I saw His most magnificent smile as a picture of a man wearing a tuxedo sitting and playing at a piano filled my sleepy eyes. I sing my song over you! Come sit next to me... The rain increased and so did the reign.
He turned and looked at me as I came to sit alongside Him, Father of the ages... daughter of earth, and His gaze was brilliant and His warmth intoxicating. His looked penetrated so very deep and the words that flowed forth from His heart sent my mind into overload.
It was a moment that rooted my feet so firmly upon the earth and into life and yet sent me soaring straight into His reality. But isn't that the way of things? That we would know Him so we would make Him known?
He fills out my confidence. He restores my soul to the manner in which it should always be.
As the notes and melodies of the moment filled my heart, as the heavenly melodies mingled with the sounds of falling rain, my mind drifted to this past weekend... and tears began to fall upon my cheeks as I partook in the remembrances of the goodness of God to my soul.
......................................................
There is a stretch of road between the Carolinas and Virginia that I could probably navigate with my eyes closed. There is one part of the drive that breaks out in the most incredible views of a valley, and I have watched the effects of seasons changing and weather patterns upon said landscapes over the course of the last few years.
There was much upon my heart as I drove home this morning, heading back towards the Carolinas after a fabulous weekend in Virginia. So many thoughts to process within the course of a couple days I felt like I had run a marathon with the Lord through many different terrains and He had come out the victor. The truest statement actually is that I was the victor.. He had made me so!
The speaker from the weekend had talked about fighter pilots. Had talked about simulators. Had talked about how the mechanics of such things is that every trainee can handle when one problem is thrown upon them, and then he shared how the number goes down as two problems are simultaneously thrown at them during the simulated experience. He went on to express the reality of when four or five problems are thrown at the trainee and it was not good.
I sat there and listened to his words, the night before had already had me facing past demons of judgement and experiences in ministry. Those words landed upon me and I tilted my head trying to command my heart to hold fast to the reality of the love of God and the truth that nothing can pluck me out of His hand.
In all honesty as the morning went forward relief flooded my soul as two precious friends, one after the other, came and sat next to me. In their presence the sense of utter safety of the reality of love filled my being, and I could feel every muscle relax. What was before me was a man, who was just in his existence was touching issues deep into my heart in regards to large ministries, and that coupled with what this season has been had been proving too much. I didn't realize how tense my muscles were, how constricted my breathing had become.
Ever so grateful for the way this community in general is very comfortable with the expression of friendship and affection openly. Physical touch and the comfort of the reality of a friend sitting next to one is a healthy expression here, and when that is one of your love languages, the match is amazing.
I sat there and soaked in the reality of these precious friends.
Then the call forward. A released exhale of breathe flowed through my lips. I so did not want to go forward. I so knew I needed to. Pushing myself out of my seat, I went and stood. Before I knew it my hand was over my mouth trying so hard to hold back the sobs but I was the fighter pilot facing at least a half a dozen none simulated problems and I was crashing.
The beauty, of the reality of our God versus that of the world, was that the landing wasn't hard as the arms and hands and prayers of friends held me up. I could feel the anguish walking through Gideon being sick, (problem one), I could feel the judgement of the past riddling my soul, (problem two), I could feel the fear of all of the future what ifs, (Problems unnumbered), I could feel the sorrow of disappointment and perceived loss, (NOW we have lost count), I could feel the devastation at the arrival of a due date that was not coming and the list went on and on.
One friend came to stand in front of me and I just leaned... that posture I have learned well. Then alongside came the lead elder's wife and knowing how thoroughly she knows and understands I no longer cared what anything looked like and within the confines of a building that historically has seen the majority of my healing, I allowed His comfort to flow.
She began to hum, and speak how she heard His song over my life and asked could I hear it. In those moments I couldn't. I began to express how full of judgement I felt and how fear was having a heyday. She had felt those words within her own spirit in regards to that which was upon my soul, and she prayed. She also with a most beautiful smile assured me I knew what to do... and the verse, "In repentance and rest...." flowed into my being. And the actions and prayers of repentance came forward forth from my lips....
Stepping through the rest of the day was somewhat like a dream. Actually more like an awakening. Toxins had been flushed from my system, the release of tears had served me so very well and my eyes felt even more thoroughly open.
..................................................
