There are Things that Just Stink... plain and simple... can't think of any eloquent words or phrases other than that

my thoughts are all rambled tonight and the lack of sleep I am sure does my constitution no good.... but here I am...

the old Vineyard song streams through my head and heart ....Pour Out My Heart

Here I am,
Once again
I pour out my heart
For I know that you hear
Every cry,
You are listening
No matter what state
My heart is in

You are faithful
To answer
With words that are true
And a hope that is real
As I feel
Your touch
You bring a freedom
To all that's within
In the safety of this place
I'm longing to...

Pour out my heart
To say that I love you
Pour out my heart
To say that I need you
Pour out my heart
To say that I'm thankful
Pour out my heart
To say that you're wonderful


A child will learn how to walk... step by step they will put one foot in front of the other....

How does one walk in transparency and vulnerability when those places linger in the air and so much surrounds them at times... so many questions... so many thoughts.... hunger... desire.... transparency and vulnerability come with a cost.... moments at a pretend stop sign... I want to stop ... put up walls... put on a face... play the game... act my part.... but then I wouldn't be myself... I can't compromise these areas even if it would be for my own safety or comfort.....

Today I witnessed a beautiful thing as a people celebrated their history together and it was a marvelous sight.... but here it has stirred me and stayed with me all day and it is now three in the following morning and I am awake... Between learning about heritage and watching it unfold before me I have been so extremely blessed....

I have grown in the last few months such a deep appreciation for all that the puzzle pieces that have brought me to this moment and yet last night all that is within me is saying be sensible ... go to sleep.. don't write anything you will regret... and so I have tried... I have tried to go to sleep... only to get back up again and be faced with this laying upon my heart..... and so I write this....

I write this for me .... for whatever..... I write it because it is an ache upon my heart tonight ... saying no more then that which is written ... but saying it... I write this though because He is so very faithful and He hungers for truth in the inner most parts and there are aspects to this walk that just plainly stink at times ( I guess it needs to be revised with sleep in my being now in the morning.... but I won't just the word... maybe sad.. maybe painful... )

.. more than not ... maybe it is just to say.... I understand the way things are but I think that it stinks.... and I wish it were not so..... I wish love triumphed more often than not.. I wish that brothers and sisters could journey always upon the same roads and that there would never be a detour.... I wish I knew how to walk those detours better... but I don't and my heart aches... I wish I was wiser... I wish I had the words to say that would remedy things that might just not have a remedy in this life and that is just the truth... there is a time and a season to mourn and I do... I mourn what was lost... I mourn and anguish at times over things that could have been or over things that truly just stink.....

I have rich heritage in the Lord... I have been taught by some amazing people... I have been led by and taught to lead by some truly anointed men and women ... their faces play upon the landscapes of my heart and my mind all day today and into the night...... while at times it has been my immaturities that separated us .... sometimes it was yours.... and love that needs to cover wasn't able to manifest.... maybe there will be a time.. maybe there will be a place... I trust in seasons... a season for this and a season for that.... and I know that there will be a day when there won't be any more detours but we will stand together ... worship together... laugh together... if not this day .. if not this season... well, I know that there will be one if not here ... there.... for the Lord delights in unity and while a child at heart would love to think it is as simple as that... I understand that there are seasons for detours.... it just stinks sometimes...... maybe more than just sometimes......

Commodity Trading

Commodity Trading 


There have been words stirring in my head this week that I honestly don't even fully understand ....


But there are aspects to it that have broken my heart and while I have attempted to write on several occasions I have failed miserably


How does one determine worth or value?  So many factors come into  place...  While I might place great value on a specific attribute to another it might hold no worth.....


Yet the aspect that broke my heart was the commodity trading within the Body of Christ... But the picture I saw was not of one using commodities but of ones selling themselves as a commodity .... 


I just simply don't have the ability to bring this forward but this I must say even if it is spit out incoherently ....


Be a son... Be a daughter.... To lessen oneself to a product that can be used is to not stand in ones full stature..... While all would agree with that statement ... We sell ourselves constantly ... For acceptance ... Love ... Approval ... 


We sell ourselves as commodities to the highest bidder and it is sad....


You aren't worth something because you can sing, prophesy, help, teach, etc etc  And if you gain worth because of those things you are setting yourself up for great sadness.....  Huge fluctuations within the markets of men will cause great sorrow within your soul.... 


I have watched and seen as people rise in favor with man  and with it self esteem ... I have seen that same self esteem dashed to pieces as man's favor ebbed away more than flowed....


Rather I would say be a Daniel... Who within a strange culture defined himself as God would have him do so..... Daniel would walk and minister in the courts of kings and then into obscurity he would venture .... I believe Daniel knew the secret that favor with our God is a stabilizing factor and it doesn't matter who else knows you if you are known by God .... 


Rather I would have a day walking in the favor and authority of God than years of the same with man.....  While we see both become necessary as Jesus grew in both.... Our Lord never sold himself as less than what He was and He defined Himself as belonging to the Father... 


You aren't a commodity to sell ... You are a son... A daughter ... Who flows with the life of the Kingdom... Walking as such is a place of freedom .. You aren't defined by what you do... Your worth was set by God and it isn't something that fluctuates 

I have been defined.....

"Once you were not a people but now you are the people of God...."

I understood the "not" aspect of this so very well.... But now ... now I am stepping into a daydream of sorts... but it isn't a daydream... it is the deepest reality....

I am thoroughly branded as His... I belong to Him... I am His.... His daughter...

I have tried to describe the deep joy and contentment that resides within my soul over this fact.... a solidness that just fills the core of who I am with a radiant warmth that resonates peace and love and joy and strength....

I have always wanted to be a daughter... not just by birth..... I have always wanted to know the joy of one who would call me daughter...to know that there is a mutual delight and affection between parent and child.....

He created me within the womb of my mother.... He has known me and seen me before I was even conceived... He conceived of me... His thoughts brought my being into being... and His thoughts were only those of love.....

I belong to Him... not to this world.. not to anything else that would try to define me.... I have been defined... I am His and His love brings form to all that would encompass that definition..... I am wonderfully and fearfully made... made in the image of Father... resembling Him.... reflecting Him.. that is all I want out of this life....

I didn't know the joy of being a daughter ... I knew what it was like to not be ... to not be a people... a person.. I knew lack...... and now... well now I get to know this solid place... this solid place where I soar.... where joy just envelopes me just because.. just because I am His... He is my Father... He is Father... a good... loving... gentle... strong... amazing... wonderful... Father.... who adores me as His daughter... and walks with me and keeps me to Himself....

Nothing that this world... this life... the enemy... works.... ministry... nothing... nothing even comes close to touching this place.... I am not defined by what I do but whose I am .... and I am His.... and that ... that is just a completely amazing thing that tonight just is exploding in my chest like fireworks going off over and over and over and over again... exploding in color and in celebration... In noise.... and In light...

That which is true about this pulsates within me and bursts forth life and joy and hope and courage and boldness and and and and and and ...... may I always only ever have eyes for Him and live my life so lost within that gaze .. walking side by side.. hand in hand... His strength surrounds me and fills me and embraces me ...

Oh He is such an amazing Father... He is such an amazing Father... I didn't know .. I didn't realize.. I didn't understand.. I couldn't see.... it was His love that opened my eyes.. His passion for me that healed my heart... His hunger for me to walk and know what it was like to belong to Him as His daughter..... all that I am and all that I will ever do while upon the face of the Earth may it just bring Him glory... may I just reflect His image clearer and clearer so as to show forth how marvelous He is.....

I wanted to be fathered with all that was within me... I was perishing because my heart so lacked and my inner being so hungered .... and now.. now I am filled ... now my heart thrives... now... now .. now I am fathered... I am fathered... and He does it oh so very well.... I am His... all my days .. I am His...

I was not a person... I did not belong... but now ... now now... I belong to the most marvelous .. wonderful... incredible being.. and I don't just belong.... I am His daughter... forever... forever I have been defined... loved... cherished and adored... forever and for forever.. it will be

A Play on Words... Brings Back Strength and Hope

The love of God is stronger than anything I know.... I fear that I do not have the capacity to grab a hold of it as much as I need to... when it is clear and when sight is opened up it is easy.. but we don't walk by sight but by faith and yet sight comes....

My problem is when it goes... it isn't hard to believe in something you can touch and see ... and when it is so palpable and so in my face then my feet feel like that of the deer's and I can leap any mountain ... yet the opposite is as true... truly if I hunger for honesty in my inner parts and ask the Lord to search me (scary prayer ) I know that He maintains all of my strength and without His maintenance I wither...

