I looked and I listened.. and I knew my own heart.... I feel like Paul when he said having not attained but pressing forward...
He drew a simple picture and as it was being explained the room got dizzy and I sat down on the floor before I would have fallen....
Almost twenty years in ministry and I would have been able to speak what was being spoken but Holy Spirit was there and pressing the truths in in ways that were stirring all sorts of things up within my being....
Corinthians 12 shouts it loud but the sounds of our culture have drowned it out....
But now God has placed the members, each one of them, in the body, just as He desired. If they were all one member, where would the body be? But now there are many members, but one body. And the eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you”; or again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.” On the contrary, it is much truer that the members of the body which seem to be weaker are necessary; and those members of the body which we deem less honorable, on these we bestow more abundant honor, and our less presentable members become much more presentable, whereas our more presentable members have no need of it. But God has so composed the body, giving more abundant honor to that member which lacked, so that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it.
Read it... really read it.. don't skip that part... skip through the blog... skim through my words but don't miss those words....
Time and time again I find myself in situations and circumstances where people are placing a hierarchical value system on the body of Christ... He or she is more important because they... fill in the blank... I'm not as valuable because I don't... fill in the blank....
"but that the members may have the same care for one another..." Seriously... the same care regardless if they are the speaker or the janitor.. the CEO or the mail room attendant...
I have placed myself on that wheel ... on that number line... and measured myself by exterior standards of men ... whether I was to be approved or not.... whether I was to be accepted or not... and then performed like a monkey to an organ grinder.. dancing and performing...
I have come to terms with the fact that I am one who can sense and anticipate atmospheres in a room.... Whether it is through actually sight and seeing what is in the room or sensing that which is in the room ... I can perceive and pick up on things like that... I can at times do that with people as well... There have been places where whether at churches or conferences these type of things are really beneficial to the body because with sight or sensing we can follow Holy Spirit and do that which Father is doing....
However.... fortunately or unfortunately I live there at times and I have morphed myself to a place where I know how to walk within a given situation... sometimes wisdom? Yes... sometimes wisdom... however more than not fear.... more than not my morphed state is in direct correlation to sensing the atmosphere and changing myself to fit into it instead of being willing to walk as I am.... Before I can be rejected I will find myself altering my posture ... again sometimes honor... yes.. sometimes honor... but let me not fool myself... This isn't me not being presumptuous ... this is me being hyper cautious and self protective ..
I know when to step in and when not to.. I watch favor and desire to be submitted to authority... what I have done however is different... I have stepped out of places in the spirit so that I wouldn't have to be different... pretending I didn't see or didn't know so that I could just walk in and be accepted....
Rejections of the past and situations of the past and darkness along with lies believed were being confronted ever so lovingly with power and grace and light.. I have been pegged to life... to liberty.. to freedom.. it wasn't to live in bondage of my own making that Christ set me free..... It was to receive and accept that there are atmospheres and I am not made to bow to them... I was made to walk into them and have the authority of our God to affect them and change them.. and not put the light that is within me under a covering....
Self protection and fear tendencies and despising of life (yes, fear had so wrought it's work within me that anxiety and terror had taken up shop) but my eyes are being made open and my heart is learning afresh new measures of grace and mercy.... pushing hindrances aside I desire to look straight forward... not measuring myself or my stance by the accounting ways of man but by the truths revealed by the wondrous cross....
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