The many things I am

I once was more full of boasting.  I would declare that it would be me out of the boat walking upon water, it would be me knowing and making the declaration that He was the Christ, I would be liken unto Simeon and Anna who would behold the baby at the temple, I would have known to follow the stars to the manger, I would have stayed at the foot of the cross....


If you have read my blog for any length of time, you know that I love the movie, The Four Feathers.  The more recent version.  And by recent I mean 2002.  It was a powerful movie for a community that I was a part of back then.  The summary that is given upon a movie website says this:

A British officer resigns his post just before battle and subsequently receives four white feathers from his friends and fiancee as symbols of what they believe to be his cowardice.

He had been training.  His father was an important man in the British military.  He had friends.  He was strong.  Yet at the moment when he was called up.. his fear got the best of him.  It changed his life forever.  He, alone, then goes after them.. and the story emerges from there.  

At one point he entered a prison to "rescue"  his friends but only ends up working now in the camp as well.  When another character, Abu Fatma, comes across him first in the desert alone and then visits him in the camp, we see some truly moving clips.  My favorite comes towards the end of the movie...

I don't walk so proudly now....  That line fills and saturates my being.

Maybe it was the way I was saved.  Maybe it was the life I lived before knowing God.. But in areas there was confidence in what He had placed within my life.  Confidence I would know Him, confidence in how to walk with Him, confidence in the gifting and things He had placed within...

The only thing I truly remain confident of is that He who began a good work within me will carry it to completion.  I am confident in Him.  He began something, He works on it day after day, and He will complete it... I am the workmanship of God... period, there is nothing more or less than that.

I am His daughter.  

My attentions are no longer upon my capacity to do or not do.  My attention, my focus, my capacity is and must be solely found in Him.  There is no longer a place of boasting.. except in Him.  

I am His child.

In those four words are encompassed more volumes then could ever be written.  Childlike faith is where I aim for these days.  He is saying it, or it has been said...  then that is what I breathe.  

I don't walk so proudly now...

I am trained.  Years and decades and life have had me in the placement of walking out that which He placed within.  But beyond anything I realize this... I realize more and more that I no longer truly live but Christ lives in me ...  I am His. Period.  I am His...  He is the potter and I am the clay.  But clay elevated to daughter....

I am His masterpiece.  He is at work.  

I am one whose work it is to trust.. trust and love....

May I be one whose eyes see as He sees, May I be one whose ears hear what He hears, May I be one whose heart feels what He feels, May I be one whose feet go where He goes, May I be one whose hands touch what He touches...

Out of all the many things I am... May I be one who walks not proudly upon the earth but walks as He walks... always and forever...  May I be one

IMAGE

I have sat in green rooms and I have stood in hospitality suites, I have heard you speak on how you and your friends talk about this game of who has who in their phone contacts.  In my answer I spoke of how that that is a game that I wouldn't win.  Once my answer was heard you began to open your heart. You began to share how lonely life had been, how lonely you were and how lonely you and your wife were... and then we really began to just share hearts.


I received a letter the other day.  I held the note in my hands and cried.  That which was expressed was the person felt like for the first time they could really be a Christian.  That this person had seen superstars in the faith and concluded that she would never be such a person, and in that conclusion believed she could never follow Christ in a way that would bring Him glory.  In haphazardly coming across my path she had read something I wrote and listened to a morning devotional and had begun to have some of her false conclusions confronted.


I'm going to let you in on a little secret.... THERE ARE NO SUPERSTARS IN THE FAITH!


If there are it is a little old grandma or grandpa sitting in a prayer room somewhere that the world doesn't even know their name... and they certainly would never consider themselves anything but that which they are...


Media helps to paint an image.  Photoshop helps even more.  And then you are presented with this very clean cut perfect apostle, prophet, teacher, evangelist, pastor who is the perfect guide into whatever their expertise would happen to be....


I love those that I have been surrounded by... in the last years I have sat under amazing men and women of the faith who are who they are and are brilliant.  They share from the heart and use the tools of modern day but not to cover up that which they are...


The word, image, kept coming into my heart and mind this morning... I thought of how we are made in the image of God, I thought of how people have images in their mind of who such and such a person is, I thought about image management and I thought about Christ.


Not that I am walking in one iota of it yet, .. But the verse that pulsates within me and penetrates my entire person is where the people express that Jesus isn't like their scribes, that He walks in real authority.  I am hungry to walk in a place where the authority of heaven kisses earth and the reality of it affects the places we dwell.

The path to this place I have felt has stirred up a hunger, a passion for discipline and a desire to know truth in the inner most places.  A turning towards the kingdom and the reality of it that infuses all things with Him regardless of circumstances or situation.

In this there is NO image that can be maintained or propped up, in this place it is the place to sit and solidly reside as one who bears the image of the Creator... Our Father.. Our God, it is the place to rest in Jesus and reverberate His words when He spoke, as it is written in John 5

Truly, truly, I say to you, the Son can do nothing of Himself, unless it is something He sees the Father doing; for whatever the Father does, these things the Son also does in like manner.  For the Father loves the Son, and shows Him all things that He Himself is doing;


I can't say I know what it thoroughly looks like.. but I do know this.. I hunger to have my words and deeds in that alignment. The only image I desire to bare is that one of my Father... any other image falls so dramatically short...  I hunger to worship Him as He is not as my thoughts, opinions, philosophy, theology, etc, would have Him be....  

