Tonight I have been going through a folder of papers and pieces that I have written... tying them all together into a book that has both naturally been encouraged and prophetically spoken over.. but as I did I found some papers ... a piece that I wrote about our son Josiah.... He does not walk the Earth with us.... He would have been our first son.... before the others... before the miscarriages.... before them all ... Jim and I would have had a son and his name would have been Josiah.....
I called Jim to my side and asked him to read that which I had written years ago... a piece I had tucked away not yet ready to share..... But you see there is a season to break open old truths and share hearts as to be an avenue for which redemptive power can flow.....
Our pastor has begun a series called Taboo and I find it truly interesting that this piece of paper would rear its head and with Jim's permission I write the rest of this piece
In light of the last four blog posts... you have an inclination of where I walked... a view point of a broken mind... and even though salvation brought forth immediate healing and joy there would be many roads that would need to be walked upon....
I devote and dedicate this next part of this blog to my husband who never left my side though I left his and who fought for our life so that we could walk where we walk today.....
I miss you Josiah... and I long for the day when I can see you face to face forever...
I couldn't handle being married... being pregnant... I separated from Jim and committed a great atrocity.........
This is that which I wrote...................................................
There are things in life that are dark. Regrets shrouded in shame. Moments that can't be ignored or changed. How often have I written about looking back and remembering days that I would rather leave alone... If there was a moment I would change... well, there would be many but this one... this one would be the one that I would pick... There isn't a day I don't think about him and wondered what if... There isn't a day I wish I chosen differently...
(I wrote this next part in red... for these were the words I felt that the Lord spoke over me while I wrote this piece.... to explain part of it.... and this might really baffle any idea of Christ you might have... but truly if you know Him you know that He walked among sinners in desperate need of a healer King... during an abortion procedure I experienced the sight of Christ so clearly that I was astonished that the doctor and the nurses didn't get saved... His mercy ever so present as to protect my broken heart and mind from that which I was doing.. He wasn't there to condemn... . just a loving Savior )
These were the words I felt Christ spoke to me when I originally wrote this piece....
"You remember I stood next to you. I stood by your side.. and took your right hand... Your astonishment that I would be there was apparent. But I am who I am and there was no other place that I would have been. One of my hands on your heart.. one holding yours.. sheltering you with my love and declaring by my presence that darkness would not lay a hold of this moment and that death would not have the final word..... and then it was finished.... and I wrapped him in my arms of love and brought him home with me so that he could be where I was... for I had prepared a place for him.. for in My Father's house are many rooms and if it were not so I would have told you... I prepared a place for him so that he could be where I am and I will come again and will take you to myself ... that where he lives.. you may be also."
Jim and I would get back together and begin to try and pick up all the pieces.... at one point a grandmother of his past away... and at the funeral we both had the same experience...
after the funeral we got back into the car and I turned to Jim and I said, "Josiah, finally has a grandmother's hand to hold..." and Jim looked shocked as he said too... "You saw it as well..." During the funeral we both independently saw a picture of Josiah and Jim's grandmother looking over the funeral service and they were holding hands.....
This was also that which the Lord spoke to me when I originally wrote this piece...
" It was I, who on the day that I brought to me one of my very own... opened up a door of sight for you..... I caused you to look up and see the child holding the hand of great grandmother. On days when you have questioned who you are as a mother it was I that drew his attention to you... to speak to you.. and appear before you and to say to you from his heart that you are a very good mother... ( I have had moments where Josiah has come to me... there is more to the great cloud of witnesses than that which we understand... I won't go into theology here but those experiences were not of a ghost but of the child .. and God let him be seen by me... )
I could have spoken it directly to you... but coming from him I knew you would receive it into the deepest parts of you... and it was I who opened up the door so that you could stand before me together lifting up your voices in worship... (I have had this experience where the four children we miscarried and Josiah surrounded me during a worship service and as I sobbed and worshiped we all worshiped together)... and there will be a time where no time and no distance separates you ever again..."
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I think of her standing before you and a screaming mob... I think of how you bent down and wrote in the sand... how you disarmed those that would condemn her by bringing to their attention the fact that they too stood to be condemned....
I long to live within Your nature and to carry that torch of life and love and the victory of Your death... How often I get it wrong... but Your forgiveness carries me ten thousand miles and beyond ... to the day when I will with all of those before me kneel and bow and declare that Your name is higher than every name .... Jesus Christ You are my Lord... and I am so ever grateful for that fact.............
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