Tonight I awoke to a battle of my mind and my heart was being torn from my chest.... if I am a hypocrite than I am a hypocrite and if I am a liar than I am a liar... without Him and His grace I am many things that I would like not to be.... In that state of being perplexed and tossed and full of turmoil I cried out to my Father ... and upon that moment of great chaos He brought forth understanding....

Here in the midst of being confronted by my humanity and weakness and having it be used as a weapon that had been formed against me.... assaulted by doubt and strangled by fear .. He arose upon my person with a picture.... a picture and verses of Truth.....

I cannot express to you the condition of my mind prior to that revelation because I think to do so would take numerous pages of writing ... let me state it simply because I want to say what the picture is but I want it to fall upon you as it did me.... a sheer panic and horror had landed upon me.... The accuser is extremely talented at that which he does and my defenses these last few days have not been what they should be.... the hard part is that lies are never totally lies or we would be able to see them as such... no unfortunately there is enough truth to be told about the darkness of my soul that the roaring lion was seeking to devour my heart.....

Upon that scene I cried out .. condemnation so far removed from true conviction but in the middle of the night and as I have said upon days of feeling under pressure I lacked discernment.... so I found my breath and cried out to the very one whose comfort I needed... I fall upon the Rock ... crying out .. afraid of what He might say...... but needing to hear it anyway......

And upon that place .. oh my upon that place... My Father stepped in and like David did he slayed that lion... as He did for Daniel He did for me and closed that roaring beast's mouth... so humbled.. so humbled.. I know who I am without Him and yet I am learning to know who I am as His and I had stumbled and forgotten ... upon that place... upon that place .. He showed me a picture of a mine... and before I could even contemplate that which the picture of the mine meant ... the word play of it broke my heart.. and defused that attack...

You see beyond anything ... beyond anything... we are His... we are His.... and all else that I would be pales in comparison.... and all that the enemy would stand within the courts of Heaven to accuse us of is defused by the fact that we have an advocate within that courtroom......

Beyond anything else He could say to me about that picture of the mine... He was lifting up the aspect of His heart and placing Himself between me and the assault... Exclaiming to our enemy whose I truly was... that I was His... and that He was taking all of this personally......

I am His .. I am His daughter... it is extremely personal to Him... His affection.. His adoration.. His heart ... It is ravished by us... The Creator of all positioned Himself to be moved by that which He created... While my soul and the enemy of it can tear myself apart... He comes and stands in between the lies and that assault and simply and profoundly declares identity... declares to me to remember ... declares to his enemy to remember.... It is finished.. She is mine......

That..... I can do

What can one say He is the most amazing of Fathers....

He stepped into the room and yet I couldn't meet His gaze.... I whispered, "I can't do this.... Truly I can't ."  he walked over to me and placed a hand on my shoulder and I knew before He spoke the words that there was something He wanted to show me...

As I stood to my feet and we walked together He reminded me of a dream I once had so very many years ago.... The dream was of a large white pillar that soared up to the heights and at the top of the pillar was a platform and upon the platform was a white ceramic tub.... The tub took up most of the platform and only left a slight edge around it.... There was no railing upon the platform ...  I knew I was to climb that tower and stand on the platform .... I knew that it would sway and I knew it would bend but I knew it would be alright ... I knew I would be alright.... I remember knowing in the dream that all would be alright .....

We walked together and than I don't know where we were but there the tower was standing in front of me... And to my side was a high wire.... 
Again I couldn't meet His gaze.... 

Then came words and as He spoke I did lift my gaze and as tears streamed down my face our eyes met.....  " Experience has opened your eyes .... No longer is there a naïveté concerning the cost.... "

My heart faltered.... "I don't know... I really don't know..." and I swallowed hard.....  

There were so many words I wanted to say to Him .... I had come face to face with issues of cost and doubted my capacity to truly place my hands back upon the proverbial plow....  I had touched it here and there but what was now being asked was for me to grab ahold and not look back ....  But cost is a huge factor in making decisions and I was afraid and torn...

I was.... No courage ... No boldness ... Just a very solemn knowing of what was being asked .... He had given His life how could I not give mine ... It was all I felt my life to be and yet so much doubt and so many questions raged in my heart and my mind...

He wasn't present to condemn or show disappointment .... He didn't come to my side to reprimand or discipline.... He came to sit and sit quietly side by side we did....... Hours passed as though they were mere seconds.... His beautiful, strong presence sitting next to my bewildered and freaked out frame....  At one point I simply leaned over and allowed all my weight to shift and as I took a deep breath I slid even closer in and towards Him.....

There was no ship sailing... There was no this door is only open for these few seconds and no demand upon me to make any decision...... Just a Father loving His daughter ..... Just a Father bringing quiet reassurances of His grace ...

It ceased even being about choices and as we just sat it dawned on me.... It truly somewhere had ceased being about one decision.... His love had dispelled fear and I realized nothing was about service.... I saw on a whole new level... The question... The only question He was asking was would I be His? Surrounded by Him and His love He had quieted me to the place where I could hear the song in His heart.... He was only after me being His daughter and I had made it about everything else...

The air filled with the most amazing of aromas as my eyes flew wide open and my heart exploded into a warmth that I know not the words to explain.. 

Could I  daily look to Him and see what He was doing? Could I live in the freedom to do or not do as He did ? Could I live within His arms of love and live my life openly bearing my heart to Him and those He would have me keep it open to? Could I trust Him?

Then I was just back laying on a bed putting a child to sleep.....  And a smile was upon my face and a contentment filled my soul... Once again He had reminded me of that which mattered .... He and I (period) 

In the dream it was alright because the end of it all isn't that which is done or not done... It is about a Father loving a daughter that even the highest of heights or most precarious situations aren't any more because the story is simply of a Father loving His daughter and a Son waiting for His bride.... That I can do... That I can do

A Different Kind of War

There is one that says "I tell you the truth."
There is one that is called the father of lies....
There is one that says "I am the way, the truth and the life..."
There is one whose path only leads to death and destruction...


At some point during the opening scenes of Saving Private Ryan I had to bow my head and cover my eyes and ears ... I wanted it to end.... Veterans who were there will say the only thing missing from those scenes are the smells.....

I have thanked the Lord time and time again that our children are being raised thus far in a land that doesn't know of war on her soil..... not in their lifetime minus September 11, 2001. I can't even fathom what it must be like for moms who put their kids on a bus to go to school to have to wonder will the bus make it to school, will the school be bombed, will the kids be shot.... I can't imagine what it is like for mothers to watch as their children face the day in and day out consequences of war.....

I don't know how to move on from here... so I pause... I sit ... and I pause..... my hesitation comes from not wanting to be careless with that reality that real people face day in and day out.... my hesitation arises because I do not want to haphazardly make any analogy that would lessen one iota their pain and their struggle.... however I feel that in my pause and in my hesitation I still must journey into the words that surround me....

My eyes have seen real battlefields and the carnage left upon them... my eyes have been laid upon men and women and children who carry with them the scars of another and different war..... There is so much more to the unseen world than that which must of us even acknowledge however the reality of these places exists in a much more permanent way than anything that surrounds....

There are weapons at our disposal that I have not wielded well but truly long to do so .... While we are told that the truth of God is sharper than any two edged sword able to bring about incredible victories in the spirit.... there is a weapon in our arsenal that we haven't even begun to fully understand or walk in... It is love.... it is not loving our own lives to the point of death that we would lay them down for another... for a friend, a stranger, even one that would be considered an enemy.......
Love is some truly crazy substance..... it changes all that it comes in contact with.... it opens up doors that not even truth can.... and it leaves its markings and it brings forth life..... it resuscitates... it brings forth courage.... it lightens the weights upon the soul..... love covers.... love hopes... love believes... love remains.....

While hope and faith send the enemy screaming.... love brings him to his knees...... there is a force ... there is a wall.... it is called unity... and our enemy rages and we play our parts because he knows and we are ignorant of its power .....

I want to let go of the mini- kingdoms that so thrive within our communities and attack and consume the very ones that should be standing arm to arm... I want to grab a hold of my Father's ways and His Kingdom that knows no end.... there is only one enemy.... he and his are not of flesh and blood... so all that are ... well they are not my enemy....

