In the bathtub tonight as I sat there knees to chest... head resting on knees... facing the wall.. fingers tracing the water.... I prayed a prayer I have prayed lots these days.... not many coherent prayers coming forth from my lips or my heart in these moments... but days ago I hit upon a prayer that has carried me through many a moment..
I can't remember what it was that caused me to first pray those words... Maybe I was realizing that I was going to a diet coke for comfort... or I was watching a tv show to entertain myself away from the reality of what the day had been....
But as the words came out the first time it hit me that this.. this could be a big part of this journey or this season.... I prayed "Lord.. other gods have ruled over me... " and as I prayed those words I also thought how I wanted a king... a proverbial king... someone to tell me what to do.. someone tangible to tell me what to do... I wanted comfort... comfort that my flesh and soul could feel.. could attach to....
I thought of my diet coke, I thought of the feeling in my body of being in control when I didn't eat.... I thought of many things.... my "gods," my "kings," my "comforts."
I have heard a friend teach about needs and when the props of life are removed what does one fall back on.... I have watched my soul attach its okedness to a situation or scenario... if this is happening then I am ok.. if this isn't happening than I am not..... I am ok... if.... instead of it is well with my soul ... PERIOD....
My emotions are still on edge... and my soul is still trying to find that settled place... I acknowledge that peace that passes all understanding is mine always and yet landing there isn't the easiest task.... and that the wellness of my soul should not be able to be dictated to by whatever might emerge within the day....
In the warmest of warm water tonight again I prayed.. .Lord other gods have ruled over me and I have desired a king.... I have allowed other things to bring comfort to my soul and allowed the temporary aspect of them to trump waiting upon You and Your permanent all knowing kindnesses.....
Not much changed.... but I spoke the words again and again.... " other gods have ruled over me and I have desired a king... I have allowed other things to bring comfort to my soul" ... but this time... this time as the words continued to flow so did a confession.... and repentance.... and acknowledgement... that only Him... that only in Him would I find the truest of comfort.... He is the comforter.... and that while there are so many proverbial "gods" and "kings" out there He is God and He is King... and I spoke of how being His with or without understanding was truly all that I wanted....
Still tired... still ragged..... but turning in the right direction.... commanding my soul to quiet down... and turning to my God.. my King.. my Comfort..... "In Your presence is fullness of joy..." Psalm 16:11... His presence isn't dictated to by life's circumstances or situations.. His presence is that it is that it is.... and within His presence is fullness of joy... not temporary... but forever lasting.. and His joy is my strength....
"In repentance and rest you will be saved.. in quietness and trust is your strength..." It says of the Israelites that they were not willing... yet I truly desire salvation and strength... and so I turn to rest and repentance... I turn to quietness and trust..... and I declare to my soul... as in psalm 116... "return to your rest, oh my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you..."
No other god.. no other king.. no other comfort... can match that which He is and does... I let go of what I can only temporarily hold to grasp that which forever holds me.....
No comments:
Post a Comment