There are times when the truest of confessions must be spoken.. These are some of those times

What does one do when an angel almost larger than the room stands and fills the room with the glistening presence of where he has just come from....What happens when they step into the room and begin to change the atmosphere... calling one's attention away from temporal things and pulling that very attention towards thoughts that are higher than...

My heart hungers and I yearn for a place I am not called to walk fully within just yet..... When upon the scene of a room some aspect of His presence or our Kingdom is manifested strength is granted but yearning for other times comes full upon me and while receiving one and drinking it all in I also yearn with a yearning that ripples through me and causes me to hunger .... He creates and makes all things new... and I yearn to walk within those times of re-creation.. when all is made new.. when that which He is fills the earth...

I have been upon a roller coaster lately... and through love and friendship and worship and the presence of our God I have been made steady... there are seasons that I have walked through that make me say often that I can not even think upon these times for they are too lofty for me... some of these roads are too hard to walk upon and the courage to journey upon them escapes me....

The graciousness and faithfulness of our God has stunned me in moments where at the lowest points when even despairing of life He pours out and gently beckons me forth through the valley of the shadow of this death walk.... there are moments that are so lonely... so frightening... where emotions rage and exhaustion hits... and lack would raise its head and scream be afraid...

I don't come to writing out of having these journeys behind me... not all of them.... I come to Blessings.. I come to that which I put my hand to these days from a place of learning ... from a place of what it means to depend upon ... From a place that understands if He isn't all that He says He is than there is just no going forward and so when in moments He shows Himself so vastly faithful to that which He says and to that which He is... I am taught to breath.. I am positioned to be strong in my weakness.... He rushes in and under girds my very being and grants me the courage and the strength to step one more time into that which He is asking...

I don't come to these places where you find me often because all I know has been overcome... I come to these places and am found the publican ... bowing head.. shedding tears... heart hungry.. soul desperate...

From this place I see and acknowledge that in my weakness He is strong and that there is nothing in any ministry that I want to walk in to ever flow from a personal place of might or strength.. that my life must be one that isn't based upon what I can do... I can do so little... but through Him.. through His spirit.. through what He can do I have seen streets and families and lives and cities transformed...

His heart's hunger is worth touching even though through touching one is left forever changed...

I have backed away from who it was that I truly am... mainly because of fear... afraid that as I spoke what I knew to be upon His heart as encouragement I would be looked at as having ulterior motives or a brown noser... that when I would look and see that which He wants to touch in others the pain of seeing would destroy me....

I closed my heart and my eyes from seeing because if one looks .. if I look then I know and then I can't remain unknowning or uncaring.. if I look I knew I would see and in seeing than I am responsible to touch those places in His heart where He yearns... and those places are hard to touch... His hunger is hard to touch.. His desire is vast and breath taking and there are times I didn't want to "know better" or see or know or be concerned to a place of caring so deeply that I was changed by that same passion filling my heart for others.. I wanted to still be able to turn away and I wanted to hold onto some portion of a life.. of my life...... But stepping into places where acknowledgement that the cross demands death... but in its demand for death its declaration is that life comes ... death precedes life... weakness strength.. poverty riches...

The knowledge that fills His eyes and the love that fills His heart that if we who are called by His name would just turn from our ways and humble ourselves.. acknowledge need and repent then He would hear from Heaven and He would heal our land.. Heal us.. how often does He long to gather us like chicks... His cry over Jerusalem still goes out and it goes out over us and I was afraid that if I stepped into a place where I would no longer protect my heart or shut my eyes I would be destroyed by what I saw and what I felt...

I can no longer live standing knowing what He is asking and not stepping in... His passions are worth touching.. Need is worth being spoken of and exposed... I can't walk these paths.. I could never muster enough courage... Too many issues arise within my heart that would cause me to faint.... I must learn how to lean and not despair... I must learn to be pressed and realize I am not being crushed....

I am weak.. and there are times.. oh so many times where I don't fall into His strength and I allow lack and fear to take the place of courage that is being held out to me....

These roads these days are complicated... but simply I can fully open my eyes and lean into Him and be led of Him ... trusting Him in these places birth quietness and confidence in which I find my salvation.. they birth rest and repentance from which strength is brought forth ... ..

And the words to Who Would Not Love You ring in my head and close out this blog post

A God of love
Is what you are to me
A greater friend
No one could ever be
In holiness born of
Your spirit’s touch
Through never ending love
You give so much


Who would not love you
Who would not cherish you
Who would not serve you all their days
Who would no praise you
Who would not honour you
Who would not die for you
Who would not love you

A Father’s love
Is what you give to me
A guiding hand
A light so I could see
In knowing you
I’ve found my heart’s desire
In loving you
I’ve touched your holy fire