Learning His Ways

Eyes closed.. fingers upon keys.. ah familiar ground amidst times that seem shaken... all that will be shaken will be shaken and these times find a shifting of my inner being as He settles things deep within me..... in quiet refuge I have sought after Him and walked the moments of a day ..... There is me... There is Him.... Eye to eye and being to being.... hand in hand.... eyes locked.... my steps faltering His forever strong.... He has no variation and His shadow remains constant and firm.... and within that shadow have I sought out a place of refuge...

There's a song that's inside of my soul.
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold.
But you sing to me over and over and over again.

So, I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.

Sing to me the song of the stars.
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again.
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I know now, you're my only hope.

I give you my destiny.
I'm giving you all of me.
I want your symphony, singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs, I'm giving it back.

So I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours
I pray, to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope.

I have no answers other than Christ.... any strength... any wisdom... any sight... anything good... comes from Him .....

This song... well, this song and the words within are that which fills my soul.... He sings to me... and all is put right.... all I can say is listen for His song... it rests upon the winds of the air and lingers in the places right by the ear of your heart..... The cry of this heart... within this body... is that I would be only His.... Today I have laid my head upon His chest and as tears streamed down my face onto His person... the sounds of His heart played this song teaching me its ways...........................

Mandy Moore Only Hope Lyrics

While the Residue Remains..... Once again I Come Face to Face with How Wrong I Have Been

I think one of the things I most like about myself in these days and times that I walk is my capacity to admit wrong.......... and I was woken up tonight and I could feel like there was something on my left back shoulder blade.... To the point where I went to touch it.... Then I realized what it was as I felt the presence of His words upon my heart.....

I have relished a new strength and a new song that has entered my life within the last few years... it has only grown stronger and sweeter and louder in my ear...... because of that and because of some moments that I have encountered lately I truly felt like even the residue of that which had been my life had been washed away completely.... and while in some ways that is true in other ways I was wrong...........

Nightmares and moments of flashbacks and sounds of yesterdays no longer filter their way into my soul as to lay claim................ however I felt the Lord's heart tonight and in no way .. shape or form ever meant to diminish the work of His grace into my life by any comment I would ever make......

So let me get back to that which bears itself upon my person..... my right hand reached over to touch the top of my left shoulder and as if possible felt a branding there........ as if skin had been affected once upon a time with a hot iron......... and at the same time I felt His words..... and His affections....

I realized that that which I am and who I am to continue to become and who I was ... well, the journey of all of that is who I am...... and while I love the distance from the days gone by to think that they don't still shape me and have their influence would be wrong... and I guess because I so wanted to divorce myself from them I wanted even the residue washed away......

But I learned something about the brand upon my shoulder or the proverbial residues that remains
upon my person and so as not to ever diminish the work of God that flows into my life I learned that they are there to remind now and to the service of God..... As I lay in my bed feeling my back and absorbing that which was being spoken I realized that there are aspects of my nature that the Lord now uses for His good but that where birthed upon paths long forgotten..... and to say that the affects no longer remain would be a lie.......

I don't walk broken and shattered but there are the scars that remain... healed... and faded but they are there ....... they are within the very fabric of who I am... the way I see things, the way I experience life, the value I place upon community and people.... my passions... my hopes... my dreams... my thoughts....

To say that the residue had even been washed away is to say that for the most part the ill effects are gone... but even in that when the graces that surround me lift or I am tired... or its been a long day.... or any multiple wording of life and what it holds thrusts its weight towards me I falter and watch as fear and insecurity and questions find their way into my soul...... I guess what I say is that even upon that terrain I am amazed that I stand... and ever so appreciative that even amidst the normalcy of life and this world He has added strength into my bones and the capacity to not just have found my legs to walk but to truly live....

To say that there is no residue left is the equivalent to saying there weren't dry bones... and just out of a desire to have it be so doesn't make it so..... instead I realize that under the gaze of a most loving Father I can walk... upon what is and has been my life I journey..... and while the residue remains it services me well..... a tenacity and compassion pulsate within the fabric of who I am because I wear the residue ........... only through His grace do I stand... only through His grace is my life not just a pile of bones...

Tonight as I awoke from the lie that my heart had wanted to hold onto..... as I received His truth into my inner most parts.... as I wrote this piece.... Came the words.... came the beckoning of my Father.... Come, breath, from the four winds and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’ ...... that they may live... that others can glean from whatever I have to offer.... so that the Father can have a living army ...... that is also why the residue remains... may I wear it well...........

There is much upon my heart this evening and as I have tried to get it out I have faltered..  At the end of this day there is a fatigue within my bones that causes me to think of putting writing this until another time ...


Than a voice so beautiful and familiar speaks.....  and a desire upon His heart for me to write this from a place of weakness is spoken forth...  While helping me to grasp that idea there is not an accompanying presence bringing strength nor more of a capacity to do that which I feel pressing to be done...


... A friend once said fatigue makes cowards of us all and as I try to get through the writing of this I have faltered and erased and tried to write only to falter and erase again...


It isn't about in our weakness He is strong... While that being true  it is about our weakness.... Our humanity ......  
No matter who it is or what anyone does beyond title or profession there is a person .... The common factor ... The common denominator is our humanity and in that there is an aspect to life and living where we can acknowledge those things that we all hold within our hearts.... 


Hopes and dreams ..... Silent prayers for happinesses of all sorts.. There is upon humanity the same hungers and same thirsts..... Regardless of station or position ... Race or nationality.... There are aspects to life and living we all share...


May we be empowered to truly see each other and recognize those things that make us more like one another .... We are more alike than we are different.....


May we offer up love and affection.... Kindness and generosity.... We are all so much more connected in reality than what we have lived out in meager understanding.... 


We want the works of God to break out upon the terrains of our lives and our churches may we more fully embrace Isaiah 58.... And spend ourselves on behalf of others so that the light breaks forth like the dawn...


We can't remain comfortable while those sitting in the pews next to us silently suffer or those in the streets starve off the scraps we are willing to give.... When one is weak we are all weak.... When one us strong we all get to share in that strength ..... 

We are all more connected ... There is one body.... One Bride.... One... 



 

Hunger and Thirst

It is a beautiful thing to have hunger and thirst satisfied by the Father...  I've been learning how to  ask for things of life not just good things .... Posted early this morning a short chat I shared on the subject...

Check out walkingthepassage.posterous.com

Getting the Cake and Eating it too

There is nothing that changes the course of any given day like glimpses of You.... There is a strength and nourishment to the soul that comes when attributes of Heaven shine forth....  


Tonight I am once again so amazed and stunned....my breath taken away.... As I contemplate His incredible works .... 


He is completely magnificent .... Able to do far more than we could ask or imagine... While hands of darkness can tear down a life they are NO match for what the Creator's hands can do... I simply stand in awe this evening at such a great and beautiful God.....


I can't comprehend that which it cost Him...  Trading His life for ours....  But tonight I'm so moved by this ... I was a prisoner and He set me free ... He set me free ... And I get to live...  


Just recently I sat in a holy place... Truly a place that the ground had been set aside ... Getting to witness such a moment for me there are not the words... But as I watched and listened I felt surrounded by the reality of what He has done in my life...  And I was brought to a place of realization of how fundamentally different I am because of His touch...


Two things have happened since that moment that have shown me that these days do stand as alter building days... Days so redemptive that I'm brought to my knees and filled with such gratitude....


I was asked a question regarding something I had the privilege of listening to.... I was asked how it had landed upon my soul and as I answered I came even more alive as I felt life coursing through my body for while I would never say that there is not more to be touched by healing graces I knew that even the residue of that which had touched me had been washed off and away from my life !  


That not only has a new day dawned but that the sun sits high in the sky and it is bright and warm and that I live within a most marvelous light...... A most magnificent day.....  that the waters of healing have really washed away the affects of what had been a very long dark night .... And there is just a sweetness and beauty to life ... A deep appreciation for this gift... This life .... This air I breath


And while  moments of remembrance and gratitude have just so filled my being this week I was gifted by words .... By a blessing so meaningful to me that it was like I got the cake and was allowed to eat it too....


I couldn't say it enough... Walking within the confines of our Kingdom truly does bring a life and liberty that stands unmatched.....

Alive... Coming Alive More and More Each Day

Pausing to consider how much of a broken record I feel like at times... and as I did I was swamped with doubt .... as I stopped my inner voice I gathered up and leaned in.. and I felt the Father's affections burn even hotter upon my back... "Tell them about the rainbows.... tell them ... tell them about our walks...."

