a blind man's walk...............

There are seasons where it feels like I am more at the computer's keys then naught... and yet there are times where more recently I don't see the words.. or hear the phrases and so away from here I stay....

You don't need to know that which I would say on my own.... my thoughts swirl on oh too many topics and my head is full of too much that needs interpreting....

So within the days that lack the floating words or phrases or impression to sit down and place fingers upon keys and allow the letters and words to form under them as I see Him move them... I usually stay away from this place..... to me it would be presumptuous for me to think that there are things of worth that I could just conjure up on my own that need to be said by me.....

I am not a theologian nor am I scholar... I have had times and experiences and a life and I have a willingness to live aspects of those before people when I think He is showing me where and when it would be beneficial to do so....

but more and more these days I am very aware of who I am without that..... I'm not saying that there is a huge discrepancy in character... or in moral choices barring His active presence upon my flesh... but what there is is an awareness of the frailty... the awareness of the lack... the awareness of that which I am solely because of His graces that He pours out....

Not in condemnation nor in self - deprecation but in an understanding that I am different when not dwelling within His presence.... I realize that the Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence really has become to me the air I breathe.... that which I must live.....

For me the clarity that comes as His daughter... as one who belongs with and to Him comes in those moments and in times where I take that seriously and I find myself in a place where my perspective is solidly positioned in that direction.... and then ... well, then all the thoughts that spin in my head and all the things that rest on my heart melt away.... they melt away in the light of Him and His truth and His grace...

One would think I would be wiser.... One would think that if I know these things to be true I would not ever budge from that place....

But the tossles of this life akin to those winds and waves upon the sea get to me and if I don't purpose to rest... I find my feet falter and my head spin with all the possibilities and all the what ifs..... and then finding that equilibrium amongst so much noise gets difficult.....

So today so far away from thinking I was going to write... I hear His voice.. His whisper.... I don't like writing from this place... I like writing from the place that comes after here... the place where His presence comes and things whether they are resolved in the natural or not are resolved because in Him there is always resolution and peace.....

But there is a process I believe within writing today ... a process that is only expressed in weakness... an expression that only comes from a soul that is weary and tired... that is that which He wants articulated.....

Under the presence of God the assurances bring boldness ... without that I walk there only in faith... and in that place of my faith being sured up in areas I get to find where there are the weaknesses... where are the places that the lies of the enemy... the flesh.. the soul can land and not be pushed away easily....

So I seek to remain within His presence.. Hidden under His shadow... resting under that which He offers... seeing the wind and the waves as His agents to build my faith... not agents of destruction but of sanctification ....

When that isn't there I am left... looking for Him and waiting upon Him .. realizing that these are the days of trusting Him even amidst so much that doesn't make sense ... these are the days walking with Him and knowing that though His presence isn't tangibly felt it is not any further away then when His graces allow me to be so abundantly aware of it....... and so abundantly wrapped within it...

I am always wrapped by Him... surrounded by Him.... hidden by Him and always is He aware of me and knowing me... and loving me.... these are the days where I choose to believe all that He is... these are the days where all that I am and all that I'll ever be and all that I ever was gets to walk ... gets to walk blindly... full of trust though I know not the way..... blindly I follow.... oh how good it would be to know where... and what.... and how and when.... but regardless... regardless of all of that .. He is that He is.. and I am His.... and He is my God ... My Lord.. and these are the days that I display that I know that .. that intrinsically and with all that I am... I know that...