I can just hear it.. It's Sunday morning.... Racers take your mark.. Are our back stage show hands ready with their production clip boards? The pomp and circumstance.. the lights, the smoke.. the music.. ACTION... Let the games begin.. Let the smiles be worn .. Let the hearts be dressed up all pretty... It is the opening of a Sunday in Christendom and racers are you ready?
The first sentence HAS to be I am guilty and excavation of the pole is in process (I hope).... so all anyone else needs to think about is the speck of dust ... so consider this a letter to myself.... and you just get to read a page in my diary...
(Coming back to read this after it is done I need to apologize for the sarcasm within the title.. apologize but not change... maybe I shouldn't apoligize then.. but I'm in process and there are places where my heart is angry.. and places my heart is grieving and places where I don't know but grace how to continue to love and continue to walk and continue to hope against hope.... So grateful for that grace...)
In my journey with the Lord I reminisce upon the days when I just knew Him.. before the days my feet stepped into "ministry," before my ears and eyes and heart knew "politics." I think about the days when what I knew was Him. Those are the days I look back to as to be empowered to move forward.
One man who I knew many years ago and has walked a long time in "ministry," is writing these series of articles on how he has survived the decades of service to the Body, including what have been the practices that have kept him in it for the long haul. The points he brings up are important ones... the ones I land back on time and time again are the ones about relationships.
As I began to write this the presence of the Lord filled out the room and my awareness of Jesus became very heightened.... I began to feel as if He wanted me to write a letter and while it is intimate and very personal... (I did say in the beginning you would be reading a page in my diary) I share it with you...
My letter to Him...
I read recently that Manning called you the "Abba of Jesus," and I loved it.. I loved it instantly. There was something so right about that phrase and it caught my heart and captivated my attentions. You are the "Abba of Jesus," you then, are also, the "Abba of Mims." And again my heart explodes deeply within the reality of those words.
I crawl into you this morning. I crawl into the hiding place. I crawl into you and away ... away from the expressions of you upon the earth amidst my brothers and sisters... ( For a moment, only for a moment.. I know I will back for you call us not to escape but to remain.). Father.... Abba.. my heart is grieving... And my feet need to transverse the great and yet nothing space that separates us... You are upon your throne and I am earth bound and yet we meet time and time and time again... This is one of those times.... This is one of those times that need only You.. This is one of those moments where only you can satisfy.
My eyes see both ugly and beauty... the ugly stabs at my heart. The beauty brings healing into my eyes. I am called to Your body, Your son's bride, I am a part and can't say that I don't need any other part... I will by Your grace not speak ill about her.. But, oh Father.. the greed, the juxtapositioning for places of importance, the timeless regard for those who would be deemed not as important.. certainly no greater places of honor for them... The placement of relationship only for what can be gained or for what others can see... The right hand knowing what the left hand is doing... The seeking out of the best seats in the sanctuary... The selfish ambition... That is the ugly...
I need more of the beauty... I need more of the highways and byways.. I need more of the raw need of you ... I need less of the pharisee that is within me, I need more of the confession of the publican within and without and less and less of the Pharisee...
I am grieved for I am the worst offender.. in this world of "ministry," where your heart beat gets lost in the noise of the clanging gongs and the turning of cogs.. where the money of the people is more sought after then their hearts and their growth... Those places where spectacular displays of light and color and noise drown out the essential beauty of the essence of You. I don't know how to walk in the midst of the temple with such money changers... I lack wisdom.. I lack compassion... In these places where beauty fades and ugly soars.. I lack and I know not how to walk.. what tables are you over turning in me? What is it all suppose to look like anyway? Empower my eyes to see beyond the pig slop and see me underneath it all and see Yours underneath it all....
I am not lost in the depths of this.. I want to be lost in the depths of You, I am not hopeless in the midst of this.. for I hope against hope in the depths of you.... I am exhausted but upon the rising and riding of your wings I will be brought forward... I am a revelatory expression of Your Kingdom in need of a display of Your heart beat upon which I can anchor into and pulsate within. You... Your beauty... Your transformative power... You are what is needed ... To you and in You and with You I remain...
My greatest need is of You...
I entitled this, "Let the games begin.." I referred to "sharks in the water... " and the "blood of the Body," but more than anything I need the redemptive qualities of Your blood and the water that came forth from Your side... Pour over me Lord.. Pour over me.... This is so not a game...
Yours,
M
One of His responses................
See with the eyes I have given you. It does not take them to see what you see naturally.
Fight with the courage I have given you. You can not do it in your own strength.
Stand in the places I have empowered you to. You know not to build towers.
2 comments:
Just before getting online I was asking my Father, again, for a place in the body where we worship Him till His heart and ours join in oneness, where His word is spoken with power, authority, and above all Truth. Where I could find my place to work along side my brothers and sisters and He alone would be praised. There are those of us out here longing for the real, who know God alone is our worth and value, who don't need position or praise, only the
copportunity to be One with Him joined to the Bride. We are with you. Thank you for your honesty.
wow... when you were typing out about Manning calling God, "Abba of Jesus" and "Abba of Mims".. something within my heart just unlocked.. thank you so much for the beautiful words!
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