Again  and always seeking the place where the reality of the Kingdom of God dominates my thoughts and my opinions, my actions and the words I would speak.... That I would be mindful of Him and His ways and who He was and who  He is and who He will always be... That is the image .. that is the reality that I want .. To be like Him in all things...

To be like Him when the ruler of this world comes,

To be like Him when the thousands are hungry,

To be like Him when the sick are in need,

To be like Him when the lonely need comfort

To be like Him.. simply.. profoundly .. always.. like Him

Letting the weak say that I am strong.. letting the poor say I am rich...

I am blessed .. I am so fully and truly blessed... Not tongue in cheek or name it and claiming it here...  but settling my soul and lingering in the sweet aroma of heaven.  Having been teaching and studying through the psalms, the verses and truths and cries and praises of David fill out my soul.  The days of treacherous troubles and sin to the moments of absolute courage and utter abandonment in praise... the gamut of emotions is run.

David is a very good companion for me in these days...


In a season that has only seen what has seemed like loss and struggle and disorientation, during a time when any strength I thought I possessed has been laid to bare along with my insecurities and my fears... When any profession of expertise would  falter...


I have touched something that as of yet I can not bring completely into expression...  I continue to watch out of my eyes and anticipate all that surrounds me... I continue to try and take in the topsy turvy nature of things and attempt to not so timidly place one foot in front of the other...  I delight in the giggles that erupt and the inquisitive nature of 6 year old discovery...  I try to not ache as much as the house quiets down and one is not with us .. under our roof...


New places...


New times


New seasons...

I search out the consistencies... football may have a different coach, a different field, a different name but football has been a staple in the Driscoll family and so in it I find a smile come to my face as I drop my son off at the field house.


I sit in a panera that I have sat at more times than I can count but today it feels different.  I am not getting back into my car and driving 3 hours home... home is just around the block.  I sit in a booth I am certain that I have sat in before and I close my eyes and remember the times having spent here and I smile...


I enter into a church that has felt like home for over the past decade plus some and I pause, stop.. remember...


Alongside  the familiar the effects of living feel more liken unto a snow globe having been shaken up one too many times.  Within touching the familiar the unfamiliar nature of it all at times steals my breath away.


Today a precious token arrived in the mail.. a remembrance of hearts and friendship.. again of familiar times gone by...  the sitting in living rooms, other paneras, starbucks, church hallways...


I'm a creature needing home... needing comfort.. needing familiar...  Being raised in closed off closets and locked cages my soul becomes truly unsettled in seasons such as these...  And this has been one very long season.


Yet as in Lamentations... I command my soul... Lamentations 3:21-23

This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have hope.
The Lord’s lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.


As I lead the devotion through Psalm 8 today,  the verses that filled out my being were many but the concept that saturated my soul was found in verse 6.

You make him to rule over the works of Your hands;
You have put all things under his feet,


I am made to rule over the works of His hands ... for my life.. practically that looks like my own soul, the lives of my family.. and the aspects of ministry that He has placed before my path...


As I went about my day today I had sermons playing in the background... This is where I am richly blessed... The Lord has been so very gracious to me to put men and women in my life whose teaching I could listen to and listen to and listen to and never grow weary of hearing their voices or hearing them teach or preach.


Listening to my friend, Rick Sizemore, teach on Valleys.. focusing on the Valley of Dry Bones and the need to speak to such things... Listening to another friend, Jonathan Martin, preach it on the concept of Witness and share personally from his own life and experiences.... allowing truth to saturate the air of my home.  


I honestly don't know how much more of this life of mine can continue in the pathways of disorientation as they have.. I honestly don't know about my own fortitude much anymore these days... I honestly think my capacity for perseverance is laying a bit thin...  I honestly think that if I read another fortune cookie prophecy or status update I think I'll scream... because it just isn't like that...  it really isn't like that...  


So the familiar in Christ is even up in the air.. because I am losing my Americanized religion and perspective... and I'm laying a hold of something so much richer...  In coming to the end of myself and my abilities I have trembled before a God who I have had to re get to know...  or maybe in some ways really know for maybe even the first time... in some places definitely it is a whole new walk...


 Now really read this.. Christ hasn't changed.. I have... and the places where He seems bigger and more real.. and in the more.. the challenge to lay down more and more of my heart and become more and more of His... and then I touch the familiar.. The beckoning and the calling forth.. The passion for my trust to be laid at His feet.. The hunger and desire He has for me to be completely His...  


That holding out of His hand across the chasm and beckoning me to take it...  but everything seems so much more this time and yet He then calls back to mind the other fissures He has led me across.. the other gaping holes in the ground that He has lifted me across...  


My faint heart and my hungry eyes look upon Him and in that gaze that stares back at me I finally see the familiar... In my hesitation, He does not hesitate... In my caution, He rears His compassion and His strength... In my fear, He pours out perfect love.. ushering not pulling... alluring not demanding... Calmly and gently whispering remembrances of His faithfulness and sweetly being the lifter of my head and bringing my gaze towards His... He holds my gaze even when I can't and He locks hearts with me even when I can't... and I realize... that in the familiar environment of Christ I need be nothing else but His and I collapse into His arms....


