being known by God grants me a comfort these days in ways that I am not sure I can fully express... God knowing me and the prayers of search me and know me bring me an assurance that He does and He will...
I am afraid at times... afraid I don't know myself well enough... afraid I don't see correctly... afraid that there is too much fear... ok that last statement is some what tongue in cheek... but in these moments it doesn't work to look inwardly.... upwardly is such a better direction...
He knows me... when I don't trust myself or the functioning of my heart or mind I do trust that He knows me and that we walk together and that as my friend He tells me that which He knows I need to hear whether I want to or not... I am not His servant.. not only... I am His friend... and the reality of our friendship and His Lordship merge together .... His authority and love mingling together to speak truth and have that truth reverberate within me and bring forth change...
plain speak ... I can end up wrapping things in words and language and thoughts and colors and pictures and just not drop exterior walls to step into the place that says .. no that screams... God you being sovereign and you knowing me and you having your eye upon me brings great comfort...
So when what I know of Him does not match the reality of the moment.. and when the moments of the day and the reality of the world seem so much stronger what does one do with that... What am I supposed to do with that? Oh don't worry I know the theological answers.. or the crap shoot answers.. or the pathetic don't waste your breathe answers....
When the Lord who fed 5000 with a fish and a loaf sees hunger what happens in His heart and when I give the little I have and it doesn't multiply He sees my gaze turned upwards... When the Lord who set Legion into his right mind sees one struggling with the pain and agony of affliction what does He feel?
When my soul languishes with lack of understanding I desire Him... I desire the depth of the reality that He watches over me... and I lean into that reality as a child snuggles into its mother.. I get as close as I can and press my face into His chest and allow Him to quiet my soul... In those moments no pretense .. no brave face.. no better foot... no 5 year plan.. no 7 steps towards change... just a girl and her Lord... quietly waiting together... trust and strength being built...
At times a most delicate balance... hope seemingly fragile gets strong... bone weariness gets replaced and repentance and rest bring forth salvation.. quietness is born and confidence gained .... He settles me like a weaned child upon its mother's breast... and as I recline and settle into His heart beat it reverberates throughout my being and calls me forward into who He always intended for me to be...
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