I could feel that cold, detached
feeling making it's way into my center. The constricting of my
chest. The pushing away from emotions. “The I don't care”, and
“I will be ok no matter what” mentality,”
emerging.
A million pictures raced through my
mind.
Everything was swelling, and then I
paused. “Lord, into this minute I invite you.”
Into this minute with all its
uncertainty, all its mounting pressure; I lean into you... I was
reminded of one of my new favorite quotes by Brother Lawrence; “In
these times of dryness and unclearness which bother our souls, there
needs to be fidelity to Him.”
Recently, within a conversation, a
friend spoke one sentence which was like light breaking through. She
spoke of how she had realized she wasn't caring about some specific
things because her conclusion was she could do nothing about them and
so why care. When she spoke the words, “do nothing about it,” I
felt struck by lightening.
In many situations where I have felt
like I could do nothing about the circumstances or current
happenings, I just shut down. I don't let myself care. What is the
point anyway? I can't do anything about it.. I can't change it, I
can't make it different. I felt trapped, vulnerable and afraid. I
felt powerless. So I distanced myself and pushed it all away, allowed
my heart to go numb and continued with life. Because I can't do
anything about it anyway! Why bother?!?
When those words fell out of my
friend's mouth, I felt such sharp electricity run through me...
But it wouldn't be until this
morning,where it was as if the Heaven's opened, and I saw the
Father's heart in immense ways.
I saw myself and I saw others, I saw
people in circumstances that are beyond one's control. In so seeing,
I began to witness something immense and beautiful...
The Father leaned into me and spoke,
“When you can't do something I can.. When you are powerless to
change circumstances, I'm not... Let me be that which strengthens you
and upholds you, especially when you don't understand.” He was
asking for trust. He was asking for hope.
In moments when I can't do something
about the circumstances I'm facing, the position of my heart is not
to shut down under false conclusions. The position of my heart isn't
to falter because I'm helpless and can't affect the situation, and
the position of my heart can't be to try to manipulate the
circumstances or situations either. The position of my heart HAS to
be that when I feel helpless or the circumstances are beyond my
capacity to affect change, at that moment I must turn my heart
towards trust and hope and believe that when I can't, He CAN...
And when the events still roll out in
directions that I wished them not to, at that moment to trust in His
goodness above all else. But to stand in a place where I care and not
opt into the “I don't care,”mentality, that is the place where I
allow the pain of caring, the fear of caring, the intimidation of
caring to reside. To not do so and choose the, “I don't care,”
mentality is a dangerous cop-out. One which I have chosen all too
often.
So I care, even when I can't control
what's happening and can't make it better. I care and I allow the
pain of caring but feeling helpless to both reside deep within. I
care because to pretend to not care or to work into myself the “I
don't care,” mentality only REALLY just brings death. I'm cutting
something off inside of me, I am pretending and shutting down instead
of feeling pain. I'd rather be in a place of passing through and
feeling then becoming petrified or ossified.
I have allowed hardness to protect me
in places but then those are the very places that hurt more than
anything. Those are the places of being cut off from His presence,
those are the places HE THEN HAS TO PRUNE!!!
So I remain supple.
I don't want to close down or harden my
heart... Because the fact of the matter is I DO CARE.. HE CARED... IT
HURTS... BUT it hurts worse and is a greater death to shut it all
down. So I care, and I hurt and I ask the Lord to dwell with me in
those moments, and I am learning what it means to abide in all times.
What a glorious journey of transformational living. Painful and
exhilarating, full of sorrow but full of joy; and more than
anything full and not cut off! Severing oneself from parts of
oneself breeds places where He will have to come in and bring healing
and pruning.. I am really trying to learn to walk through it during
the circumstances, and not shut down. I do care! I do care! I DO
CARE! And sometimes that sucks.. But I can't lie to myself or against
God anymore...
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