And in that moment the assurances and reassurances of Heaven wash over my weary flesh and pronounce over me His affections and strengthen a soul in need....


Without grandiose faith, without monumental courage my declaration becomes I am weak and I am poor but .. BUT YOU!

My times are in Your hands....

This journey that I have embarked upon in walking through the psalms has landed in some of the most unexpected ways.  One way truly is that as one reads purposefully through them the emotion that David expresses is intense and amazing.  As I walk forward to read and study and then go back to review the psalm that will be taught the following day, I step into a reality of a very real and exposed relationship between David and God.


In moving forward to continue, to refresh the psalms to my heart, I arrived at Psalm 31.  So many themes reiterated from previous journeys through the poetry of this shepherd turned king turned friend of God.  Many verses leap out and jump upon my person but as I landed upon verse 14 and 15 I stopped.


"But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord, I say "You are my God." My times are in Your hand."


The times and seasons of transition, sickness, death, confusion, loss, lack etc ... those times are in His hands.


For me today this isn't some brave and full statement of faith.  The times and seasons have worn down fleshly confidences, arrogant boasting, intellectual know how, experience and wisdom born of the world;  today that declaration flowing forth from that passage is definitely more of a whisper than a shout of confidence.  More of a plea  then even declaration.  Maybe it is a grasping even more than a plea, an understanding that but Him being my God and my times being in His hands and me trying to trust Him.. but those things I will falter completely and I will sit down and ponder if I arise.


I did not anticipate the refuge I would once again find in the Psalms.  They had been upon my heart for months and I felt like a project of sorts was underway.  They have arrived at my door at just the right time and but them and the truths they encompass I would probably not arise. Ever more grateful that the word of God is active and alive and capable.


Continuing through Psalm 31..  I arrive "For He has made marvelous His lovingkindness to me in a besieged city.  As for me, I said in my alarm, I am cut off from before Your eyes; Nevertheless You heard the voice of my supplications when I cried to You."  .... Ending finally in the last verse of this precious song of the heart...  "Be strong and let your heart take courage, All you who hope in the Lord."

I feel all the less alone with an ancient king and his journey before me...

When strength waivers and the reality of in my weakness His strength comes forward, doesn't seem to come forward as much as my soul would desire it to, and in my alarm and fears, of being cut off from the very grace I am so ultimately desperate to touch, rivet and penetrate my soul with their frigid cold skeleton like fingers, a command to my heart tries its best to land... "Be strong and let your heart take courage," because hope is in the Lord.


Hope can be a fragile thing... but truth sits still for me to ever so cautiously reach out for it... it is as if having been bitten by a dog one won't go as quickly to the next one to pat it's head.  And yet the one who sits and sits and sits and waits patiently and does not budge but with the look in its well trained and stead fast eyes implores the passerby to touch its fur, can once again be trusted... strange picture to attribute to hope... stranger place to be walking still... but attempting to lay a hold of the reality of scripture and the truth of our God's heart that Hope will never disappoint.  Hope does not disappoint.. Hope in the redemptive nature and  strength of Christ does not ever disappoint.


That is where David turns to again and again and again...  when confronted with  more than his soul can possibly bare.. He like Peter, states time after time.. Where else will I go.. With you are the words of life...


Trusting and learning to trust ever more that the times of my life are in His hands and there is not a more capable place for them to be....


He leads me ......

My eyes look up to the Heavens from there comes my help.....

He places my feet upon a rock and makes my path straight...

Structure and spirit...... Whose name are you called by?

My days now begin every morning at 5:30am (est).  In the hours while my home is quiet and the sun is just breaking through the atmosphere of the night, I retreat to my downstairs and I spend time with some amazing people that are a part of the online ministry my husband and I run.  Geography and time zones separate us but it is as if we are in each other's family rooms.

StirTheWater.com is an online interactive training website that hungers to equip and empower people to understand the supernatural movings of the Lord.  Whether it be through training people to understand their dreams or a vision that they have had, a supernatural experience or something seen; our passion resides with the sons and daughters of God.


In entering into this component of ministry, this daily devotional, we are embarking on an endeavor to bring the disciplines of prayer, meditation, along with study of the word to those that join us.  Whether the members participate live or listen to the daily recordings, I felt led to offer a consistent daily time when we could gather together and seek the Lord.


My concern in taking on such an endeavor was that the activity would become rout.  How can one embrace the consistency of something without then just doing it out of duty or obligation?  How could I maintain the life giving flow of such a thing without bogging it down in too much structure? How can the same activity have life to it day after day?


For some of you it might be a no brainer but this isn't for me... and the importance of it to my heart is large.  But as I step day by day I understand more and more.. I have set the structure, through prayer and seeking God I laid the frame work and now day by day it gets filled in the same way.  Seeking... Ever seeking Him..


Daily... hourly.. bit by bit and moment by moment, and there are plenty of moments that just get laid out into life and upon the path because I walk... I walk hoping that in my knowledge of Him and in the history we have shared it has birthed the way to walk.  At other times there is specific revelation and I try to follow that as best as I know how and have the courage for...


There are things I can do... There are things only He can do...


