There are times I wonder if I should keep my mouth shut... and I am sure there are times when I should and I don't and times when I do that I shouldn't...
Tonight I can't tell which one should apply...
Maybe that it is my key to not write and play it safe.. but I'm not a real play it safe kind of girl... and there is so much upon my heart and floating around in my head that if I don't write I will burst. While I publish this blog and I am aware of the fact that it is not a private journal.. It is my way of sorting things out... Read or don't read that would be your choice... My choice is that I need the comfort of closing my eyes and feeling my fingers dance upon the keys, I need to bring letters into words into sentences..... This truly isn't for you.. this is sincerely for me...
The range of topics upon my heart these days run such a wide gamut... And even as I begin to write tonight I can see so very many different trails upon which my heart hungers to go down.. I reach a bottle neck in writing for a variety of reasons.. Times of being really busy, times where I don't know what to say, times I am trying to be wise and not come and write because my heart just doesn't feel like it is in the right place and there are times to be silent and times to speak...
I found myself lost today.. staring at a table, staring at the blue sky, staring..... no thoughts.. just staring... If I am honest it isn't just today... and there are days upon days where I have just sat and dazed.. not meditated.. not paused.. dazed...
My heart is heavy with grief... and my eyes are full of sorrow...
Someone told me recently some advice they were given in regards to one scenario that is in my life right now.. It's a marathon not a sprint.... I've been clinging to that... I've never run a marathon but I have talked to people who have and I get the analogy... At some point it hurts to keep running.. at some point the finish line doesn't seem to ever come.... at some point you are keenly aware of every breath.. every muscle.. every movement and yet you keep going.... One can not survive a marathon if the pace that is taken is that of a sprint, one has to be wise...
I guess I kept thinking that something was going to return to normal.. What I am realizing is that it isn't... There will be a new normal... But it won't ever be the same ever again... There are moments that were before and now there are moments after and moments to come...
It was like that when my biological father died.. life would never be the same... life continued and moved forward but the course altered drastically and the shock of that season and the ripple affects went on and on for quite some time...
So now I find myself wanting "normal" and wanting "familiar" and those things are not going to be in my path.. they aren't... I can continue to live in a daze.. a fog and I am sure there will be plenty of moments where that will be the case.. but there are also moments I must keep running... The finish line hasn't been crossed and while the terrain seems unbearable it MUST be transversed... There isn't another option...
So I realize shock has set in.. I realize there isn't anything I can do to get anything back to what it was and what it will be hasn't been determined yet.... I realize I will not be the life of the party any time soon... I realize that I am weak.. I realize that I'm sad .. I realize that I must mourn...
Today I come to terms with the fact that shock has set in... and that the road ahead is not familiar nor is it one that I would have necessarily chosen 100%... I gasp out a prayer for grace... I sit and contemplate mercy... tenderlovingkindnesses of the Lord that never cease... Tonight I curl up upon my sofa and I stop fighting to be strong and let Him be strong for me.. Tonight I cease striving and admit that He is God and I am not and that without Him I am screwed.... Tonight I weep with those who weep...
One day there will be a new normal.. Tonight, tomorrow.. next week.. next month it isn't going to be that.... But one day.. one day when I'm not even fully aware I will pause and realize I have touched something familiar and a new normal will have begun....
Shock has set in.... the realization that I have fought to keep it at bay and I can't keep it at bay has arrived... the onus is now upon me to call to mind God's faithfulness.. His truth, His ways... Him... His love... Shock has set in and while it is suffocating and completely disorienting I do acknowledge that He is the way, the truth and the light...
In the times when the darkness seems so grand and the path a head seems only bleak... I think to myself about those living in the land of death shade and how upon them a light dawned and cling to the reality that Christ brings an orientation out of sorrow... He was a man of many sorrows and so He gets it....
I don't have a "normal" now and "familiar" isn't the word I can use to describe my life.... But I can find an oasis of grace and I am learning that in the acknowledgement I need not fear .. nor need I be afraid... I do know that this will pass... I don't know what the picture will look like to emerge from these times but I know there is a picture to be had.... He knows the plans He has for me and they are plans to not bring harm but to bring hope and a future to my life..... I will wait upon Him for only with Him are found the words of life and He is the place from which my help comes from....
I look forward to the day when I am reoriented to that which life will be and I acknowledge that disorientation and reorientation will be a process through which I will continue to walk.. I pray that His joy will be my strength and that His perfect love will cast out fear....
In the times when the darkness seems so grand and the path a head seems only bleak... I think to myself about those living in the land of death shade and how upon them a light dawned and cling to the reality that Christ brings an orientation out of sorrow... He was a man of many sorrows and so He gets it....
I don't have a "normal" now and "familiar" isn't the word I can use to describe my life.... But I can find an oasis of grace and I am learning that in the acknowledgement I need not fear .. nor need I be afraid... I do know that this will pass... I don't know what the picture will look like to emerge from these times but I know there is a picture to be had.... He knows the plans He has for me and they are plans to not bring harm but to bring hope and a future to my life..... I will wait upon Him for only with Him are found the words of life and He is the place from which my help comes from....
I look forward to the day when I am reoriented to that which life will be and I acknowledge that disorientation and reorientation will be a process through which I will continue to walk.. I pray that His joy will be my strength and that His perfect love will cast out fear....
3 comments:
I appreciate you sharing, It really hurts to say anything positive. My heart is in a simliar place. Disoriented and dont know how to say that i honestly care and dont at the same time. God is so good and not the problem, but sometimes you just get tired. If only with my confession My future and faith in His hands. It just feels cheap to say. I will weep those that weep tonight. Believe it to be a day he gives the grace to keep fighting.
Thank you, Mims. You have articulated what I've had no words to express for more than a year now. There have been days I was disoriented, so utterly STUNNED that I felt "out of body" almost, desperately grasping for something, anything familiar. Only God could help me and even my relationship with Him felt weird because the pain was so overwhelming. Yet, He's the only One who can really help. I'm so deeply thankful that He doesn't leave us alone in our heartache and sorrow. Thank you again for sharing from your heart, and you are in my prayers. May His peace envelope you like a cocoon and give you strength for the remainder of the journey.
It is good to read that someone else is also experiencing a lack of "normal". Not that I would wish this on anyone but knowing that we are not alone in our sorrows helps in some way. Everything in my life right now is disorienting. Grief at my fathers death a month ago, grief at my sisters death 5 months ago, and many other very disorienting things have occurred this past year or two and I am not sure how to respond. It is difficult in the body of Christ to experience these griefs as even in the body, there seems to be a lack of ability to allow others to experience pain. We are to be joy filled all of the time! Ha. Not very joy filled during this season. But I have hope...Jesus is my anchor. He holds me even when I do not sense Him (I have not sensed His presence in a very long time). But I know there is an end to this. Thank you for sharing your heart...and your pain. In some weird way, it helps...not making light of it, just being real. I am not the only one suffering..we are sharing in His suffering and that is a good thing even if it does not seem to be.
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