As I awoke I had heard the melody of which I couldn't hear earlier in the weekend. It filled out my very being. He filled out my very being. The reality of knowing and being known by God courses through all that I am. The places in my life and in my heart that would prove to be the most dissonant of sounds ends up producing the most majestic melodies.
I have walked alongside those who want to point out the dissonant sounds in other people's lives.... I walk alongside many who mainly hear the dissonant sounds of their own lives, and all I can say is that the music I am hearing, in the beauty of the wails of anguish being released, is the clanking of dry bones finding each other and arising from the pile, arising from the heap, and being formed into the reality that even these dry bones do indeed get to walk again.
The sounds and songs of the redeemed are formed and forged through the battles and the scars... our own, and His!
The speaker from the weekend had talked about fighter pilots. Had talked about simulators. Had talked about how the mechanics of such things is that every trainee can handle when one problem is thrown upon them, and then he shared how the number goes down as two problems are simultaneously thrown at them during the simulated experience. He went on to express the reality of when four or five problems are thrown at the trainee and it was not good.
I sat there and listened to his words, the night before had already had me facing past demons of judgement and experiences in ministry. Those words landed upon me and I tilted my head trying to command my heart to hold fast to the reality of the love of God and the truth that nothing can pluck me out of His hand.
In all honesty as the morning went forward relief flooded my soul as two precious friends, one after the other, came and sat next to me. In their presence the sense of utter safety of the reality of love filled my being, and I could feel every muscle relax. What was before me was a man, who was just in his existence was touching issues deep into my heart in regards to large ministries, and that coupled with what this season has been had been proving too much. I didn't realize how tense my muscles were, how constricted my breathing had become.
Ever so grateful for the way this community in general is very comfortable with the expression of friendship and affection openly. Physical touch and the comfort of the reality of a friend sitting next to one is a healthy expression here, and when that is one of your love languages, the match is amazing.
I sat there and soaked in the reality of these precious friends.
Then the call forward. A released exhale of breathe flowed through my lips. I so did not want to go forward. I so knew I needed to. Pushing myself out of my seat, I went and stood. Before I knew it my hand was over my mouth trying so hard to hold back the sobs but I was the fighter pilot facing at least a half a dozen none simulated problems and I was crashing.
The beauty, of the reality of our God versus that of the world, was that the landing wasn't hard as the arms and hands and prayers of friends held me up. I could feel the anguish walking through Gideon being sick, (problem one), I could feel the judgement of the past riddling my soul, (problem two), I could feel the fear of all of the future what ifs, (Problems unnumbered), I could feel the sorrow of disappointment and perceived loss, (NOW we have lost count), I could feel the devastation at the arrival of a due date that was not coming and the list went on and on.
One friend came to stand in front of me and I just leaned... that posture I have learned well. Then alongside came the lead elder's wife and knowing how thoroughly she knows and understands I no longer cared what anything looked like and within the confines of a building that historically has seen the majority of my healing, I allowed His comfort to flow.
She began to hum, and speak how she heard His song over my life and asked could I hear it. In those moments I couldn't. I began to express how full of judgement I felt and how fear was having a heyday. She had felt those words within her own spirit in regards to that which was upon my soul, and she prayed. She also with a most beautiful smile assured me I knew what to do... and the verse, "In repentance and rest...." flowed into my being. And the actions and prayers of repentance came forward forth from my lips....
Stepping through the rest of the day was somewhat like a dream. Actually more like an awakening. Toxins had been flushed from my system, the release of tears had served me so very well and my eyes felt even more thoroughly open.
..................................................
As I awoke I had heard the melody of which I couldn't hear earlier in the weekend. It filled out my very being. He filled out my very being. The reality of knowing and being known by God courses through all that I am. The places in my life and in my heart that would prove to be the most dissonant of sounds ends up producing the most majestic melodies.
I have walked alongside those who want to point out the dissonant sounds in other people's lives.... I walk alongside many who mainly hear the dissonant sounds of their own lives, and all I can say is that the music I am hearing, in the beauty of the wails of anguish being released, is the clanking of dry bones finding each other and arising from the pile, arising from the heap, and being formed into the reality that even these dry bones do indeed get to walk again.
The sounds and songs of the redeemed are formed and forged through the battles and the scars... our own, and His!
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