Hyde Park, New York.
A lamp post.
A driveway.
Grass.
My back leaned against the lamp post. He had come home from work and without words I handed the child over and walked out the door.
One word... COLIC!
I remember a poem my mother in law gave me very early on in Joshua's life. The poem consisted of two mom's experience with a playgroup. Both moms had a newborn baby. One mom arrived on time looking beautifully put together, baby in the cutest outfit and diaper bag all nicely packed. The other mom arrived thirty minutes late, hair in pony tail, baby missing a sock, diaper bag forgotten at home. It was the difference that colic makes. It was the story of my life.
It was a beautiful early spring afternoon in New York state and I leaned, dazed and confused, against that pole. Not budging.
Where had my life gone? For months now there was no sleeping and even with the little bit of sleep, that came my way it was done sitting up so that the baby could be held straight up. Where had my life gone... He cried regardless of if he was in the crib, if he was being held, if he was in the car, if he was laid down on a blanket.. He just cried.
I remember thinking back in those days that when he would be a teenager and he would want to sleep that I would wake him up and the old thought of payback... Flash forward he is an amazing teen, he does love sleep and no, I don't delight in ever having to wake him up.
But back then... I didn't even shower but listening to him cry, or bringing him into the bathroom in a baby carrier.
That night sitting against that pole I knew I was tasting what "my life is not my own" on a whole new level ... In the 18 years since I have only learned that lesson more and more.. my schedule, my life, my time, anything.... not my own... In more seasons and in more ways then I would even care to think about at times that lesson that my life is not my own would come to bear its reality down upon my days.
The sanctuary of truth that flows forth from our Father's heart is incredible, and the reality of what these lessons really bring to bear are beyond precious in their worth! The reality of when one loses their life they find life echoes throughout all seasons and facets of walking with Christ. Whether with parenthood or ministry or work or school or whatever journey you find your feet walking down.... that leap of faith that says I will not hold onto something I can't keep but rather I will find the life that comes forth after loss.
That life.. the life that comes forth after the loss, whatever it looks like will be fundamentally more amazing than any life you could have ever picked for yourself. A crying colicky infant becomes an amazing young man, a heart full of sorrow finds real joy, a weakened body finds strength, and the dead rise....
The reality of our God and His kingdom and the life force attached to Him is beyond my wildest imagination.... so I lean against a lamp post, or I lean against a building, or I sit in my bed and I wonder... Where did my life go?
"I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.
Galatians 2:20
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