Today I found myself within Psalm 65:

And starting at verse 9, my heart and head hungered...

You visit the earth and cause it to overflow;
You greatly enrich it;
The stream of God is full of water;
You prepare their grain, for thus You prepare the earth.
You water its furrows abundantly,
You settle its ridges,
You soften it with showers,
You bless its growth.
You have crowned the year with Your bounty,
And Your paths drip with fatness.
The pastures of the wilderness drip,
And the hills gird themselves with rejoicing.
The meadows are clothed with flocks
And the valleys are covered with grain;
They shout for joy, yes, they sing.


What I can do ...

SIT

WAIT

SHOW UP

HOPE

BELIEVE

HUNGER


What He can do...

Read these words again:

You visit the earth and cause it to overflow;
You greatly enrich it;
The stream of God is full of water;
You prepare their grain, for thus You prepare the earth.
You water its furrows abundantly,
You settle its ridges,
You soften it with showers,
You bless its growth.
You have crowned the year with Your bounty,
And Your paths drip with fatness.
The pastures of the wilderness drip,
And the hills gird themselves with rejoicing.
The meadows are clothed with flocks
And the valleys are covered with grain;
They shout for joy, yes, they sing.


I am more and more convinced that I will show up.. continue to show up .. regardless of many things day after day I will sit and wait and linger ... I have determined within my heart to be as Moses.. Unless the Lord goes before I will not step.. Unless He hedges in from behind I will not go.. If He is my God and I am called by His name then... well, then there must be the place where I wait.. I wait for Him... I set up a framework but He is the entire picture and if He doesn't show up then it is empty vanity ...  


If in John 5 Jesus says He can do nothing apart from the Father.. How dare I try?  So I set up a structure.. a morning devotional.. I set up a place.. my life, and I wait ... I walk and do that which I know to and yet within that walk and within that doing I continually pause to watch and to wait and to lay before Him.  That is how I find structure and spirit to co exist in a life giving fullness.  


I do not want to presume upon Him that He will bless my good ideas but I will present my ideas and allow Him to bring forth life.....

And they felt the weight of His authority......

They heard them too...

After witnessing all the miracles, and listening to all the teaching... it was as if the tables were turned.  This man who had fed the hungry, healed the sick, raised the dead had now spoken the  words that challenged all at the core of their being.


Can you imagine what it felt like to be the disciples on that day?  They, too, had heard Jesus speaking of eating flesh and drinking blood.  What was it that He was saying?  They watched the crowds disperse.  What were their hearts and minds full of in those moments?


Peter would answer Christ's question, of were they too going to leave, with the response that there was no other place to go.  But while acknowledging that reality, the fullness of the moment I can't believe was lost upon Peter.


We get glimpses and snapshots of the people we listen to.. we get 140 some odd characters from their tweeter feed, we get a status update that might read more like a fortune cookie than anything else, we get the picture that they want to paint to the world.


A person I once knew, who had been in international ministry, had a heart cry.  He had stood, even as a child, upon stages with names if dropped you would know them instantly... He had stood, sat, walked into green rooms and hospitality suites, what he had seen was the discrepancy between the man/woman on the stage and the man/woman in the scenes where he/she wasn't being seen.  The discrepancy tore at his heart and his cry... his passion, was to see one whose life would be consistent in front of the people and in the places where no one looks.


That requires many things.. it requires the vulnerability to be oneself amidst a people and it requires of oneself to really pursue the things that one teaches and allow it all to bring transformation.  There should be no show... sitting before the people Jesus spoke as it is and they felt the weight of His authority, they proclaimed their awe in their statements and declarations of the fact that He was not like their scribes.. HE WAS ONE WHO HAD AUTHORITY.


I watched a video on the refugees from Syria and I saw the faces of children and women and men... I thought of the 5000 plus that Jesus fed, and I thought of the multitudes that He brought comfort to and healing for...  I think of Jesus and the people who are in need of clean water and I think of Moses and water coming from a rock... I think upon all these things that beg and plead for the authority of Heaven to be released.. that cry aloud for the supremacy of the supernatural to break forth.


I hunger to see such things... I am so full of desire to see mediocrity wiped forth from my life and straining beyond all things to grasp a hold of faith and courage and pursue with unwavering perseverance and tenacity the things of Christ.


But then the hard sayings come forward.. the finger of the Lord being placed upon the idols that reside within my heart and my need for assurance and safety and acceptance...  And the words that echo into my head, "Are you too going to leave?"  and I think to myself.. BUT Lord, only with you are the words of life .. where else would I ever even go....


In a day and an age where media and hype and snap shots stream their ways across the stages of fellowship after fellowship I feel this calling and this somber alert in the spirit.  I feel this pull towards the disciplines of the faith and to glean life from them in way that honors spirit and truth.  I feel a pull towards foundational issues and the strengthening of such..


 I feel the day of the 10 virgins is upon us and the decision of spending time to fill the lamps with necessary oil is at hand.  It won't be the sound bites or the marvelous techno glamorous shows that will lay foundation to the building upon the rock and not the sands... But by pausing long enough to allow the truth of that which Christ speaks and the weight of His authority to rest upon our lives and bring forth eyes that see as He sees, ears that hear as He hears and hearts that are full of the reality and affections of Heaven so as to have those things pour forth....


