It was 11:55pm and yet I was able to go back to sleep... dread that I had fallen asleep too early and now I was going to be up ... then it was 2am... and the same would not be true.... I wasn't able to head back to sleep instead I lay awake and as I did the night got darker and the minutes went by seemingly slower....
All these feelings... all these emotions... all this weight... all these concerns... pounding upon my person... trying to shrug them off... trying to lay there and head back to sleep... knowing sometimes just getting more rest is the most valuable weapon...
but then.... got to love those but then moments.... truth being spoken... days of events being shown up for what they were... weights falling off and a heart able to breath....
backing up a tad to bridge the gap.... I have spent more years then naught.. sadly... condemning myself for being emotional... for being sensitive... reasons exist for all that but that isn't where I think I am going....
In condemning myself for having emotions and feeling things and being sensitive I shut myself down to a place where I existed... barely... more zombie like than anything... vacant gaze peering forth out of my head and just walking around ... barely breathing... barely surviving... longing for escape and living there instead of living.... closing down time after time.. shutting off... either too many emotions full of pain and sorrow or too much self imposed condemnation for truly feeling the reality of the situations I found myself in but feeling helpless to change any of it.... I became brilliant at shutting down... a master of closing off my heart and putting feelings behind walls and into locked away places...
But as anyone who has walked life through different seasons.. walls leak and locked away places beacon for keys...
As tonight's sleep began to unravel the truest rest was about to enter my soul... it is ok .. it is alright .. it is imperative for me to allow myself to feel... it is the very way I was knitted together.. it was the very way I was formed and fashioned...
And then it dawned on me.. it truly was the way I was formed and fashioned and then all the times I was condemned for "being too sensitive" rushed in and how shut off I had lived my life or how continually I perceived myself as bad or weak for being sensitive and having emotions filled my being....
I have had to pause in writing as I have sat here waterfalls of forceful cleansing waters have fallen upon me and carried in their waves were keys unlocking doors and closets and cells that had been where I had placed my truest heart and denied it life....
As truth flowed into my being my head felt lighter and tons of weight began to dissipate ... the conclusion of emotions were bad had come very close to destroying my life and in being liberated through the washing of the word and light of Christ I had found new freedom to soar...
Self hatred and comparison fell off of me and again I breathed freely on a whole other level ... eyes opened and not empty stare out of eye sockets... realization after realization flooded my heart and my mind... places I had laid accusation or accusations had been laid lost their grip and I could hear darkness shrieking as the light of heaven fell upon that darkness burning it away.. and bursting forth as lit up rivers of water glistening and sparkling and full of life...
Ah... and then I was breathing another air and as I landed joy filled every crevice of my being and I knew where I was and I just sat down... a friend had prayed for me for days to be able to sit in this grassy place again and yet entrance to her seemed barred.... but no longer was that so.... sitting there expectations arose that He would be walking through the grasses to my right very soon but I was wrong two dearest ones had walked the journey instead but they had come to get me and He was waiting and while I saw them come I could see where He was and I raised up to meet them and we walked together with immense joy flowing forth from our beings enjoying the music of the silence and the sound of joy... that all might sound strange but in this place silence is alive and vibrant and sound comes in many different waves... life permeates everything and everything is alive...
As we journeyed alongside each other towards Him they took my hands and and even more joy flowed between us ... an understanding that though there be moments now there would be time in the future where moments would not be moments but would be all the more and a new song full of eternal melodies swirled and danced and played around us...
Then even though seemingly miles and a journey still away I could see Him and He was standing beside a table and it was in the presence of my enemies and even while still so seemingly far away He began to speak to me and I could hear His voice as it lit up the sky... and He spoke of life and joy seemed to be the greatest theme within His being and the capacity to be able to contain it was ebbing from us all... and the temptation to enter into great laughter arose and yet there was more... there was more...
He waited for us to close the distance and when entering into His presence and being brought into His side His sweet and gentle and yet firm and declarative words flowed over me as did life and sweet sweet living waters washed away effects of years gone so very wrong and I was safe... I was safe... within His arms and within His embrace I was safe... seeing full well those that had meant harm but standing beside Him I was safe to be all that He created me to be... sensitive... radiating His warmth and His life and His peace... full of emotion not hindered or imprisoned by it but full of the life and liberty of it.... Me.. I was free to be me...
I could feel the time ebbing away but I wanted and desired just to look upon Him face to face... mouthing the words thank you and smiling and seeing His gaze I was once again more aware of my chair and my keyboard... but full and different ... full and different and aware of truly what a glorious nature our Father's Son possesses ... beautiful... amazing..
.... and as I was settling back into where I was His voice lifted the air and upon it He spoke about how ravished His heart is... we have ravished the heart of God... with one look of our eyes towards Him.. His heart is undone.. what an incredible emotional God we serve... full of life and liberty... Amen.. and amen....
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