His hand had penetrated my skin.... my spine was in his hand... I could feel his hand closing in on my spine and the bones crushing under the weight of his hatred and force... I couldn't look at it... I could feel its hatred.. I could feel its grip.. I could feel the exacting cold of its being having come from where it had been... every time an aspect of it touched my flesh I gasped away from it ... within its torturous grip I could feel a paralyzing aspect of its presence and its tentacles whipped around and lashed out at my heart and my mind....
I lay there in my bed and my left foot went numb...
panic and dread began to fill my heart along with trails of thought of where I had failed.. where I had lacked.. where I had missed the proverbial mark...
Jim was out of town ... in the middle of the night I laid there ... in bed..
confusion.. sorrow... fear.. swirling around the air and the screams of our enemy were in my ear.... lies about what I would never be.. never have... of who I was...
trying desperately to pull out of it and yet the grip on my spine had reached my heart and I could barely breath...
I couldn't move and fear was so tangible that I might as well of been like a cripple... both in body and mind.... and then I could feel this dense coldness fill my heart and my mind and the room swirled and it felt like the enemy of my soul was going to win this round...
Lacking the capacity to push back and not really understanding how dense the atmosphere was with lies.. some which had even been overcome but tonight.. in those moments .... their chains felt more real than I knew what to do with.. and I was being pulled down ... as if having been thrown off a row boat in the middle of a lake I was sinking.....
I know it sounds like a crazy vision.. but for me it was as if I was living every moment.... and the pressure to act in accordance to that which surrounded me was great.... make a decision based upon lies... make a decision based on the torment.. give into the temptation to believe that which was being spoken....
I honestly don't remember the moment.... gasping for air... struggling to physically move... lying their paralyzed by fear and alone... I didn't even open my mouth to utter His name... I didn't even turn my gaze upon Him... I couldn't make heads or tails of where my head was.... or even where I was to tell you the truth...
But then...
And here is where I could weep and weep and weep...
But then...
I couldn't even call out His name.. couldn't look... couldn't reach out beyond the fog to gain my footing back...
But then...
But then.... My feet were upon a glistening beautiful sparkling white cool refreshing marble floor.... and all around me was His house.... and I just stood there and stood there and stood there.... and crumbled to the floor..... and sobs racked my body and I shook ...
But then... He was taking me into His arms... and there were angels all around and they were singing the most beautiful of songs and the lyrics and the notes filled the air and filled my being and poured into my soul..... and they were like the ancient balm of Gilead but being applied through songs into the depths of all that I am.... and the whole grouping of us started up the stairs..
I knew where He was bringing me ... I knew where we were going and I began to weep all the more and just turned into His chest and wept and wept ....
and as we entered the chamber I gasped for He ran to me... He ran to me.. He got up and He ran to me ... as if I was being brought off a battlefield and placed right into His arms..
He ran to me and as He got to me .. He paused and I turned my head towards Him and His gaze... the room filled with the magnificence of His love.. Without word or demand the room filled with aspects of which I am unable to string words together as to explain....
He had desired it and so it was... the room was filled with a rose like hue and it became like a dense fog and breathing that in was like breathing in a million gentle breezes filled with the lushness of the most perfect meadow in spring time....
They knelt there together on the floor ... Father and Son... Father and Brother....
gently they laid me upon some most incredible piece of fabric.... and the songs of the angels filled the chamber and yet they seemed so distant ....
I looked up and I watched them ... their love... their strength... their power ..
and yet power seems like the wrong word because while it was there it was not about that... it was as if the most brilliant light bulb in the world was purposing itself to be not so bright...
the power wasn't overwhelming...
it was just complete authority... complete authority to take all and everything into His hands not for crushing but for life and in those moments under His hands I was made so completely new that the air that filled my being was as if the first breaths I had actually ever taken.....
His hand now upon my back.. my gaze upon my Lord as His gaze was upon His Father... and above us stretched out as a canopy was the most sheer piece of fabric.. and it was as though it was like the banner of love... dripping from it was a substance like honey dew... and it was cool and refreshing to my flesh... and I began to breath more consistently once again on my own.... and yet His hand was upon my Heart and upon my back I could feel its warmth....
Each movement adding back strength.. adding strength that was never there... adding to me Him... His love and His truth and His strength... upon the Marble floor I had landed and yet into the chambers of His affection I was being made whole....
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