I see the discrepancies more and more in my life.. and I, like Paul, have said, oh what a wretched person am I.  I hunger to proclaim laying that all aside and pushing forward now I take the steps... I  do believe the first of those steps is as the declaration of Peter.. where else am I to go?  With Him are the words of life and the hopes that the authority and reality of Heaven will break forth like the dawn!

Looking at Thomas differently.....

Life and John 20 have me seeing Thomas in a totally different way these days...

One interesting component that I had never fully noticed was the difference to those that saw Jesus on the first day and verses 24- 26, where it says,

"But Thomas, one of the Twelve, called the Twin, was not with them when Jesus came.

So the other disciples kept telling him, We have seen the Lord! But he said to them, Unless I see in His hands the marks made by the nails and put my finger into the nail prints, and put my hand into His side, I will never believe [it].

Eight days later His disciples were again in the house, and Thomas was with them. Jesus came, though they were behind closed doors, and stood among them and said, Peace to you!"


I have thought about Thomas a lot these days.. That declaration unless I see...  What had Thomas been through... What was Thomas' journey through the life and ministry and death of Jesus?  What hopes had Thomas had in seeing and living with the Christ?  What hopes had Thomas lost on the day of the crucifixion? The difference from seeing Jesus on the first day versus the 8th, what effect upon Thomas did that wait have?


Oh I, too, have bragged and looked down upon Thomas and thought surely I would have more been liken unto the Centurion, whose faith was praised in all of Israel.  But then life and really reading John 20 with new eyes has me thinking differently.  I think I am exactly more like Thomas.. at least in these days...

It doesn't matter that Mary and the other disciples saw Him, it doesn't matter to Thomas' heart the declaration that Christ is risen and alive.  Maybe He should have snapped out of it and rejoiced and believed or maybe the reality of the events he had just lived through laid too heavy upon his heart.

So, YES, Thomas says that unless I see and unless I touch I won't ever believe... You know what I get that.... I really get that... Experience death, sickness, disappointment, loss... at some point other people's testimonies of truth no longer work...  When you have seen the sick die, the faithful suffer, a child left behind...  when regardless of how much we try not to expect or to have our hope in anything but Christ ... there comes a time where you just want to scream.. Screw your testimony.. BUT I see and BUT I touch I will no longer believe... Maybe it was that Thomas didn't trust himself, maybe it was his heart was too weighed down with grief, there can be countless maybes..... 


One can read further in the text and even see where Jesus says blessed are the people who don't see and don't touch and yet still believe... yes, blessed are they!  They are a special breed! But realizing that Mary and the disciples that saw Jesus on the first day weren't much different than Thomas.. THEY SAW JESUS!  It wasn't by faith that they were proclaiming His resurrection.. They had seen Him.. What Thomas is saying is I missed out and I want.. NO, I NEED to see Jesus, MYSELF!


Please just sit with me in a place of hearing the heart of Thomas.. be honest with yourself... That place of heartsickness that wonders what is God doing or going to do...  That place that just needs to tangibly touch.. that place where worn out faith and hopes deferred just can't muster the Centurion's faith because while understanding authority you haven't seen the sick made well, or the movement of the Lord to bring forth changes in circumstances....  


All of that is beautiful ground.. for great opportunities for maturity and growth ...  great opportunities to turn and command the soul to once again arise and praise the Lord... BUT at some point, like Thomas ... maybe you just need to say.. UNLESS.. I see and BUT I touch I don't know how to take your word for it that He is alive....  and that everything is going to be ok...


There is a place of naked honesty in Thomas that I haven't touched before.. that these days and times have me appreciated in the deepest of ways.

One Phrase has captured my heart and is birthing life.....

I close my eyes and sit and think of the steps that lead into the building and the pews that fill out the sanctuary.  I close my eyes and see a crazy awesome truly tall man standing at the front.  I smile.


I feel ridiculously blessed in life at times.  While we spent years without a church home now there are two places that reside very deeply within my heart.  My affections and passion for each are huge.


For days now a phrase that comes from the vision statement of Renovatus Church in Charlotte, NC, has been reverberating throughout my entire being.  It is part of what is affectionately called, The Renovatus Manifesto, http://renovatuschurch.com/#/about-us/the-manifesto.  The phrase, the liturgy and the shout, reads like this:  "We will practice the liturgy and the primal shout. ~ We will incite worship that engages both intellect and emotion, believing that the head and heart are to be integrated and not divorced."


It goes far beyond worship for me these days and as true worship does it has infiltrated my world, my life, my all and all...


I was saved through a visitation.  I have never known Christianity without signs and wonders and spirit.  Until I crossed the threshold of Renovatus I had only ever been a part of Charismatic churches.  At one point over seven years ago I ended up exhausted.  Exhausted with church culture, exhausted with ministry,  exhausted by flagrant abuses that were called, "spirit" but the fruit was anything but.  It would take a few years until a dear friend would mention the name, Renovatus, and walking with that community has birthed within me an appreciation for liturgy that I never had before.  In their blending of liturgy and shout I have seen a fullness of walking with the Lord in spirit and in truth, and it has filled my heart and strengthened my spirit.


