Wednesday, September 30, 2009

My Favorite Line.. if I do say so myself

she saw me in a prison and did not hesitate and she became the key........

As I reread this ... this last sentence that I just wrote it would not let me go.... last night Heidi Baker shared about keeping our eyes and ears opened to suffering.. to the suffering of children and people... well, Sue Frisbie (sorry girl .. not to embarrass you at all) did that very thing... she kept her eyes open and she saw me and she became that key....
We need to look and see who the Lord will put in our path.... and walk with them.... Heidi talked about fervent love... a love that does not stop... that kind of love is what revolutionized my life and made me who I am today... capable of being a Child of God.. a wife... a mom... a friend... a person... really, a person.... I was so fractured before being love fervently.... we are God's love to this world...

I write this story because in some way I am feeling compelled.... I am feeling like it will be a testimony of what love can do when it is allowed to have its day .. and so I reveal and write... so that Light shines forward only darkness keeps things hidden

Let's be Keys!!!!!!!

The Tides Began To Turn

In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it!!! THE DARKNESS CAN NOT OVERCOME IT!
Darkness will not win. It cannot overcome the light. A room full of darkness is lost to light when one pushes the switch. There are times many a switch needs to be turned on but then comes light. The darkness vanishes quickly.
And there came a day when the darkness lifted. One day in particular. But also many days that made up a season of turning. A season when The Light shone in brighter then the darkness has over shadowed.
There had been many seasons of heading in that direction. Many times when the light made its way through. When the tunnel's end was coming closer into sight. And then she came. And the darkness and the shadows could no longer stay. I began to learn how to live more fully in the light. And it grew and it grew. And so did I.
She carried the light with her and she was persistent. Determined that I would see. Determined that I would learn to breathe. Determined that I would no longer walk in the darkness. Determined to love me. He brought her to me to show me His love. And she was determined. With her the chains that had wrapped their way through and around my heart were unlocked. With her by my side I saw Him and knew that life abundant was within my grasp.
She turned her heart, the heart of a mother, to a child... one that was not her own. In turn my heart was turned towards love, towards life, towards her and darkness did not have its day. The utter destruction of my life avoided by a woman choosing to love... living out her life as a carrier of His light .
She was a "very rarely."
"What do you mean?" I was asked. "A very rarely?"
A smile formed on my face as memories.... oh so many memories of her flooded my very being. A larger smile formed... "Well very rarely will someone lay down their life for someone...." I said, as my mind still drifted back to the days when we walked together. "But she did... she laid her life down so that I could live... sound like someone you know... she was His hands to me, His heart to me, His very life to me... she saw me in a prison and did not hesitate and she became the key........

Monday, September 28, 2009

THE FABULOUS NEW WARDROBE.... A VERY MUCH NEEDED WORD FOR OUR TIMES

by Hans Christian Andersen (1805-75)
adapted by Stephen Corrin in Stories for Seven-Year-Olds. London 1964

The Emperors New Clothes

Many years ago there lived an Emperor who was so exceedingly fond of fine new clothes that he spent vast sums of money on dress. To him clothes meant more than anything else in the world. He took no interest in his army, nor did he care to go to the theatre, or to drive about in his state coach, unless it was to display his new clothes. He had different robes for every single hour of the day.

In the great city where he lived life was gay and strangers were always coming and going. Everyone knew about the Emperor's passion for clothes.

Now one fine day two swindlers, calling themselves weavers, arrived. They declared that they could make the most magnificent cloth that one could imagine; cloth of most beautiful colours and elaborate patterns. Not only was the material so beautiful, but the clothes made from it had the special power of being invisible to everyone who was stupid or not fit. for his post.

"What a splendid idea," thought the Emperor. "What useful clothes to have. If I had such a suit of clothes I could know at once which of my people is stupid or unfit for his post."

So the Emperor gave the swindlers large sums of money and the two weavers set up their looms in the palace. They demanded the finest thread of the best silk and the finest gold and they pretended to work at their looms. But they put nothing on the looms. The frames stood empty. The silk and gold thread they stuffed into their bags. So they sat pretending to weave, and continued to work at the empty loom till late into the night. Night after night they went home with their money and their bags full of the finest silk and gold thread. Day after day they pretended to work.

Now the Emperor was eager to know how much of the cloth was finished, and would have loved to see for himself. He was, however, somewhat uneasy. "Suppose," he thought secretly, "suppose I am unable to see the cloth. That would mean I am either stupid or unfit for my post. That cannot be," he thought, but all the same he decided to send for his faithful old minister to go and see. "He will best be able to see how the cloth looks. He is far from stupid and splendid at his work."

So the faithful old minister went into the hall where the two weavers sat beside the empty looms pretending to work with all their might.

The Emperor's minister opened his eyes wide. "Upon my life!" he thought. "I see nothing at all, nothing." But he did not say so.

The two swindlers begged him to come nearer and asked him how he liked it. "Are not the colors exquisite, and see how intricate are the patterns," they said. The poor old minister stared and stared. Still he could see nothing, for there was nothing. But he did not dare to say he saw nothing. "Nobody must find out,"' thought he. "I must never confess that I could not see the stuff."