Somethings are so personal... so intimate that I try and use words to convey around the actual experiences at times without saying everything.... as a husband and wife have obvious moments that are just between the pair of them and even good friends share a bond that at times includes special inside understanding.... so too is our relationship with God...

Today is different... today I feel nudged ever so gently towards another cliff... there are things I share without saying that which I see at the moment... there are words I put together in an attempt to express the affections of the Father or Christ or Spirit...

and yet these moments I find my fingers faltering and halting and my heart pounding and my mind screaming... However I also know that that which surrounds me overcomes all of that and the choice lies at my feet...

How do I express that as I come to write all else disappears and a solid white lighted substance surrounds my hands and covers them as would lotion... how do I convey that the affections of the Father are painted out and poured out and displayed upon the surroundings...

and than as I write and risk there He is again .. stepping in and leading the way...

oh if I could encourage you in anything it would be to take the risks and the jumps that He wants ... walk into the places that He beacons you to venture... step .. take steps because when you leap off cliffs into the unknown you silence the voices of fear that tell you not to go there and instead of fear having its victory the Father displays the most magnificent of nets and catches you in the most marvelous of ways...

JUMP ...

LEAP...

RISK...

All that I am trying to convey is liken to the scene in Hook when Robin Williams character sits at a table and does not see food.... doesn't see anything matter of fact... the bowls and plates are empty.. empty... as can be some of the aspects of our lives.. filled with emptiness... filled with longing... filled with nothing but doubt and fear.. loneliness and turmoil... . nothingness... that is what I settled for for far too long ..

unfortunately I think you all know that which I am speaking about... but in a moment of not even realizing what he is about to do .. Robin Williams' character dips his spoon into a bowl and goes to fling food into one of the lost boys faces...... as he does that one action without sight.. without anything to tell him that there is something actually in that bowl ..... He opens up a whole new world... a whole new world... a whole new world...

There IS food on the table... there is food in the bowls... THERE IS FOOD ON THE TABLE

There is a Father who stands beside you daily pouring out His affections upon you.. There are aspects of the Kingdom that surround you and give off their strength to you.. There are aspects of light and hope and faith that course through the atmosphere that linger there for you to grab a hold of... courage.. boldness... joy.... it is all there... it is all available... it is all there for you to reach out and while not seeing it at first grab a hold of it and COME ALIVE.... Come alive into the reality of your ambassadorial existence!!

I implore you... I intercede for you... grab a hold of the unseen realities that surround you all the time and you will jump and leap into a life that you have only ever dreamed of .. and imagined possible....

So the rainbow... The story the Father wanted me to share... this is it...

I was lonely one afternoon.. horribly so... loneliness abounds in my life at times... I think of it as Paul must of thought about that thorn... it comes in waves and grabs a hold of my soul in such a torturous way sometimes that it steals the very breath out of me .. I know that it is being used as a training ground but even with that understanding it does not bring comfort...

So this day.. I was driving and at a traffic light I closed my eyes for a moment to try and obtain some peace.... the Father was abundantly present and saturating my soul with His affections.... than as I drove it was like a hand crossed the sky .. His hand and upon it was painted a rainbow... a bright beautiful blue crisp clear sky had a rainbow... and the representation of the covenant of peace between God and mankind resounded in the sky and yet He wasn't done....

it was like He was saying to me as His daughter that there is nothing He wouldn't do .. and again came the hand and again another rainbow.. and it was there... Nothing He wouldn't do... doubly so... all I desire are His affections... I don't know how else He will desire to flow through me.. I don't know if I will ever see physical healings or miracles or whatever else He likes to do.. although I know them to be coming...

But beyond anything He would ever pour through me... I hunger and thirst for Him more than anything I could express... and I must say not only am I filled time after time after time.. but I am alive and full of His affections ... Fathered in a way I always hungered for ... the object of His affections.. my eyes open to that which surrounds me... and grants me boldness....

I encourage you.. dip your spoon in the empty bowl and when taking it out see that which flies forth.............

Alter Yourself NO More

Obviously I don't know all where my journey will take me... but I'll tell you this... I like this journey more and more.... and the reasoning behind that growing affection is that I am living more and more as I would live .... more and more as I picture my truest self to be....


I was one who suffered and was paralyzed under the emotion of fear... fear of failure... fear of man... fear of pain.. rejection, etc... the list could go on and on .... fear altered who I was... instead of being bold and free I was timid and afraid.... instead of being willing to risk and walk with God and be pulled into His ways and not the ways of man or even the ways of the current status quo within the church culture I cautiously measured out the expression of who I knew myself to be...........


Now... now I just go with it... and the more I go with it the more I see "me" emerge...... and I don't know how to express this feeling except to say it is glorious............ and the freedom that courses through my body fills my soul with a solid joy that just reverberates and causes me to embrace that which I am all the more......

The world needs the expression of you that God always intended for you to be.... and yet life and the reality of our enemy try to chip away at that expression... tonight I come to prayer for you... those of you I know and those I don't... Alter yourself no more.. not ever for me ... not ever for any man, woman, organization etc etc.... In being the you that you were always meant to be you embrace the magnificence of God that He placed in you when He knit you together..... and formed and fashioned you.... don't let anything steal that from those around you... more importantly don't let anyone steal that from you...... You are a creature created in the image of God....


I love this quote from Nelson Mandela

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?"
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightening about shrinking
so that others won't feel unsure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in every one.
As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

.. it permanently resides upon the side bar of this blog.... To serve as a reminder that playing it small doesn't benefit anybody... but risking and living.. and jumping and dancing... and leaping... into all that you were always meant to be releases energy and beauty into the atmosphere.... it releases courage and it bursts into the darkness as a stunning display of all the colors of the clearest rainbow and brings forth the purest of white and bright lights .. it is such an incredible sight... to see the joy of the Lord and His exuberance displayed as one of His very own walks in all that any one moment could possibly contain... to know what the Lord is doing and than to do it in the way that He is doing it brings a joy so deep into the Father's heart that it spills over and acts as a tsunami in the spirit...........


It is a marvelous sight to behold a child of God lifting his or her head and standing still and strong within all God's intentions for the moment.... breath in those moments in your life and be catapulted into a journey.. wondrous and full of adventure.... while the destinations might not always be known and the predictability factors might slip through your fingers more often than not... I tell you this from my own experience... no matter what the days will entail ... You will love them all the more for they will be authentically you.....

Alter yourself no more... we need you...............

No Excuses... I Was Wrong... I Committed Murder.... Touching Hot Topics in the Hope to Bring Hope and Restoration

Tonight I have been going through a folder of papers and pieces that I have written... tying them all together into a book that has both naturally been encouraged and prophetically spoken over.. but as I did I found some papers ... a piece that I wrote about our son Josiah.... He does not walk the Earth with us.... He would have been our first son.... before the others... before the miscarriages.... before them all ... Jim and I would have had a son and his name would have been Josiah.....

I called Jim to my side and asked him to read that which I had written years ago... a piece I had tucked away not yet ready to share..... But you see there is a season to break open old truths and share hearts as to be an avenue for which redemptive power can flow.....

Our pastor has begun a series called Taboo and I find it truly interesting that this piece of paper would rear its head and with Jim's permission I write the rest of this piece


In light of the last four blog posts... you have an inclination of where I walked... a view point of a broken mind... and even though salvation brought forth immediate healing and joy there would be many roads that would need to be walked upon....

I devote and dedicate this next part of this blog to my husband who never left my side though I left his and who fought for our life so that we could walk where we walk today.....

I miss you Josiah... and I long for the day when I can see you face to face forever...

I couldn't handle being married... being pregnant... I separated from Jim and committed a great atrocity.........

This is that which I wrote...................................................

There are things in life that are dark. Regrets shrouded in shame. Moments that can't be ignored or changed. How often have I written about looking back and remembering days that I would rather leave alone... If there was a moment I would change... well, there would be many but this one... this one would be the one that I would pick... There isn't a day I don't think about him and wondered what if... There isn't a day I wish I chosen differently...

(I wrote this next part in red... for these were the words I felt that the Lord spoke over me while I wrote this piece.... to explain part of it.... and this might really baffle any idea of Christ you might have... but truly if you know Him you know that He walked among sinners in desperate need of a healer King... during an abortion procedure I experienced the sight of Christ so clearly that I was astonished that the doctor and the nurses didn't get saved... His mercy ever so present as to protect my broken heart and mind from that which I was doing.. He wasn't there to condemn... . just a loving Savior )

These were the words I felt Christ spoke to me when I originally wrote this piece....