Oh most of us have heard the statements, that even the churches that aren't liturgical at all have their "liturgy," and those who proclaim absolute freedom from such "confinements," well, the patterns of their non-liturgy come out.  I have heard much criticism concerning the ways of liturgical churches and how they quench the flow of Holy Spirit and I have heard the words of the other side calling the flow of the Holy Spirit emotionally charged insanity.


What it comes down to is order.. not the order of men or of well intention but the ordering of God.  In that place God can be trusted.  He who set the stars in place and holds the foundations of the universe together brings forth greater order out of chaos... It truly comes down to trust.  Can we trust God to order our lives, our families, our congregations, our ministries... can we trust the Lord for the flow of service, the flow of the day... The flow of  of our days.  Can we embrace structure and discipline and order and know that the fluidity of it is not rigid but beautiful and alive and moving?

For me in being confronted with and  getting to see what  liturgy and shout can look like when dancing together has been revolutionary and is only getting even more so.  As the process played out recently I went to do a personal retreat at an Abby near Charlotte. While there the reality of what it looks like to embrace the disciplines of the Faith and the strength and life that reverberate through them, if they aren't treated as some litmus test or proving ground for some sort of super Christian, was brought so deeply home into my heart.  They are NOT something to perform.  They are NOT something to judge oneself or any other by.... BUT they are a beautiful and strengthening component to one's walk with the Lord.


I have added some structures throughout my day that have set times and set perimeters, and they are a huge source of liberty and life!  Morning and afternoon and evening to reset and reposition my heart purposefully before the Lord.  I have begun a daily morning devotional for the online ministry my husband and I direct, Stirthewater.com.  Using the Psalms as the launching point we come together at 5:30am (est) to seek the Lord and abide in His truth, speak life and blessings over participants and enjoy community. Very soon we will step into a year long weekly devotional using Richard Foster's Celebration of Discipline and the workbook, to learn how to abide and celebrate and live and grow in our faith.  How to not do these things as things to perform but to do these things as things that under gird our lives and our days!


I sat and listened to one of my favorite teachers this morning talk about the reality of the beauty of order.  How essential it is to not operate within the rut of a  controlling mindset, in which there is no budging from time and flow of service,  but how operating within  the other rut is just as dangerous.  The rut, that has no authority and an anything goes mentality, is just as harmful to the hearts and spirits of the people of the Lord.


So the liturgy and the shout... it fills out my days... it is the heart beat of God!  God brings great order out of chaos.  His ways are not our ways they are so much higher and so much better. God's order is NOT stifling!  God's order is not rigid! It is beautiful and fluid and full of freedom and at the same time has shape and structure and consistency.  Only our magnificent God could so orchestrate a reality for us... may we keep in tune to His symphony and be caught up in the written notes and sounds as they fill the  air.

It has become a raw blanket trust

I knew it wasn't good when at 6am I was reaching for a diet coke... I knew it hadn't been good when as the day progressed my hand rarely didn't have a diet coke in it.


When the world and life and the flesh crashed in and kept crashing in I realized today that I have reached for a diet coke, I held tight to an aluminium can full of chemicals that suck calcium from my bones and kill brain cells.


There aren't even the words to say or not say...


As one who can disclose intimate details of life and my walk with Christ I find myself silent.  Silent in the realization of His Lordship.  Silent in the  understanding that it is well with my soul. Silenced in the understanding that His ways are the ways my feet must walk upon and there is no other path.


The silence just can't be filled with words. And it is ok...   It is full of a trust and an acknowledgement but finding language to express anything only seems to fall short. I want to fill the silence so I turn to diet coke, or a television show, or ... Fill in the blank...  BUT as I turn to face the silence, as I turn to just sit and allow  this time to be what it is there is a raw blanket trust that is communicated without words.


I look up to the Heavens and don't even speak, not even utter one prayer.. But I look and I acknowledge.. HIM!


It has become a raw blanket trust...  And there are no words...

I trust Him.. I trust Him to be my God.. I want to be His.. I don't want to have any other kings before Him.. He is it... There is no other path...  When you come to the Red Sea and it hasn't parted and the armies of the enemy are in hot pursuit if the seas don't split then that is that....
But we serve a God who parts the waters... time and time and time again.

I have fell silent... there are not the words to speak.. just pure blanket trust...  because He is either my God or He isn't... and with all that is within me that question was settled a long time ago... I have learned and am learning that my  life is in His hands, I don't sit back and rest on my laurels but when upon the edge of the waters I stand, awaiting the waters to part, I need to refuse to do anything else but stand, even when the stampeding hoofs of the enemy's cavalry shake the ground beneath me...

Silence has birthed raw trust...  I stand face to face with my God.. But Him .. BUT Him.. my trust is not in horses.. my trust is not in chariots.. my trust is not in my own strength or capacities because they wain...  My trust is laid at His feet.. My eyes are set upon His face..  My heart is stilled in His company.. and I wait... I wait in silence...I wait for Him

My life is not my own... Lessons learned from the kids..

Hyde Park, New York.


A lamp post.


A driveway.


Grass.


My back leaned against the lamp post.  He had come home from work and without words I handed the child over and walked out the door.


One word... COLIC!


