"You are like Jonah." The Father said. My heart was His as were my ears....

I love to read.. I love to write and I love expression and conversation.  But as of late I feel my insides going quiet.  I feel a need towards solitude and silence.  I feel a need towards simplicity and towards Christ. The simplicity and complexity of Christ has my heart stirred.

I keep thinking of Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers... Fabulous book...  10,000 hours.. I have written about this before here...  Jesus is alive... Jesus is knowable.  What the Father is doing is able to be known and seen and taken part in....  Jesus didn't even speak on His own initiative.  Jesus only did that which He saw the Father doing....

I wonder how much I would do and how much I would speak if I followed that rule...

On this one day in particular.. not too long ago.. I was sad and really struggling through some events that are happening in and around my life...

"I didn't take his kingship away," the Father said all of a sudden.  "I didn't take his kingship away." He repeated Himself and I knew He was talking about David.  I also knew He was answering a million unasked questions.  "You are a lot like Jonah." He said.  I listened....

I want to pause here and express that His presence was wonderful, beautiful and full of love... He was gentle, corrective with a tone that could melt butter on a cold winter day.  He was that which He is and it was beautiful.. I needed Him to speak to me. I was grateful that He disciplines those He loves.  These are the things that so many don't want to really talk about.. Me on the other hand.. rebuke away.. I want to grow up into the maturity in the spirit that He wants me to walk within..

"It isn't so much that you expect me to smite them," He said.

And what He was about to say would undo me and has continued to undo me ever since He spoke those words...

"You expect me to smite you.. so you await me to smite them. You don't know how to receive mercy because you are always awaiting judgement. I want to heal your heart.  I am not going to smite you.  Don't be angry when I don't smite them... Don't be afraid that I will smite you.  I am merciful beyond comprehension."

There weren't the words to respond to Him.  Just tears...

I was raised with extreme criticism.  I was raised with anger.  I was raised that mistakes weren't permissible. Yet I make them all the time... So fear reigned...

Fear reigned in my relationships

Fear reigned in my jobs

Fear reigned in my ministry

Fear reigned...

I experienced loss and anger and disappointment in relationships, work and ministry.  More times than not mistakes weren't allowed and lack in persona perceived or real resulted in loss....

Fear again ruled...

Except now.. Now I am trying to hear that which He would say.. and in His rebuke there is a gentleness and the stark reality of a love so deep and so real that it truly undoes me... Doesn't excuse me.. but forgives me.  Calls sin SIN... But has provided for the reality of my truly deep need for forgiveness.

I am my Father's daughter.. In Him there are treasures for evermore.. not that I get the Mercedes.. NO.. I get something so much richer and so much better.. I get PEACE.