"You remember I stood next to you. I stood by your side.. and took your right hand... Your astonishment that I would be there was apparent. But I am who I am and there was no other place that I would have been. One of my hands on your heart.. one holding yours.. sheltering you with my love and declaring by my presence that darkness would not lay a hold of this moment and that death would not have the final word..... and then it was finished.... and I wrapped him in my arms of love and brought him home with me so that he could be where I was... for I had prepared a place for him.. for in My Father's house are many rooms and if it were not so I would have told you... I prepared a place for him so that he could be where I am and I will come again and will take you to myself ... that where he lives.. you may be also."

Jim and I would get back together and begin to try and pick up all the pieces.... at one point a grandmother of his past away... and at the funeral we both had the same experience...

after the funeral we got back into the car and I turned to Jim and I said, "Josiah, finally has a grandmother's hand to hold..." and Jim looked shocked as he said too... "You saw it as well..." During the funeral we both independently saw a picture of Josiah and Jim's grandmother looking over the funeral service and they were holding hands.....

This was also that which the Lord spoke to me when I originally wrote this piece...

" It was I, who on the day that I brought to me one of my very own... opened up a door of sight for you..... I caused you to look up and see the child holding the hand of great grandmother. On days when you have questioned who you are as a mother it was I that drew his attention to you... to speak to you.. and appear before you and to say to you from his heart that you are a very good mother... ( I have had moments where Josiah has come to me... there is more to the great cloud of witnesses than that which we understand... I won't go into theology here but those experiences were not of a ghost but of the child .. and God let him be seen by me... )

I could have spoken it directly to you... but coming from him I knew you would receive it into the deepest parts of you... and it was I who opened up the door so that you could stand before me together lifting up your voices in worship... (I have had this experience where the four children we miscarried and Josiah surrounded me during a worship service and as I sobbed and worshiped we all worshiped together)... and there will be a time where no time and no distance separates you ever again..."

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I think of her standing before you and a screaming mob... I think of how you bent down and wrote in the sand... how you disarmed those that would condemn her by bringing to their attention the fact that they too stood to be condemned....

I long to live within Your nature and to carry that torch of life and love and the victory of Your death... How often I get it wrong... but Your forgiveness carries me ten thousand miles and beyond ... to the day when I will with all of those before me kneel and bow and declare that Your name is higher than every name .... Jesus Christ You are my Lord... and I am so ever grateful for that fact.............

Way Before the Hundred Days Were Even a Thought .... Part 1

I come to this task for many different reasons and I don't even pretend to think that I know what all of them are..... But I come to this task because there is a life that is pulsating in my heart that screams out for the freedom for others... for others to know the palpable, incredible, magnificent love of Christ.... and to have their lives transformed within that love.....

I have journeyed with the Lover of my soul for almost two decades and journey upon journey He has brought me to places I would have never dreamed of...... places of freedom and joy and love that have utterly changed my life..... At times He as stepped in upon the landscapes of my life and brought to bear His passions for me all by Himself and at times He has used the sweet Body of Christ to display His love and affections through.....

I have been richly blessed and there has been much poured into my life and to whom much is given much is required.... and this... my honest sincere attempt at exploring the walking of the Lord within the passageways of my life is one thing that I do believe He is requiring of me..... My promise is that I will be open and transparent and vulnerable to the place where it hurts because I truly believe by doing so the freedom that courses through my veins will leap out and affect those whose paths come across my story.......


Before The Hundred Days Were Even a Thought..... Part One

There aren't many things that could be said about my childhood.... well, there are but I rather use pictures and illustrations to speak of those years than recount the horrors that they hold... I would rather tell you that as a result of those years I was left a shattered human being with little to no capacity to feel remorse... with no real conscience to speak of...... living alone within the hallways of my mind and heart with a tormented soul......

As any creature will do for the sake of survival I developed ways to cope and continued through a vapor like existence through lies and manipulation..... I once wrote the beginning of my story through the eyes of a former college roommate .. the first individual who I ever spoke any aspect of truth to......

"The people who are walking in darkness Have seen a great light, Dwellers in a land of death - shade, Light hath shone upon them." Isaiah 9 : 2 Young's Literal

I don't know even how to start. What to say. What not to say. How to tell a story that was and is my life. I can think back but it is foggy. I was alive but I wasn't. I dwelled in a land of death and chaos. But Light came and changed all that...........................

"No, they aren't my parents." She said " My parents are dead." She stared at the two people who she had known all her life as mom and dad. Her mind blank. Looking at them as if through the eyes of a movie that was playing out before her. She was alive. She was breathing. Yet reality was far from her and her life more of a vapor.. This story is hard to write. But it is her story. A story that I came across and one that has taken a hold of me and will not let me put it to rest. So tell it I must.

I met her at university. She was crazy. She lived in a world of her own making. Between lies and imagination. Maybe just escapism. It was either she was dying of cancer or walking down the middle of the road completely intoxicated. I would watch her as she followed her impulses. She could be in the middle of telling a story (and by story I mean complete fabrication) of something she did or something that happened to her, and tell it as if she believed it to be true. Even when confronted with the truth she would stick with her lie as though it were a part of her. I think I share this story because I think there are a lot more people like her or maybe more like me and maybe we all need a roadmap of some sort to help us along the way.

I remember the first time I met her. She had this way about her. Drew people into her whirlwind. Some of us crashed and burned alongside her. Others left just not willing to take in the insanity. And I, well I watched. We met at orientation. She was a few days late to Freshman year coming off of a prior commitment at a Summer stock theatre. She fell into the scene. And I mean fell. Wild. Absolutely wild. Stirred up chaos wherever she went. I think she thought life was a game or a play and the rules.... well, what rules of life? And if there were some they didn't really apply to her. Or maybe she just didn't think through things. I actually came to believe that she truly just lived in an unconnected reality not fully capable of attaching to life and the human existence. She was sometimes amusing to watch at other times just embarrassing. But watch I did.

Then the day came when the administration at the school had had its full. Maybe it was that she (on a dare) had in broad daylight taken off all her clothes and (as she put it) sauntered across the main quad. " But I'm in the best shape of my life." She had said. "Why not?" Or maybe it was that she had accused one of the university's football stars of going too far (too much had already happened for anyone to believe her... sadly even I couldn't tell the difference between what could be true and what she created to be true.), or maybe it was the drinking and partying, maybe it was that the dean had just gotten tired of hearing her name pass before his desk. So having been given the option to stay under a very stick curfew or go home. She chose home.

The night before she was to leave I asked her the question I had been longing to ask since the day I met her................ "Why do you act this way?" She looked at me. We were sitting in my dorm room. I can picture the whole scene as if it were only yesterday. The white concrete brick walls that were cold to my skin. The crazy thin mattress on the bed that was more like a cot than anything. The completely typical durable wooden furniture that probably fills every dorm room across the US.

My books.

My stuff.

And her.

Sitting on my bed. Legs bent to her chest. Sitting there holding her knees. Her eyes looking at me. Penetrating my very soul. She just looked at me for what felt like hours. Staring through me. She was definitely in some other place. At least her mind was. Traveling back in time. Back through the days and times. Back to the truth she had spent so much time getting away from. I realized after the words came out of my mouth, that maybe it was unfair. Maybe that question had been wrong to ask and maybe mere curiosity wasn't enough to make someone have to think upon events they had tried so hard to forget. But the words were out. The question lingering in the air. And yet she still looked at me. Through me more like it.

I just sat there. Sitting on one of those college dorm room "beds." (If they can be called that) Across from me she sat. Was I a caged animal that I couldn't get up? I couldn't get up and leave. Couldn't leave my skin, who I was, my life. I couldn't. "Why do you act this way?" Was her question. Had it been so easy for her to ask? Did she realize what the events were? Those things that had created me, a mere vapor, of a human being. So unattached to people and reality. How did other people do it? How did other people string together days and months and years? How did other people live? How did other people care? Or take in reality? How did other people stay connected and focused?

I never really thought through anything that happened. Consequences of my actions. What are those? Ugh. How did other people live life and not just escape to some made up fantasy world that exists in imaginations like mine? What are people? What is this life? What am I supposed to be? Did I always know when I was lying? Yes. Did I ever care? Nope. Did I ever mean to hurt anyone? No, I really didn't. But I also didn't care if I was hurt. Or I had just gotten to the place where so much pain existed anyway that the reality of day to day existence didn't exist. I just plain didn't think. Incapable? Maybe? More like just not part of the human experience as the majority of the population knows it to be.

