Because you are so other

Laying there I silently spoke of my need for Him... my desire to commune with Him... My need for His presence.. my heart hunger for Him to come and strengthen me...

Laying a hold of the promises that I will never be left nor forsaken... that I will always be loved more than I could ever fathom... laying a hold of the promises that before I call He answers.. and while I yet speak He hears..

Raising my heart up to Him.. my heart that needs His love and His affections so very much... laying there on the sofa.. curled beneath a blanket.. heart and hope looking to Heaven I release myself to Him... pulling away from fear  and embracing hope I turn to the One whose character and nature I am learning to trust all the more...

I am His... His daughter... but in the natural away from that relationship daughter has never been a term used for joy....  a placement of horror...  a relationship so warped...  fear fed intentionally....  It took me over 15 years to be able to embrace this aspect of our God... but He waited... He waited and He wooed me and His patience and His kindness and His generosity played a part so large in my life becoming that which it is becoming....

I was asked a question today about my relationship with Him and I smiled.. I smiled to myself as I answered... I wrote of how He is my safest place... even as I write that I feel my eyes brighten and my heart breath in hope as it exhales a sigh....  I wrote today of how my communication with Him has become one of no holding back... of taking walks and exposing to Him my heart ... the things He already knows .. but I am opening up my mouth and my heart and laying it all bare to Him...

Places where I see sin... lack.... fear... within me... things that I would not so readily  share... now sitting at His feet ... by His throne ... asking my Father to console me... asking my Father to heal me... asking my Father to empower me towards things so different than what my flesh.. history.. soul... have known...

So tonight... in a weak and weepy place I looked to Heaven...  I laid upon my sofa in my living room curled under a blanket... such an earthly place and I looked towards Heaven ... for that is where my strength comes from... 

A place so other... a place so full...  asking that as it is there so would it be here....  that the fullness of who I most truly am would find its expression within me now... that as I am already seated in the most beautiful of Heavenly places that that reality would manifest upon my body while walking upon the earth...

I can barely type this part.. head bowed.. fingers reaching for keys... I tremble... shaken inside by the immense level of compassion that manifests within Him and flows forth from Him... He knows how we are made.... He remembers that we are but dust....  His tenderness is beyond me.. I am undone... hungering for an age and time where nothing separates.. but yearning to walk this space and place out well... I am His daughter.. I bare forth His image.. it is nothing I do it is just what it is .. His image upon me.. His breathe breathed into me... He in me the truest hope of glory.. His thoughts and opinions ruling within me forming me over and over into more of Him....

I laid there on my sofa tonight needing a Father... something I never knew tangibly on this earth ... something that never brought one iota of comfort and brought great harm... I laid there on my sofa tonight a daughter.. needing her Father... and before I called He answered and while I yet spoke He heard... and I saw Him emerge as One so other than anything that could ever be expressed...

Those moments I will carry into eternity with me.. These moments I walk daily with and hold them dear and precious to my heart... I am His... My worth to Him far out numbers the capacity of measurement....  And His care and concern for me leaves me open ... changes me beyond my understanding...