I watched as the one furiously scribbled down notes.
The sermon was amazing. The truths and words being spoken were intense and provoking.
I knew my attentions were being drawn to those two men, so as words of life filled the air my heart focused upon them. I watched as they kept pen to paper and wrote down seemingly every word.
In life I get a lot of questions concerning seeing and knowing in the Spirit. I have come to the place where it is for me become a place of partnering with the heart of my Father, my Lord and catching His heart for all those He loves.
Where else I have touched recently is the more I see the more quiet I have become. Weird for one who is more liken to an extrovert but there are things seen and known that don't have any other fruit but silence, ache and prayer.
I want to know God.. as He is .. not in any way that I would make Him to be.... In the pursuit of relationship I began to ask Him to watch my words.. I felt drawn to 1 Samuel and to the statement of scripture where the Lord didn't allow one of Samuel's words to fall to the ground. Within these times and please let me scream from the mountains it is with the greatest affection and love, not an ounce of anger or impatience, there have been moments after I have said something when the Father says something along these lines, "If your words were to not fall to the ground would you truly want the fruit of what you said to emerge? Would you really want that to happen? Would you really speak that about or to that person if you knew what you said would come to pass?"
It has been a beautiful time of instruction with the Father and in times of many winds and waves in life, my heart and mouth have grown quiet. (For the most part). I have learned to sit back and watch and wait. I have learned more about process and the passage of time and its capacity to bring forth fruit. I have learned to wait. I have learned that there are seasons when not to speak is the best way and I have watched then when turning towards expression the words can carry more weight.
So those gentleman who were writing notes, my heart and attentions were drawn to them and I could feel Father's compassion. Their hearts precious before the Lord. His passion for the immense. "They know what they are told about me. They rely upon others to tell them who I am. I want them to know me." There was no condemnation. There was them being seen...God sharing His heart for them.. it truly has nothing to do with me except I believe Him when He speaks.. I hear Him when He calls... I listen for His heart... I trust what He shows me and I walk.. as best as I can I walk forward day after day.. seeing.. knowing.. hearing.. believing.. trusting... or at least with everything within me trying to.
What do I do when something is seen? The more and more I know the love of God the more that the answer to the question becomes more and more about the person being seen than anything at all about me or my capacity or lack there of to see the heart of God, the heart of man...
It isn't exactly bad that those men are where they are as long as they don't stay there.. and that was the conversation I had with my husband and the prayers we prayed. The prayers I continue to pray, not just for them.. but for me.. for those I love... That we would all be further moved into His presence.. into His likeness... This is the reason we live.. to be called up and in and towards remembrance of who we actually REALLY are.. To remember our truest nature. To remember Him.
We all start somewhere... we all begin somewhere.. whether in physical life or in spirit... I remember sitting on the bottom stair listening to this one man request prayer .. I remember wishing that a popular speaker I had just heard was there to pray for him because then it would be "great prayer" whatever that is...
That was over twenty years ago. When I scribbled down notes.. and hung on every word spoken.. hungry to know God.. hungry to understand... I'm still hungry to know and understand but the journey and the road looks different now.. I have learned trust and I have learned having come to more of the end of myself how immense our God is.. I have begun to trust in His nature and character in new ways that silence the soul and quiet the storm.
It doesn't come from any one place but rather a life being lived unto Him as best as it can be...
The more I touch His affections.. the quieter at times I am... The more I see the reality of His nature and character the more compassion that arises within my being.. that more of Him and less of me can flow forth from my life, more of His words and thoughts and recognitions can flow forth from my heart...
I sit allowing compassion to fill my heart and ache for other's growth and prayer that God's love would be made known to fill out my being. My words may be fewer and fewer but I feel the grinch like nature of my human heart being washed away and an increased capacity to walk loving God and neighbor...
Isaiah 53:6 speaks it forth the best way: All of us like sheep have gone astray, Each of us has turned to his own way; But the LORD has caused the iniquity of us all To fall on Him.
But Him.. who would know Him.. But His grace.. His kindness.. His compassion.. His righteousness.. His words.. His mercy... His love... His affections.. BUT HIM we would each go our own way... and it would not be good.. But His goodness made a way to see and to stand and to know and be known... The iniquity of me turning to my own ways has been laid upon my Lord.. More truth in those few words then could ever be fully understood.. But in receiving the reality of that as best I can I face Heaven and hunger for Heaven's ways, Heaven's heartbeat.. Heaven's reality!
May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing...
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