So that question. "Why do I act this way?" Wow! Did it hang in the air..... I vanished. Got lost back into days past. Ones that had been fought over to be forgotten. Living back the moments. Were they the reason I was who I was? Had all those things created me? Had I learned so well to escape into my mind. Was there nothing real about me but my body?

Minutes past.

I watched her.

Wondering what were her thoughts.

Then it came......................

A story.

Not a story like the ones I had come to know or expect from her.

But the truth.

All I could think was....... "Would I even be alive if I had lived in her shoes?" As I watched her tell her story, (for the first time in her life), as I saw her relive moments she had fought to forget. Run away from. Or simply ignore. I saw a strength that had carried her to the moment we were in....... and I hoped that it would continue to carry her ..... For I knew she had long way home.

It would be a long journey home and many roads would be traveled before arriving at a place of peace but that journey now holds within its paths the ground and foundation of all I stand upon.... The darkness that had crept into my life was going to be violently washed away by the brightest of Morning Stars.....

I don't share specifics of moments because of fear or regard to self.... I don't share the specifics more because you have your own..... the grooves within your backs of emotional and psychological abuse... the welts of isolation and neglect and fear and punishment..... the mind boggling way one human being could actually treat another human being ...The way another could just not even have any regard for a body... forget a soul, a heart, or the spirit within.....

Well, that was you my dearest sojourner.... different ways and different voices and different memories exist but there are things within the halls of the past part of all our lives that we would love to just go away and never rear their ugly heads... but they don't ever really go away until you walk through those hallways with a determination that all that exists there will not have the victory but will instead be the ground for His victory within your life.......

Part 2

Before The Hundred Days Were Even A Thought.... Part Two

I remember the night I sat in a dorm room in a university in a city in a state in what seems like another life time ago.... and as I sat I listened... I listened to her. I had asked what I thought was a simple enough question and yet the answer that kept spilling out of her was nothing simple......


Hands had touched her very soul and scattered the pieces to the winds.... it was as if my question uncorked a bottle within her and all that she had ever wanted to say kept flowing out of her as if she were incapable of stopping now that she had begun.... I heard her voice and yet it seemed as if it was from some far off place ... and I saw her eyes yet they looked like they were all together seeing something so different then the room we were in.... and in this place that brought forth the yesterdays into the todays I found my role as the listener and the listener I was.........


When she was done she was quiet for the longest of times and we sat there and sat there and sat there.... She closed her eyes as she sat and her body shook and I longed to hold her as she appeared to me to be nothing more than a trapped caged animal..... So small... so frail... I wondered if the wind would bring back all the pieces .. I wondered if the cage would ever open... I wondered if the animal would ever walk as a human.....


Those moments that she shared with me will forever be branded upon me and I will remember her story for all the days of my life..... and yet I wonder who she is.. if she still lives.... if the wind brought back all the pieces.....

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The Wind would bring back all the pieces..... seasons would come and seasons would go but the intentions that God always had for my life would see their day............ But not before many other hurtful days would live their hours upon the clock of my life....

It is so beyond the scope of the imagination all that transpired. To think upon it now even has me think it is too fantastical to have been real life. But real life it was. Who was I even that I could have done what I did and yet it is a chapter in my life.....

The night was dark. The cold February wind pushed against me as I walked through the field. From where I had parked the car I could see a church off in the distance. Was that the answer? I found myself wondering through Lancaster, PA on my way to a new life. My mind was both blank and racing with a million thoughts. So much had transpired within the last 24 hours.

"You have lied to us all." My mom had said as she had come to pick me up from college. (My second attempt at a higher education) "We are going to get to the bottom of this. On Monday morning we are all going to meet and discuss all that has happened." All I could think was that there was nothing in me that could face that and I began to think of taking my life.

Again I had gotten myself into a situation too massive for me to walk through. I had lied to everyone about everything.... Made up tons of stories. Not even really knowing why. Was it that I thought I had to create a different life then mine so that people would be in it? Was it that my mind was so broken and incapable of living a "real" life? I didn't know at that moment. All I knew was that there was no way in hell that I was going to be around for that meeting on Monday. So suicide was the ultimate way I knew to guarantee myself of that fact. Other failed attempts flashed through my mind.

I remembered being thirteen and thinking I was pregnant. Terrified. For the "father" wasn't a boyfriend. Wasn't a friend. Wasn't somebody that sex should have ever happened with. But had filled my life from very early childhood and had left it's markers upon my soul..... How could I ever explain to my parents? I felt like I had ruined everyone's lives. In a dark room I sat on my floor and cried. My grandmother had walked in and questioned me on what was going on. The only words I could get out was that mom was the best mom and I didn't want to hurt her. Terrified I would ruin my family.... So funny how perspective changes as I look back. Those words were out of my mouth. There was no comfort. No turning on the lights and addressing what I just had said. So typical. Isolation and loneliness had befriended me early and were my best friends. The least of my enemies.

I sat there. Thinking there was no way to face the possibility. The next day I swallowed a full bottle of pills. Had attempted to go out with my mom however the ill effects of taking so much started in and I began to get sick. We turned around and I was dropped off at the house. I went to lay down on my mother's bed. Thinking that was the most appropriate place to be found dead. The phone rang. It was an aunt who lived right around the corner. Answering the phone I explained that my mom was out and that I wasn't feeling well. The level of concern in her voice was foreign to me. I wonder to this day if something had hit her in her gut and she knew. She told me to take it easy and that she would call periodically to check in on me. I would feel myself slipping away and each time the phone would ring. It was her. Checking on me. I felt so ill. So sick. My body racked with pain. And yet her voice would woo me back from oblivion. I didn't die that day nor was I pregnant and forward through my life I traveled.

How reckless I had been so many times hoping for the end to come. And yet it didn't. This time had to be different. But could I do it? Fully go through with ending it all. And yet the prospect of going back to life on Monday felt completely unattainable.

A whisper floated through the air. Caught my ear and my attention.

Run away.

My life had never made sense to me. I had always felt out of place. Between the things people don't ever speak about that happen in so many lives and just never feeling like I ever measured up I felt lost and out of place. Something simpler. My life seemed so complicated. Granted most of that was of my making. (Well, I need to own my part anyway)

Instead of just lying about my life I was going to enter into one of my lies and play it out. ( Not that I thought that consciously back then but that is what happened) There was no thought of consequence. No thought of repercussions . Actually I thought that everyone's lives would be better if I disappeared. Disappeared for good. So I began to think it through. I can't honestly say think is the right word. That would imply sanity. Or maybe it doesn't. (That is why this part of my life is so crazy to have to write -- because looking back it all seems so insane but then .. back then ... who I was... it was survival)
I would take the car. Where did I want to go? Now please get a good laugh at this... not as an offense to these people but more as a "really," "really." I wanted to join the Amish. Their lives seemed to make the most sense to me. I wouldn't just run away from me, my life, my family.... I would run away from the world. The world as I knew it. And so that is what I did..........................................

I headed towards the church. Across a six lane highway and into a field. Focused on the white cross that was lit up by the moon. ( I had thrown away my keys, my wallet, my license.... anything that could identify me.) Towards the church I walked. I had this feeling deep inside that knowing the next day was Sunday people would come.... people would come and it would all be ok. What? I had no clue. Nor would I find out. For as I sat huddled against the wall and the concrete steps I could not manage the cold February evening. I had to get up. I began walking again. Dazed.

"What is that?" A man's voice came as the car door was opened. I had found my way onto a dirt road. A minute or so earlier I had heard a car coming. Here was my one opportunity, I could see, to get out of the cold. I had pretended to fall. The car had stopped. A man had gotten out. Started asking me questions. Was I ok? Who was I? I stared at him. Blank. No words. Nothing. I was so far gone. He and a friend of his got me into the car. I just sat there as they discussed which hospital to take me to. Having come to a decision the driver then spoke to the guy in the passenger seat, "When we get there." He said. "You stay with her...... because if you don't." Pointing back to the guy sitting next to me. "He'll hurt her." I couldn't even think at that point. So drained from all that had transpired. So dazed. But to the hospital they took me.

At one point orderlies came out and brought me into the waiting area. I sat there. Mouth shut. I did know who I was.... well, I knew who I didn't want to be.... but had no idea how I was going to navigate through all that I was faced with.

