because when anything can happen something usually would and it wouldn't be good

I listened to her....  she came to a place in what she was sharing that I was struck by the words she was speaking...  a dear friend of mine has told me that in prayer ministry sessions there are times when you are sitting with someone that the things you hear end up causing you to realize that later on in the day or when the chance comes you too will have things to pray through....

This was one of those times.... something she had shared sparked understanding in my heart to somethings I had not considered before.. her understanding of events was birthing something inside me...


I have permission to share that which I am about to and I will place my own experiences in where I believe is beneficial...  because I think there is something so powerful to opening up these emotions and experiences to those of you that are struggling to even allow thoughts or remembrances of specific moments or events to even run through your mind.... 


I remember the very first time I wrote down just one sentence of what had occurred in my life... I looked at it... took a black sharpie and scratched those words off of visibility forever....  No one to talk to ... not even able to face words written down ...

As I listened I wanted to say its ok... to say that where one might find themselves today won't be where they will find themselves tomorrow....  I listened and watched as grace and mercy kissed and truth was expressed and a light entered her eyes and filled her countenance

So back to listening to this beautiful daughter of God......

Personally I have always wondered why days that were just the kind of day that most people desire cause me to be unsettled... those days that have no specific agenda... those days when most things are done (or enough done that they don't crowd or place a demand on the schedule) and so the day can just be a day... nothing planned ... nothing demanded.... just a chill out kind of day..... I don't really like those days they leave me with this pit in my stomach the "anything can happen" and instead of that being a good thing it is a place of anxiety...

Rather I don't mind the days that have a specific schedule ... even the grueling long conference days of meetings and ministry and and and are preferred... I know what to expect and there isn't a vague notion of what the day will entail... I know exactly what it will be and what will be expected of me and for the most part know how to operate within those days.... Days where kids schedules or other schedules rule my days those are good as well...  but those days when anything can happen or just the chill kind of days (yes even with a family of 6 kids we have those... sometimes) those days end up being a bit more taxing upon me and I have never had clarity...

Well not until I sat with her and listened to her and watched her and then I knew... I knew why those lazy care free days where anything can happen were not pleasant for me and I thought... hhhmmmm this will be one of those times where later in the day I take a long walk and process life with the Lord... pushing back those thoughts for now and looking at this most beautiful of women sitting in front of me.. I turned my attentions to her and to her story....

Days that you knew were going to be full of craziness... where either a parent was very drunk or angry....  or cult members were preparing ritual type moments.... or and the list could go on and on... those days... as horrible as those days were... there was a sense of at least one knew what to expect.....or if she couldn't know what to expect she knew it was going to be bad.. there was no illusion of a carefree day ahead...

Once she began talking about things like that I knew where she was going and this is that...

It was the days that started off nicely... it was the days where things seemingly were going well... it was the nights that you could lay your head down on your own  pillow and think everything was going to be ok....  It was those times... those times where you actually allowed your body to relax and your mind to be at ease... those times where you actually had a genuine bit of laughter emerge from your being ... those times where the day seemed good... 

She shared how she thought that in her experience those days were as much a set up as the bad ones....  that she was brought to a place where her heart wasn't on guard so much... where she had allowed herself to relax... 

She remembers a day lounging on a towel outside feeling the warm beautiful rays of sun upon her face... when a shadow fell upon her and with it a chill rushed down her spine... she thought if she kept her eyes closed long enough the cloud would pass away and the sun would come back out all the while knowing sadly it wasn't a cloud.....

She came to dread the so called good days... because when anything can happen something usually would and it wouldn't be good....  she remembered sleeping under her bed because then she couldn't be so easily grabbed in the middle of the night....  she remembered hiding out in the loneliest of places and trying to not breath so loud so that she wouldn't be discovered... closets... basements...  attics... woods ... they would be where she would stay a good portion of her days... always listening.. for the footsteps... the voices... living always unsettled...  

As I watched her continue story after story I thought these stories need to be told... I thought for each story I was hearing and/or could tell... for each story that others hear ... they must be told.....  while painful... courage is granted and  to have then someone come alongside and show compassion and speak truth ... to have the stories out of one's being is empowering as hard as those first steps might be ... to open up heart and mouth and share allows the process of healing to come forth...

I thought of how when a very dear friend of mine has talked to  me through  things I am thinking about we get to this place and the thing I keep telling her is so beautiful for me when she speaks is when she communicates comfort... when she shares about how what I am speaking of isn't crazy or so far out of the ballpark... when my friend speaks and she relays her understanding of the character and nature of God... His grace and His mercy and she presents it in such a way that is so easily grabbed a hold of she ends up being a springboard of hope.....

Hope and understanding are powerful tools....  lack of each causes one to perish but with each element comes strength and peace and life....  and that is truly beautiful to behold.. the redemptive work of our Lord is forever awesome...