The journey back has been daunting and cumbersome and difficult. It has been filled with cynicism and hostility on my part. A fury at times that has had me entertain the most horrid of thoughts regarding man and church and life as a Christian. But.... and as a man who I recently heard speak once said.. there are big buts out there and this is one of them.....
You may have read my blog posts or known me through the ministry of Stir The Water or other places, If you have read a while then you know I am passionate about a few main topics. I do have 6 children but I would not be your typical mommy/Christian blogger... I'd tell you that one of my children learned the most profound spiritual lesson while watch the tv show, Weeds. Now I hate that show but we believe in choice within reason in our family. And it came to pass that indeed one child learned the truest lesson while watching it.
Well with that confession I might have lost you.. But then that is alright. You weren't mine to ever have... I'm not looking for subscribers really. I write because I want to write. It is still the one avenue in my life that remains the least tainted, so to it I fly. I close my eyes and place my hands upon the keyboard and in that moment it might as well be a piano for me, the words and all swirl together and I hear their harmonies, I see their notes...
I don't know Him as I would desire and in some places I know Him less then I once did. How is that possible? Oh there was a time my heart was much less encumbered by cares. Anyone who has parented for a long while understands that the problems of the twenty year old are not as easily solved as that of the two year old and that the proverbial band aids are much more costly, financially and emotionally.
So is true for one who is no longer an infant in Christ. You see I know better. But in the longevity of seasons that taunt and play out the vast wilderness before me, I forsake long suffering and just want out. Unlike Brother Lawrence who could write, " in these times of dryness and unclearness that bother our souls, there needs to be fidelity to Him." I just was crying uncle. Or where he writes, "I am keenly aware of my faults, but I am not discouraged by them." I guess I am still under some delusion because I am very discouraged by them, indeed.
God will then speak and push me forward away from anger and hardness of heart, and He will call out for me to not be angry but to entice. Entice and woo with the reality of His magnificence. Use words, He will say, use words to express the beauty and purity of my heart. Paint pictures with words and know me once again like you once did, embrace the child like faith and not hostility. Be kind to those in the Body who you would rather call a moron. NO.. He didn't say that... not that last bit anyway..
For you see if we truly encountered even the smallest iota of the reality of who He is, we would melt away with the depth of affection that pours forth from Him. That reality is hard to see if my eyes are more upon the world. And my eyes have been more upon the world.. Someone just posted to Facebook today this brilliant quote from Bill Johnson, One of the side effects of losing intimacy with God is that at some point we stop doing ministry out of imagination and we begin doing it out of memory.
Out of memory, out of know how.. how boring and utterly predictable of mankind. Find the 5 step plan that works and stick with it and become its expert... Except the Spirit of God rarely works that way.. and the 5 step plan that worked in one place that was God ordained and breathed upon was never meant to become a serpent upon a stick.
What intrigues me? He does.. He terrifies me intrigues me and bewilders me and renders my heart utterly captive. I, like Peter, in this time of life speak out that I would leave Him if I had another place to go.. But sadly I have seen the vanity of all else and realize that there is no other place to go but to His side. He intrigues me and before I would allow decades of ministry to take their toll, I knew that. I knew that better. Away with the cynicism and look wise in my own eyes.
Hope is so much more powerful in the long run even after it has left our hearts sick, the truth is that the truest of hopes never disappoints.... So that intrigues me too...
His thoughts and His ways and Him.. That! All of that intrigues me...
His love.. that He loves us... That intrigues me
His compassion
His mercy
His grace
His throne
His righteousness
His Justice
His ability to make all things new
I am so thoroughly intrigued by Him and His history of how He has walked with man, how He has loved us when we wouldn't love Him back.. How He pursues us relentlessly.
I don't know that... I don't understand it.. I believe it but I don't grasp it not really.. I can even teach on some of those things but they haven't landed not fully... not even close to the fullness of the reality of what they really are... I want to know more... I believe plenty.. It is time to know...
More than anything upon me now is the challenge Brother Lawrence puts out there.. In these times of dryness and uncertainty that bother the soul, there needs to be fidelity to Him.. So in this whopping freakishly long wilderness, FIDELITY has become the goal.. Not in exterior actions but within my heart.. for that is what Christ really desires.. Truth in the inner most places.. I, earnestly, believe He cares not so much for the exterior of things but so very thoroughly upon the interior He places His finger...
So that is what intrigues me... That I being so faithless could still be the object of His faithful affections... That should intrigue you... Be intrigued .. Allow curiosity to pull you into His magnificent heart
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