As I pushed back my life..... as I mentally walked away from everything. (As I had so often done before .. this time on a whole other level) I found a voice. And another story/lie came forth. I pretended to have been raised in the environment that I wanted to head to.... I pretended to have never known the outside modern world or anything about it. I went from the waiting room to the emergency room. Was laid down on a gurney. Examined. Who was this mystery in front of them? What had happened to me? Who was I? Where was I from? Before I knew it there were police questioning me about all sorts of things. Asking me if I was this person or that person. What was my name? Who was I? Where was I from? A nurse was standing over me. On her collar was a pin with a yellow ribbon. It was during the time of the first Persian Gulf War. I told her that it was pretty. She pointed to it and said, "oh this. It is to support the war." Words tumbled out of my mouth as I played the part I imagined. "War. What is war?"

I was being admitted as a "Jane Doe." Right before I was to be moved to a room. A request formed on my lips. "May I see a priest?" Was the question. So weird. But what about this whole thing isn't? Weird? Why? One might ask. Well, the only exposure to anything other than Judaism that I had had was through Little House on the Prairie. But yet out of my mouth it came. The night wasn't over before a man walked into the room. Kindness written all over his face. Gentleness surrounding him. He walked slowly to the bed. Pulled up a chair and sat down. I don't remember anything he said. Yet I picture him perfectly. He sat there a while and before leaving he handed me a wooden cross and a bible, prayed for me and left.

At some point I fell asleep.

The following days were filled with questions and medical testing and my life within the walls of that hospital room felt the safest I had ever experienced...... But as times would have it the events would play out very differently than I hoped for..... when all the medical tests that could be done were exhausted and questions abundantly filled the air I was moved for the medical side of the hospital to the psychiatric side of the hospital and my parents, my past, my life were found

... found through a set of circumstances that unraveled right before my eyes... I tried to continue away from all that had come crashing in... I pretended to tell a room full of professionals that those people that they had found were not my parents and that my parents had in fact died...... but proof was proof and now there was no room to navigate......

Trapped and left alone as my parents were sent home to NJ for a few days (They were told to return while I would stay at the hospital in PA).... so many questions lingered in the air as to what the story behind this mystery was however I was no longer interested in playing any part and I continued to vanish......................... inwardly I journeyed......

To look back upon a moment... the darkest of days that swirled and the winds that roared upon that time.......... fill those memories and yet the most incredible of journeys I was about to embark upon..... glazed over eyes would become filled with life and a heart that had truly never learned to live would step into a life unimaginable.....

I had attempted to run away not just from my life but from the world.... and in so doing ended up in a place where I was to encounter a life I had never even thought possible...... the beginnings of which were about to begin.....

Part 3

Before The Hundred Days Were Even A Thought ......... Part Three

All had fallen apart.... my mind so blank as I sat in a corner in the back hallway of the psychiatric ward............ curled up into a ball just looking out the window... links to my life were coming back tomorrow and there was nothing I could do about it.... there was nothing I could do to escape my body... my life....

The day turned into evening and to another window I would go towards.... I was in my room ... staring out the barred window and looking out onto the street below me I saw the pavement wet from a current rain fall.... the street lamp lighting up the night and illuminating the misty atmosphere............

I don't know what was in my heart at that moment that would cause me to start speaking forth words towards an unknown deity.... but words started to spill out of my mouth..... I began to ask if He was real... I began to say that if He was and if He would come to me than I would give Him everything .... I would give Him my life...... If He would just come to me.... The words weren't out of my mouth when a light and a presence entered that room and surrounded me with a strength and a warmth and a reality so full of beauty and wonder ..... In that moment I knew five things..... I knew there was a God... I knew it had to do about Jesus Christ... I knew it had to do with the bible ... the cross... and that He was going to lead me somewhere that was going to teach me more about all that was happening around me.......

I had met the one who had knit me together in my mother's womb.. I had met the one who had known me before the foundations of the world.... I had met the one who sang over me... who loved me more than words could ever think to describe.... who thousands of years before had loved me and for the joy that was set before Him endured death upon a cross so that that moment could happen.... I had met Jesus and from that moment forward though there would be rough terrains to still walk upon I had grabbed a hold of one who had pursued me relentlessly all the days of my life and we began to walk together.......

Part 4

Before The Hundred Days Were Even A Thought..... Part Four
While there are many stories that could be told that bridge those moments to the ones I walk in now ..... It isn't just the stories of my life's journey that are stirring within me....This story of The Hundred Days is that which is upon my heart and hold within me a hunger and desire to share with you.... my life was as Ezekiel's dry bones.... there were many who would say that these bones of mine, that were my life, would not ever live again.... but amidst those voices there was One who was determined that they would and He was breathing His life into them.....
He was breathing hope... victory... love... life..... He who that night began a good work within me would continue to carry it on unto these days and beyond......

The days that I have journeyed from that time until this have been full of life.... marriage... children... ministry.... the roads I have walked upon from that time until this one have been full of times of sorrow... times of victory... times of healing... times of defeat... times of victory... times of growth... times of love.... there have been many seasons through which He has courted me and pursued me and journeyed alongside of me .... seasons where He has taught me ... ministered to me... flowed through me.... seasons that were dry like the desert... seasons that were full of favor .... seasons that were full of the darkest of nights.......... through all the seasons He has been the constant.... The strength when I was weak.... the light in the darkness.... the hope ... the joy...

Turned Myself In

So interesting the things that dreams stir up.......

So I awoke from a dream where I was turning myself into the authorities and being taken away to jail.... 

Uhm.... Mims that doesn't sound good ... Oh on the contrary .... 

Taking the dream apart .... To be arrested...  Well I like two definitions of that word.... First one states ... Seize, capture... To be taken into custody by authority or law.....

Secondly......  To arrest attention, to catch suddenly and engagingly ....

I willingly place myself into the state if being arrested.... I want all that I am to be taken captive by the Lord's authority.... I want Him to possess my attention and my affections ....

The state of being arrested..... Equals confined rights.... Confined actions.... Limited choice....  I choose that..... I choose Him and His ways.....

Authority.... I value godly authority in my life and I value God's authority in my life....

 He created me.... Does the pot say to the potter mold me and shape me this way or that ... No! It sits on the wheel and allows the pressure of the potter's fingers to create the piece of work that is in the heart and mind of the maker ....

So I've turned my life in ..... This life is not my own to keep... I place myself under the authority of He who is my Lord and King....... Father..... Creator .... I wouldn't have life outside of Him.... I don't want life outside of Him...

I submit to His rule and reign... To the confinement of living in His house...... 

There are other things the dream says but the primary lesson for the heart is 


... We are going to serve something in this life... Whether it be our own interests or the interests of the world or the interests of man or the interests of God ..... 


He may arrest me and my affections any time... I choose Him... I want my affections subject to His authority.... His rule and reign in my life is that which I seek and hunger after.....

A Steel Plate in The Skies..... Versus The Love of God... No Match ... No Match

I had already seen it unroll... It was already before me... above me.. in place ... when I felt the Father's presence gently touch my skin and as if there was a hand to be placed upon my shoulder it was there....

What do you see?

A hard solid piece of steel being stretched across the heavens and being placed between You and I. Between You and the Earth......

As another question came forth I sat there and looked at it for I knew instinctively what it was there for and even with that knowing the question came...

What does it mean?

I understood what He was wanting me to speak... I understood where He was leading me and I began to answer.. "I won't feel You. I won't be able to touch You. I won't be able to tangibly feel the might of Your presence. The softness of Your whisper across my cheek won't be upon me. I won't see that glorious gaze of Yours..... That there are times coming that You will remove Your presence.... "

The words weren't out of my mouth when standing in front of me looking at me straight within my eyes He asked ...

What do you know ?

And without hesitation my answer tumbled out of my mouth..."I know Your goodness.... to the core of all I am ... I know Your love..... I know Your strength and I know Your might and I trust Your nature that You have revealed throughout the ages.... I know that though Your presence be removed You stay the same..... I know that though You might not speak it directly to me this day.. tomorrow... next week... a month... or even longer I know You love me... And I will be love sick for you and long for the day that once again You speak but I will not doubt Your affections... I know that in times to come things will happen in my life and in the lives of those I love... I know that in the times to come things will happen upon the Earth that might cause a multitude to wonder who You are as well as question Your goodness....

