Two blog entries with this whole "no" thing... but I'm not backsliding... if anything my heart is being pursued and my life is being thrust into the deeper waters of my Father's affections...
Let me explain a few things first... this blog began truly as more of an open diary than anything.... a feeling that the Lord wanted me to move into vulnerability and transparency in a way that would be freeing for me and as well as any others who decided to come along for the ride....
It has been interesting for me to see what I used to call transparency and where the Lord has taken me and what He has shown me... I'm a very open person so I'm comfortable with realizing that that which I walk through and have been through could be helpful if shared... or so I thought... this month however I hit several walls in this journey... one of which was the understanding that I was still navigating my way around the intimate secrets of my heart and bypassing things that I believed the Father would ask of me to share.... the second was a whole realization of how much I still guard and protect and decide to share and navigate around... ok so they sound like the same thing and maybe they are... let's just move onward
So in the last week I have had two experiences where in each of them the word "no" erupted out of me with anger.... One was towards a friend and the other was towards the Lord...
Today while I was walking through the aftermath of my experience with the Lord I felt Him say that He was giving me my "no" .... and I would like to say back but I don't ever think I had it ...
A child of control and abuse there isn't a time that I can think back to in life where I had a no and used it in a healthy non manipulative way.... But this morning as I lingered in the aftermath of the encounter with the Lord His tenderness was evident and the hand of my Father was upon my person...
I felt like He was saying I had a "no"... I felt like he was saying that I could use it and won't miss out... that I could use it as I looked at a situation.. and I could say no I don't want to go there... no I don't want to see that... no I don't want to do this....
There is an interior liberation in this whole thing.. and with it has come this other level of transparency... within interactions with others and in conversation I have found a footing that I have never had before and a confidence that was never resident within my heart....
We aren't of those who shrink back.. we are of those that can boldly approach the throne of grace where our Lord sits.... but how often had I shrunk back and how often did I not walk boldly towards Him.... or others for that matter...
Very early on I became a pro at reading the atmosphere (the enemy's counterfeit to the Lord's authentic) and very early on I became timid and would only enter into dialogue or relationship if I felt the waters that had been tested where safe.. and often ... very often I just withdrew... withdrew from others.. from life.. from myself... or walked in such anxiety that I felt like I was looking out of someone else's eyes and watching life instead of participating....
There are all these things being stirred up inside my heart and I don't truly know how they will all pan out but I am enjoying my days and times more... I feel empowered by my Lord in a way I don't think I have ever felt ...
I'm beginning to think that for now for me a "no" isn't actually a negative thing... it is a matter of life....
I look up and see Him staring at me and smiling.. and I know that I know that He knows I won't misuse it... but today I relish in the gift of my "no" .. it truly is a gift that I am delighting to have and to begin to walk in... a trusting of my feelings and thoughts... and yet an understanding that I will know when to use it and when to submit and when to fully place my heart and life into a yes... I'm thinking my yes is more of a yes now and I am yet to grasp the fullness of all that but it feels really right inside my being and the love and grace of God are ever evident...
To the glory of our God and to the wonderful aspects of all that He gives.... He is beautiful and wonderful and I am grateful ... grateful for such an incredible God... grateful for how incredibly He leads us....
No comments:
Post a Comment