"Well," said one of the rascals. "You do not say whether it pleases you."

"Oh, it is beautiful-most excellent, to be sure. Such a beautiful design, such exquisite colors. I shall tell the Emperor how enchanted) I am with the cloth."

"We are very glad to hear that," said the weavers, and they started to describe the colors and patterns in great detail. The old minister listened very carefully so that he could repeat the description to the Emperor. They also demanded more money and more gold thread, saying that they needed it to finish the cloth. But, of course, they put all they were given into their bags and pockets and kept on working at their empty looms.

Soon after this the Emperor sent another official to see how the men were ,getting on and to ask whether the cloth would soon be ready. Exactly the same happened with him as with the minister. He stood and stared, but as there was nothing to be seen, he could see nothing.

"Is not the material beautiful?" said the swindlers, and again they talked of 'the patterns and the exquisite colors. "Stupid I certainly am not," thought the official. "Then I must be unfit for my post. But nobody shall know that I could not see the material." Then he praised the material he did not see and declared that he was delighted with the colors and the marvelous patterns.

To the Emperor he said when he returned, "The cloth the weavers are preparing is truly magnificent."

Everybody in the city had heard of the secret cloth and were talking about the splendid material.

And now the Emperor was curious to see the costly stuff for himself while it was still upon the looms. Accompanied by a number of selected ministers, among whom were the two poor ministers who had already been before, the Emperor went to the weavers. There they sat in front of the empty looms, weaving more diligently than ever, yet without a single thread upon the looms.

"Is not the cloth magnificent?" said the two ministers. "See here, the splendid pattern, the glorious colors." Each pointed to the empty loom. Each thought that the other could see the material.

"What can this mean?" said the Emperor to himself. "This is terrible. Am I so stupid? Am I not fit to be Emperor? This is disastrous," he thought. But aloud he said, "Oh, the cloth is perfectly wonderful. It has a splendid pattern and such charming colors." And he nodded his approval and smiled appreciatively and stared at the empty looms. He would not, he could not, admit he saw nothing, when his two ministers had praised the material so highly. And all his men looked and looked at the empty looms. Not one of them saw anything there at all. Nevertheless, they all said, "Oh, the cloth is magnificent."

They advised the Emperor to have some new clothes made from this splendid material to wear in the great procession the following day.

"Magnificent." "Excellent." "Exquisite," went from mouth to mouth and everyone was pleased. Each of the swindlers was given a decoration to wear in his button-hole and the title of "Knight of the Loom".

The rascals sat up all that night and worked, burning more than sixteen candles, so that everyone could see how busy they were making the suit of clothes ready for the procession. Each of them had a great big pair of scissors and they cut in the air, pretending to cut the cloth with them, and sewed with needles without any thread.

There was great excitement in the palace and the Emperor's clothes were the talk of the town. At last the weavers declared that the clothes were ready. Then the Emperor, with the most distinguished gentlemen of the court, came to the weavers. Each of the swindlers lifted up an arm as if he were holding something. "Here are Your Majesty's trousers," said one. "This is Your Majesty's mantle," said the other. "The whole suit is as light as a spider's web. Why, you might almost feel as if you had nothing on, but that is just the beauty of it."

"Magnificent," cried the ministers, but they could see nothing at all. Indeed there was nothing to be seen.

"Now if Your Imperial Majesty would graciously consent to take off your clothes," said the weavers, "we could fit on the new ones." So the Emperor laid aside his clothes and the swindlers pretended to help him piece by piece into the new ones they were supposed to have made.

The Emperor turned from side to side in front of the long glass as if admiring himself.

"How well they fit. How splendid Your Majesty's robes look: What gorgeous colors!" they all said.

"The canopy which is to be held over Your Majesty in the procession is waiting," announced the Lord High Chamberlain.

"I am quite ready," announced the Emperor, and he looked at himself again in the mirror, turning from side to side as if carefully examining his handsome attire.

The courtiers who were to carry the train felt about on the ground pretending to lift it: they walked on solemnly pretending to be carrying it. Nothing would have persuaded them to admit they could not see the clothes, for fear they would be thought stupid or unfit for their posts.

And so the Emperor set off under the high canopy, at the head of the great procession. It was a great success. All the people standing by and at the windows cheered and cried, "Oh, how splendid are the Emperor's new clothes. What a magnificent train! How well the clothes fit!" No one dared to admit that he couldn't see anything, for who would want it to be known that he was either stupid or unfit for his post?

None of the Emperor's clothes had ever met with such success.

But among the crowds a little child suddenly gasped out, "But he hasn't got anything on." And the people began to whisper to one another what the child had said. "He hasn't got anything on." "There's a little child saying he hasn't got anything on." Till everyone was saying, "But he hasn't got anything on." The Emperor himself had the uncomfortable feeling that what they were whispering was only too true. "But I will have to go through with the procession," he said to himself.

So he drew himself up and walked boldly on holding his head higher than before, and the courtiers held on to the train that wasn't there at all.