I know that though the Earth may tremble and a thousand may fall at my side and ten thousand at my right hand Your goodness will reign for all eternity.... I know that I know that I know Your love and that You never change... You are not a man that You should lie and I will rest in that knowledge though that steel plate reside in the Heavens... even if the Heavens are shut up I will not succumb to doubt (oh please God... let this not be like Peter's declaration... please give the grace to stand... please let me be more like those who followed You to the cross and stood there at Your feet) because You have loved me so very well... Your love has revolutionized my life... and You have branded me with it and forever left me changed.............."

Then as if we stood side by side looking up at that gigantic steel plate in the sky He asked what I thought was His last question.....

Why do I do this?

He had already supplied the answer as He asked the question but yet wanted for me to utter the words back to Him......

You do this to bring Your assurance and to show my heart that it really does know what it knows... that Your love isn't about a momentary experience or feeling or sensation .... Your love is that which has stood solid for all eternity and will continue to do so... Your goodness goes before You and even when it comes in judgment and discipline it is because of Your goodness and nothing less.....

You have wooed me in this season... You have wooed me to know that through whatever comes Your love stands impenetrable... that nothing not even a steel plate placed in the atmosphere above me would ever separate me from Your love..... that there is actually nothing that exists that would or could ever separate me from Your love.... I know this... I know this as if my life depended on it...

What else am I showing You? Why have I showed you this plate?



To know that there are times coming when it be as though the Heavens were sealed with a steal grate..... but to take these times and learn what it means to abide in You... to not look towards the experience of You as the calibration of our relationship but to acknowledge that the truth of our love affair has it's foundations in something so much more solid........

That there is a time and a season to walk into where the grace to be washed by Your love and changed by Your passions is here ... a season where there is an opening to know You and to be known by You and to relish and be changed by Your love....

You are pouring out Your love as liken to Niagara Falls and I am to be washed in that powerful, awesome love... rendered washed ... that the waters of Your love would so fashion me that all else would be washed away...................... Your love is teaching me to stand... having done all I am empowered to stand through Your outpouring of Your magnificent, phenomenal passions for me..........

Wow... who would of thought saying " He is simply a jerk" would change as much as it did

"Really? Really" I was furious.... furious... maybe that doesn't even describe it... tears streamed down my face as I started screaming ... oh my poor friend...

I was in a prison of my own making .... well.. of my own making because I own my choices... no matter what happens in life... truly.. no matter what happens ... our choices are our own... and I had made a series of very bad choices and my heart was quite hard... full of bitterness.. anger.. disillusionment... frustration.. pain... I had closed off avenues of grace and was drowning but didn't even fully realize it....

So my friend had started to ask questions... and vile was just pouring forth out of my mouth... truly I do not lie.... I wasn't checking anything I was saying ... I wasn't restricting myself... I was tired... done... exhausted of putting up any front.... and out of my heart my mouth spoke... doubts about God.. anger towards God... realizing I had walked to far to deny Him... understanding I knew too much to even contemplate whether He was really who He is.... but so full of hurt... too many dreams bashed against rocks ... too many hopes deferred.... my heart was really very sick

So to one of my friend's questions I had answered... "He is simply just a jerk.." speaking of the one who he had asked me about... no it wasn't Jim.... those were other conversations ... that prompted my dear friend to contact another mutual friend who would show up at our house with the cavalry not to long after... :)

I thought I was being generous in my assessment ... I thought I was being kind and good with my words... well, I thought many things... but all of them were wrong....

So out of my mouth the words came... "He is simply just a jerk.." what my poor friend didn't know was that the second those words were out of my mouth the Lord brought to bear a conviction so sudden and so strong that not just the shock of it but the force of it opened my heart and out of it spilled the poison that was killing me.....

Tears started to run down my face as I started to scream at the top of my lungs towards the heavens... "Really... Really... You're going to convict me for simply saying he was a jerk when between You and I ... You know... You know... You know all that happened... You know everything and You're going to convict me.... " Fury... absolute fury... pain... heartache... anger.... rage... tears... it all came

He was right to convict me.... not that I would have seen it in those moments or even beyond them but I do..... I was so wrong.... and He used a moment to expose and break open the rock hard state of my heart..... the poison of unforgiveness and judgment had brought me to a very dangerous path and my heart was dying and yet I was living a veneer ... I was barely breathing ... I was drowning but I was walking proudly forward instead of surrendering and humbling myself and admitting that I needed help... so willing to sit in my assessment of right and wrong...

If I were to pinpoint a most pivotal moment of time it would be that moment.... that moment started a series of events that has led me to sit where I do today..... it brought in repentance and it brought in the cavalry of sorts.... dearest friends rallied around that man's phone call (that I think he made shortly after that car ride) and entered into our life.... and if I look back upon that day in that car to this day sitting at my computer... I stand in awe of all that the Lord has done.....

This was maybe one of the first steps towards the life I live now.... letting go of religion.. even though I wouldn't have said I was religious.. I was operating out of a performance mentality... WHICH by the way only leads to death... one can't perform enough... etc etc etc.. totally another subject... but we will leave it at that....

I left what I thought was the "right" way to walk with God and leapt into the unknown.... left identity in gifting behind.... that is one of the weights that lays on the road somewhere behind me.... left the burden of caring what others would think..... weight after weight fell off as I journeyed forward from that moment to this one....

my life isn't without its complications... the days aren't without their problems... but I am different... He took a heart dangerously close to becoming a stone and made it mush ... and I am glad.... I'll live like a mush any day..... I'm not afraid of being wrong or of making mistakes... I'm not afraid of what I'll look like or all the what ifs that come .... If any concern would reside it would be that I don't ever allow circumstances or situations to bring about a heart of stone within me ever again.....

Life abundant truly comes when we adhere to that which He asks of us.... my favorite passage right now that so fundamentally and basically sums it up... would be found within Colossians 3... I'm stuck there people... simply not a bad place to be stuck....

Here it is again... from the version found in the Message

Colossians 3 (The Message)
Colossians 3
He Is Your Life
1-2 So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that's where the action is. See things from his perspective.
3-4Your old life is dead. Your new life, which is your real life—even though invisible to spectators—is with Christ in God. He is your life. When Christ (your real life, remember) shows up again on this earth, you'll show up, too—the real you, the glorious you. Meanwhile, be content with obscurity, like Christ.
5-8And that means killing off everything connected with that way of death: sexual promiscuity, impurity, lust, doing whatever you feel like whenever you feel like it, and grabbing whatever attracts your fancy. That's a life shaped by things and feelings instead of by God. It's because of this kind of thing that God is about to explode in anger. It wasn't long ago that you were doing all that stuff and not knowing any better. But you know better now, so make sure it's all gone for good: bad temper, irritability, meanness, profanity, dirty talk.
9-11Don't lie to one another. You're done with that old life. It's like a filthy set of ill-fitting clothes you've stripped off and put in the fire. Now you're dressed in a new wardrobe. Every item of your new way of life is custom-made by the Creator, with his label on it. All the old fashions are now obsolete. Words like Jewish and non-Jewish, religious and irreligious, insider and outsider, uncivilized and uncouth, slave and free, mean nothing. From now on everyone is defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ.
12-14So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.
15-17Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ—the Message—have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives—words, actions, whatever—be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way.

loved and led..................

It is intimacy with God that brings forth a holiness not born out of religion but out of a bond so strong that it does not see the "no" but rejoices in the identifying with that which He is.... It is this intimacy that will bring eyes fixed upon Him ... that will birth hearts that adore Him.... minds transformed by Him.... a will so filled with courage that the choices made are fixed upon that which He would will... it is not a burden or a task to be done but rather one to be.... to exist...

To acknowledge what a treasure we are that that which we aren't we couldn't even touch... we wouldn't want to... that we would see that which is contrary to our new nature recognize it as foreign and death and not hunger to touch it.....

I don't know how to tell you how I got here specifically because it wasn't a statement of highly effective habits or any five or ten year plan..... if I were to say anything I fostered hunger.... that can't settle for anything but that which is truly real..... I wanted to know how one could know Him and as deeply as one could know and love Him I wanted to discover.......

I wanted to look through the mist of enticements and reach out to find the most authentic aspect of that which He was and so become that which He hungers for me to be.... and that has become the driving force that I will not release or let go of..... because as I have journeyed I have only found more and more joy...

the road seemingly becomes narrower but in my delight it doesn't matter... for even a path that only allows me to place one foot in front of the other and not stand with two feet side by side is that which I hunger for if it brings me further into the reality of all that He is.... I don't feel burdened by religious notions or by any formula of spiritual discipline I feel loved and led.... and that is all I need.........