"No, he didn't sleep with his secretary or steal money..."

Tonight I fall to my knees.  Tonight I bow my head low. Tonight I gasp for air.  Tonight I plead for grace.  Tonight I long for mercy.  Tonight I look up to the Heavens.  Tonight I let the tears fall.

Tonight I struggle for words.


Tonight I sat in an apartment of a dear friend.

The stories just kept pouring out of her heart.  I listened.  I dazed off.  I listened some more.

This youth worker found dead in his closet on an overdose... Her son had loved him.  He had been a great youth pastor. He had loved the kids. The kids had loved him.  He was amazing at what he did.  What happened?  Had the man behind the amazing youth pastor even ever been considered as a man or was he just a talented youth leader?  Was there someone watching over him and caring about him in regards to his own life.....

This other youth worker had an affair with the chorus director.  Both ran off leaving spouses, kids and church stunned.

This one church in Florida had seen more than even "Days of our Lives," could muster up and I just listened as the stories culminated in some very tragic events in the lives of senior leadership.

I listened.  I did daze off...  and then I listened some more...

I've been in ministry over 20 years.  YET....

Tonight I fall to my knees.  Tonight I bow my head low. Tonight I gasp for air.  Tonight I plead for grace.  Tonight I long for mercy.  Tonight I look up to the Heavens.  Tonight I let the tears fall.

Tonight I struggle for words.

We are all the publican.  We are all the pharisee.  We will all admit sin.. We will all confess sometime, "thank God, I am not like that sinner over there."  We are all the publican.  We are all the pharisee.

It is not a crisis of faith nor is it lack of understanding.  I'm very grateful for classes that I took early on in my faith walk in regards to separating out the man from the giftings of God.  I have seen over the decades how people get those things confused.  Putting men/women on pedestals that only God should ever sit on and that no man or woman could ever maintain, never ends well for anyone.  I have seen celebrity and notions of celebrity only grow in the western church as the name of men and women get lifted up more than the name of Christ. Results are often disastrous somewhere within the tale.

It isn't just the man or woman.. the masses are there too. Of course when things happen as they will the masses rarely claim their part.  The masses are fickle. If the trajectory is an upward one many will ride on those coat tails and yet at the first signs of loss of favor or personal injustice they disperse and run in the opposite direction..

Jesus was hailed one week and crucified the next.

I write this tonight because it matters... it matters to me because as one in ministry with the understanding that   there would be any that would look towards me for spiritual guidance, it has to matter.  I think these issues must be looked at and addressed.  For the sake of the leaders.. for the sake of those they lead..

 I lay these issues open and with a cry and a prayer speak to my Father, who hears before I speak and answers before I call.

I love the faith of this one young person I know and love.. .. it is raw and real and his....  some aspects of his beliefs are definitely formed out of a reaction to religion and hypocrisy.  I respect him. I respect where he comes from.  We can disagree on somethings and I know we are both in process.

Sitting across from him recently I had both what will end up being a life time favorite conversation as well as a conversation I wish I could forget.  How can it be both?  It was long.  It was beautiful and then it wasn't and then it was again.

He asked me out right about somethings he was wondering about... His request was simple, "tell me he didn't do what ministers do..."  I looked at this young man and I looked and I looked.  I heard his heart express how much an individual meant to him, how much he had learned, how moved he had been to listen to the sermons.  A young man who won't just listen to just anyone had had his faith kept intact through the years partially because of another.

Then came the statement... the request ... "tell me he didn't do what ministers do.."

"What do ministers do?" Was my safe response.

"Sleep with the secretary or steal money."

I was relieved... "No, he didn't sleep with his secretary or steal money."  I was relieved and grieved... Grieved that this young man would equate the title, "minister," with such things...

Top on his list wasn't .. feeding the poor, healing the sick, loving the outcast....

We then spoke on grace.. not cheap grace BUT grace... we then spoke about Jesus and the reality of our need and we kept speaking on a variety of topics...  I listened and I listened and I listened... I know this young man will be ok.. I know he will be more than ok...  I know that he is in the palm of his Father's hand and that nothing will pluck him from that place... It is with that knowledge that Pharisee and Publican can rest assured...

I am pharisee.. I am publican.. I am His daughter... Standing in the palm of His hand.. resting in the fact that I can't get plucked out from that place.. I am need of grace... I am in need of mercy...  I am in need of wisdom.. I am in need...

SO

Tonight I fall to my knees.  Tonight I bow my head low. Tonight I gasp for air.  Tonight I plead for grace.  Tonight I long for mercy.  Tonight I look up to the Heavens.  Tonight I let the tears fall.