Wondering about the future.

Wondering about the past.

Sitting alone at the terminal, boarding the plane, sitting surrounded by strangers tens of thousands of feet up off the Earth Jennifer's mind continued to flash and jump and skip through the past landing within scene upon scene thinking of the soil that her feet had walked upon.

Thinking of where she had come from and where it was that she was going.

Thinking of life and living... Thinking and smiling about the work of The Confessor. Thinking upon his majestic nature and character. Thinking of all he had brought her through. Thinking upon his love.

Death where is thy victory... oh, grave where is thy sting....

Liberty... life... light...

That was what Jennifer's make up was...

She thought about the mirrors and windows that she had looked out of or into for so long and for so much of her life... now she looked out of the window of this airplane and she was soaring... she was soaring above the world.

The power resident within the name of The Confessor was immense, beyond capable of pursuit even into the darkest places of Sheol. When Jennifer had made her bed there it wasn't too far out of his reach. When She had stepped back into the land of death-shade that wasn't too far out of his grasp. His capacity to break off every chain was larger than Jennifer could even begin to comprehend. His love going deeper, wider, higher, longer than anything she had ever known or tasted. His all consuming sacrifice had laid the framework for life. The Confessor always had an answer for death, darkness, and destruction... always, death does not ever get to have the victory, the grave's sting has lost its power.

No longer upon the grasses of gray did Jennifer linger.

Jennifer would land back at the airport in Charlotte.

Jennifer would walk to her car.

She would get in and turn the engine on, the CD player that had not been turned off would start and the song of peace... the song that spoke of simplicity... the simplicities of nature that had always held onto Jennifer's heart would fill the atmosphere.

Jennifer would sit there and smile.

She would roll down her windows and blast the lyrics forth for all to hear.

She knew she was headed towards the mountains and while the song sung of Carolina soil... Jennifer knew that upon the mountains of Virginia she was being called home.

I was walkin' in the Carolina soil
Diggin' my toes into the earth
Watchin' the river snaking by
and there my soul was satisfied
The dragon flies were buzzing through the air
echoing the Maker's grand design
I sat at the base of that old hollow tree
and listened to Creation's melody
And the glory of the Lord filled the temple
The brightness of His glory lingered there
The sound of angels' wings rumbled through the earth
The voice of God Almighty thundered there
The angel took the coal from the altar
He placed that burnin' cinder 'pon my mouth
He said, "Your guilt is done and your sins forgiven"
I will rejoice in this redemption song
When the rain came pouring down
My soul soaked up the sound
Up from the ground sprung everlasting water
And there my soul was satisfied