I am blessed .. I am so fully and truly blessed... Not tongue in cheek or name it and claiming it here... but settling my soul and lingering in the sweet aroma of heaven. Having been teaching and studying through the psalms, the verses and truths and cries and praises of David fill out my soul. The days of treacherous troubles and sin to the moments of absolute courage and utter abandonment in praise... the gamut of emotions is run.
David is a very good companion for me in these days...
In a season that has only seen what has seemed like loss and struggle and disorientation, during a time when any strength I thought I possessed has been laid to bare along with my insecurities and my fears... When any profession of expertise would falter...
I have touched something that as of yet I can not bring completely into expression... I continue to watch out of my eyes and anticipate all that surrounds me... I continue to try and take in the topsy turvy nature of things and attempt to not so timidly place one foot in front of the other... I delight in the giggles that erupt and the inquisitive nature of 6 year old discovery... I try to not ache as much as the house quiets down and one is not with us .. under our roof...
New places...
New times
New seasons...
I search out the consistencies... football may have a different coach, a different field, a different name but football has been a staple in the Driscoll family and so in it I find a smile come to my face as I drop my son off at the field house.
I sit in a panera that I have sat at more times than I can count but today it feels different. I am not getting back into my car and driving 3 hours home... home is just around the block. I sit in a booth I am certain that I have sat in before and I close my eyes and remember the times having spent here and I smile...
I enter into a church that has felt like home for over the past decade plus some and I pause, stop.. remember...
Alongside the familiar the effects of living feel more liken unto a snow globe having been shaken up one too many times. Within touching the familiar the unfamiliar nature of it all at times steals my breath away.
Today a precious token arrived in the mail.. a remembrance of hearts and friendship.. again of familiar times gone by... the sitting in living rooms, other paneras, starbucks, church hallways...
I'm a creature needing home... needing comfort.. needing familiar... Being raised in closed off closets and locked cages my soul becomes truly unsettled in seasons such as these... And this has been one very long season.
Yet as in Lamentations... I command my soul... Lamentations 3:21-23
This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have hope.
The Lord’s lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
As I lead the devotion through Psalm 8 today, the verses that filled out my being were many but the concept that saturated my soul was found in verse 6.
You make him to rule over the works of Your hands;
You have put all things under his feet,
I am made to rule over the works of His hands ... for my life.. practically that looks like my own soul, the lives of my family.. and the aspects of ministry that He has placed before my path...
As I went about my day today I had sermons playing in the background... This is where I am richly blessed... The Lord has been so very gracious to me to put men and women in my life whose teaching I could listen to and listen to and listen to and never grow weary of hearing their voices or hearing them teach or preach.
Listening to my friend, Rick Sizemore, teach on Valleys.. focusing on the Valley of Dry Bones and the need to speak to such things... Listening to another friend, Jonathan Martin, preach it on the concept of Witness and share personally from his own life and experiences.... allowing truth to saturate the air of my home.
I honestly don't know how much more of this life of mine can continue in the pathways of disorientation as they have.. I honestly don't know about my own fortitude much anymore these days... I honestly think my capacity for perseverance is laying a bit thin... I honestly think that if I read another fortune cookie prophecy or status update I think I'll scream... because it just isn't like that... it really isn't like that...
So the familiar in Christ is even up in the air.. because I am losing my Americanized religion and perspective... and I'm laying a hold of something so much richer... In coming to the end of myself and my abilities I have trembled before a God who I have had to re get to know... or maybe in some ways really know for maybe even the first time... in some places definitely it is a whole new walk...
Now really read this.. Christ hasn't changed.. I have... and the places where He seems bigger and more real.. and in the more.. the challenge to lay down more and more of my heart and become more and more of His... and then I touch the familiar.. The beckoning and the calling forth.. The passion for my trust to be laid at His feet.. The hunger and desire He has for me to be completely His...
That holding out of His hand across the chasm and beckoning me to take it... but everything seems so much more this time and yet He then calls back to mind the other fissures He has led me across.. the other gaping holes in the ground that He has lifted me across...
My faint heart and my hungry eyes look upon Him and in that gaze that stares back at me I finally see the familiar... In my hesitation, He does not hesitate... In my caution, He rears His compassion and His strength... In my fear, He pours out perfect love.. ushering not pulling... alluring not demanding... Calmly and gently whispering remembrances of His faithfulness and sweetly being the lifter of my head and bringing my gaze towards His... He holds my gaze even when I can't and He locks hearts with me even when I can't... and I realize... that in the familiar environment of Christ I need be nothing else but His and I collapse into His arms....
And in that moment the assurances and reassurances of Heaven wash over my weary flesh and pronounce over me His affections and strengthen a soul in need....
Without grandiose faith, without monumental courage my declaration becomes I am weak and I am poor but .. BUT YOU!
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