I remember a poem my mother in law gave me very early on in Joshua's life.  The poem consisted of two mom's experience with a playgroup.  Both moms had a newborn baby.  One mom arrived on time looking beautifully put together, baby in the cutest outfit and diaper bag all nicely packed.  The other mom arrived thirty minutes late, hair in pony tail, baby missing a sock, diaper bag forgotten at home.  It was the difference that colic makes.  It was the story of my life.


It was a beautiful early spring afternoon in New York state and I leaned, dazed and confused, against that pole.  Not budging.


Where had my life gone?  For months now there was no sleeping and even with the little bit of sleep, that came my way it was done sitting up so that the baby could be held straight up.  Where had my life gone...  He cried regardless of if he was in the crib, if he was being held, if he was in the car, if he was laid down on a blanket.. He just cried.


I remember thinking back in those days that when he would be a teenager and he would want to sleep that I would wake him up and the old thought of payback...  Flash forward he is an amazing teen, he does love sleep and no, I don't delight in ever having to wake him up.


But back then...  I didn't even shower but listening to him cry, or bringing him into the bathroom in a baby carrier.


That night sitting against that pole I knew I was tasting what "my life is not my own" on a whole new level ...  In the 18 years since I have only learned that lesson more and more.. my schedule, my life, my time, anything.... not my own...  In more seasons and in more ways then I would even care to think about at times that lesson that my life is not my own would come to bear its reality down upon my days.


The sanctuary of truth that flows forth from our Father's heart is incredible, and the reality of what these lessons really bring to bear are beyond precious in their worth!  The reality of when one loses their life they find life echoes throughout all seasons and facets of walking with Christ.  Whether with parenthood or ministry or work or school or whatever journey you find your feet walking down.... that leap of faith that says I will not hold onto something I can't keep but rather I will find the life that comes forth after loss.


That life.. the life that comes forth after the loss, whatever it looks like will be fundamentally more amazing than any life you could have ever picked for yourself.  A crying colicky infant becomes an amazing young man, a heart full of sorrow finds real joy, a weakened body finds strength, and the dead rise....


The reality of our God and His kingdom and the life force attached to Him is beyond my wildest imagination....  so I lean against a lamp post, or I lean against a building, or I sit in my bed and I wonder... Where did my life go?

"I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.
Galatians 2:20

Not just for the prophetic BUT for all....Watch over my mouth... my words...

I watched as the one furiously scribbled down notes.

The sermon was amazing.  The truths and words being spoken were intense and provoking.

I knew my attentions were being drawn to those two men, so as words of life filled the air my heart focused upon them.  I watched as they kept pen to paper and wrote down seemingly every word.


In life I get a lot of questions concerning seeing and knowing in the Spirit.  I have  come to the place where it is for me become a place of partnering with the heart of my Father, my Lord and catching His heart for all those He loves.


Where else I have touched recently is the more I see the more quiet I have become.  Weird for one who is more liken to an extrovert but there are things seen and known that don't have any other fruit but silence, ache and prayer.


I want to know God.. as He is .. not in any way that I would make Him to be....  In the pursuit of relationship I began to ask Him to watch my words.. I felt drawn to 1 Samuel and to the statement of scripture where the Lord didn't allow one of Samuel's words to fall to the ground.  Within these times and please let me scream from the mountains it is with the greatest affection and love, not an ounce of anger or impatience, there have been moments after I have said something when the Father says something along these lines, "If your words were to not fall to the ground would you truly want the fruit of what you said to emerge?  Would you really want that to happen?  Would you really speak that about or to that person if you knew what you said would come to pass?"


It has been a beautiful time of instruction with the Father and in times of many winds and waves in life, my heart and mouth have grown quiet. (For the most part).  I have learned to sit back and watch and wait.  I have learned more about process and the passage of time and its capacity to bring forth fruit.  I have learned to wait.  I have learned that there are seasons when not to speak is the best way and I have watched then when turning towards expression the words can carry more weight.


So those gentleman who were writing notes, my heart and attentions were drawn to them and I could feel Father's compassion.  Their hearts precious before the Lord.  His passion for the immense.  "They know what they are told about me.  They rely upon others to tell them who I am.   I want them to know me."  There was no condemnation.  There was them being seen...God sharing His heart for them.. it truly has nothing to do with me except I believe Him when He speaks.. I hear Him when He calls... I listen for His heart...  I trust what He shows me and I walk.. as best as I can I walk forward day after day.. seeing.. knowing.. hearing.. believing.. trusting... or at least with everything within me trying to.


What do I do when  something is seen?  The more and more I know the love of God the more that the answer to the question becomes more and more about the person being seen than anything at all about me or my capacity or lack there of to see the heart of God, the heart of man...


It isn't exactly bad that those men are where they are as long as they don't stay there.. and that was the conversation I had with my husband and the prayers we prayed.  The prayers I continue to pray, not just for them.. but for me.. for those I love...  That we would all be further moved into His presence.. into His likeness... This is the reason we live.. to be called up and in and towards remembrance of who we actually REALLY are.. To remember our truest nature. To remember Him.


We all start somewhere...  we all begin somewhere.. whether in physical life or in spirit...  I remember sitting on the bottom stair listening to this one man request prayer .. I remember wishing that a popular speaker I had just heard was there to pray for him because then it would be "great prayer" whatever that is...


That was over twenty years ago.  When I scribbled down notes.. and hung on every word spoken.. hungry to know God.. hungry to understand...  I'm still hungry to know and understand but the journey and the road looks different now.. I have learned trust and I have learned having come to more of the end of myself how immense our God is.. I have begun to trust in His nature and character in new ways that silence the soul and quiet the storm.

It doesn't come from any one place but rather a life being lived unto Him as best as it can be...

The more I touch His affections.. the quieter at times I am...  The more I see the reality of His nature and character the more compassion that arises within my being..  that more of Him and less of me  can flow forth from my life, more of His words and thoughts and recognitions can flow forth from my heart...


 I sit allowing compassion to fill my heart and ache for other's growth and prayer that God's love would be made known to fill out my being.  My words may be fewer and fewer but I feel the grinch like nature of my human heart being washed away and an increased capacity  to walk loving God and neighbor...


 Isaiah 53:6 speaks it forth the best way:  All of us like sheep have gone astray, Each of us has turned to his own way; But the LORD has caused the iniquity of us all To fall on Him.


But Him.. who would know Him.. But His grace.. His kindness.. His compassion.. His righteousness.. His words.. His mercy... His love... His affections.. BUT HIM we would each go our own way... and it would not be good.. But His goodness made a way to see and to stand and to know and be known...  The iniquity of me turning to my own ways has been laid upon my Lord.. More truth in those few words then could ever be fully understood..  But in receiving the reality of that as best I can I face Heaven and hunger for Heaven's ways, Heaven's heartbeat.. Heaven's reality!

May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing...

We do not labor in vain... Lessons learned Part 1

I had been sick for the entire pregnancy.


Lost more weight than I gained.


On the day when my mother and I went into the doctor's office hoping they would induced immediately, another patient asked if we were just finding out that we were pregnant.


Preeclampsia was the diagnosis and the prescription was to be induced that Saturday.


I remember staying up the night before and writing Joshua a letter,  I remember walking out the door of our apartment knowing that I would never be an "I" again... not really...  Not now that I would forever be a mother.


I remember all that could go wrong, did go wrong...  but what I remember more than anything was this....


We had gotten to the birth center and the hateful drug (smiling here now not then), pitocin, was being administered.  I was not in labor at all and so everything was going to be jump started.  It was early in the morning and the first grandchild and great grandchild was about to be born.. there were going to be lots of people waiting for this baby.


At one point two precious friends came to the hospital and Jim went out with my family to catch something to eat.  Nothing was happening.  My friends and I began to play cards.


I will never forget that first moment.


I will never forget the first moment when I felt the very first contraction.  I will never forget the first moment when I really realized this thought.. "this is not going to stop until there is a baby... I am so not in control."


And I wasn't and it didn't....


I will never forget those moments when forces beyond my control took over in order that something, a child.. would be birthed...


I had done what I could do... I had gotten pregnant... I had carried the baby... I had prepared for his birth...  and now ... now our labor would not be in vain.


1 Corinthians 15:58

Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord.



Philippians 2:14-16

Do all things without murmurings and disputings: That you may be blameless and harmless, the sons of God, without rebuke, in the middle of a crooked and perverse nation, among whom you shine as lights in the world;Holding forth the word of life; that I may rejoice in the day of Christ, that I have not run in vain, neither labored in vain. …

I had a bassinet by my bedside.  It was all prepared with sheets and blankets, it was ready to be our son's first resting place.  We had labored to get ready.  Now he was coming.  Now he was going to be with us... He would have a resting place.. We had not labored in vain.

I have a graduation robe hanging in my closet...  18 years have led up to a moment that is upon us... we have not labored in vain.  Our son has not labored in vain...


As I approached this series thinking about lessons I have learned from each of the children, this story about Joshua's birth landed upon my heart.  I remembered as the contractions began we put away the cards, Jim came back to the hospital, family gathered outside the doors, all stood in anticipation for our son to come into the world...


Christ came into this world.. His labor is NOT in vain... He has promised that the good works He started He will complete...  We are the workmanship of Christ... He does all things well...  His efforts are not futile.

Romans 8:22-27

For we know that the whole creation groans and travails in pain together until now. And not only they, but ourselves also, which have the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting for the adoption, to wit, the redemption of our body.For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope: for what a man sees, why does he yet hope for? … But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it. Likewise the Spirit also helps our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. And he that searches the hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because he makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God.

It is not in futility that we seek out our savior and it isn't in vain that we labor...  in both the interior and exterior journeying out of our faith we find a reality that far surpasses that of the earth and we touch heaven, and are touched by heaven and are changed more and more into His likeness....  

On January 28, 1995 at 6:04pm (est) Joshua Driscoll entered the world... We have loved him and cherished him and been taught by him.. enjoyed him, delighted in him, challenged and been challenged by him...  in 18 years of life I have watched and loved and carried forth... we have not labored in vain...  Joshua has not labored in vain...  You do not labor in vain... Christ's labor within us all is NOT in vain...

Philippians 3:20

But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior.

It is NOT in vain that we wait, that we are eager... it is NOT in vain that we hope...  

EIGHTEEN YEARS LATER....  WE DO NOT LABOR IN VAIN... WHAT AN AMAZING JOURNEY!