A timely word is found within the words of this story... One which we MUST adhere to!!! I have like those in the story been like those who complemented the King for his "fabulous new waredrob." Why? Why do we do this SELF PRESERVATION, FEAR...... We allow the "kings" of this world and of this time to go "through with the procession!" May we find the voice of the child in all of us and may we raise a new banner of character and integrity. May we walk like little children and speak the truth (in love). But THE TRUTH.............


Wednesday, September 23, 2009

And yet another part of the story

It was said that she should never marry. That she should never have children. I can remember that day. For the most part I choose not to remember it but it lives within the recesses of my mind. My daughter. My only daughter. So truly unreachable.

I sat across from this man, this "professional" as he went on about her. Had he stared into her eyes on the first moment that she had drawn a breath. Had he held her and felt her silky newborn skin. Had the twinkle in her eyes and the magic in her voice ever come close to filling the very core of him as it had mine. His limited experience of her had brought him to write her life off as a waste. At best a lonely individual incapable of walking within the boundaries of reality. At worst ... well, at worst I don't even want to know what his thoughts were. He had spoken too many of them already.....

He was about to be born. The first grandchild. We hovered outside the door. Paced the hallways. Lingered over cups of coffee. And there I sat at the round table in the waiting room. My finger tracing the circle of the top of my paper coffee cup. Thinking back upon those days... hearing the "professional's" opinion in my head. She was about to be a mother. She had been a wife. My heart was in my throat. Would she be able to do this? Would she be ok? Would they be ok? The joy and excitement of new life was metered by the deep ache inside my heart.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

An Exceedingly Great Army

DRY BONES NO MORE...............................................

There are times that I get lost in the memories of the past. Those times feel so far removed. Like a different life time ago. At least one.

I have sat outside underneath the full moon as clouds travel over her tonight and have reflected on the journey. As I think through the events that have brought me to this moment I stand in awe. I stand in awe of what can truly happen if love has its way. There is a story in the Bible that says:

The hand of the LORD was upon me, and he brought me out in the Spirit of the LORD and set me down in the middle of the valley; it was full of bones. And he led me around among them, and behold, there were very many on the surface of the valley, and behold, they were very dry. And he said to me, "Son of man, can these bones live?" And I answered, "O Lord GOD, you know." Then he said to me, "Prophesy over these bones, and say to them, O dry bones, hear the word of the LORD. Thus says the Lord GOD to these bones: Behold, I will cause breath to enter you, and you shall live. And I will lay sinews upon you, and will cause flesh to come upon you, and cover you with skin, and put breath in you, and you shall live, and you shall know that I am the LORD."

So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I prophesied, there was a sound, and behold, a rattling, and the bones came together, bone to its bone. And I looked, and behold, there were sinews on them, and flesh had come upon them, and skin had covered them. But there was no breath in them. Then he said to me, Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to the breath, Thus says the Lord GOD: Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe on these slain, that they may live." So I prophesied as he commanded me, and the breath came into them, and they lived and stood on their feet, an exceedingly great army.

There I was ... just a pile of dry bones. Discarded. Left. Words spoken over my life that I would amount to nothing. Damaged. Should never marry. Never have children. I tell my story now because I know that love will create the greatest army. Allow the breath of love to breathe you into life........

When we fully grab a hold of how transforming the power of God's love is ( not manmade religion) we will stand on our feet, an exceedingly great army of light and love................... I see the discarded, the lost, the lonely, the outcast, the forsaken, and the broken grasping that God's love will never fail.... it will never lack... it will never falter... I see the "rich young rulers of the world" actually realizing that their "stuff" will not do and instead of leaving the presence of the Lord turning and clinging to the seam of His garment......

We will rise with one heart and one mind for we will have tasted love and we will have been made full

Monday, September 7, 2009

Next Posting of Story

I know... I thought I would break up the next passage of the story.... however it didn't happen this time... it is longer than I thought it would be....
There are moments in ones life that when looked back upon seem so foreign.... As I journey back to chronicle some times in the past... it seems to at times be more non-ficton.... so fantastical ... not fantastic... but crazy...
Even with all of that there is something pushing me towards this right now... something I need to embrace... even if it is just for one other.... to shorten someone elses journey by risking and exposing... well, I remember knowing that if I were to do that some day... it would make having walked through it worth while.....
So here we go.... leaping off another cliff....

Another Part of the Story

It is so beyond the scope of the imagination all that transpired. To think upon it now even has me think it is too fantastical to have been real life. But real life it was. Who was I even that I could have done what I did and yet a chapter in my life it was.

The night was dark. The cold February wind pushed against me as I walked through the field. From where I had parked the car I could see a church off in the distance. Was that the answer? I found myself wondering through Lancaster, PA on my way to a new life. My mind was both blank and racing with a million thoughts. So much had transpired within the last 24 hours.

"You have lied to us all." My mom had said as she had come to pick me up from college. (My second attempt at a higher education) "We are going to get to the bottom of this. On Monday morning we are all going to meet and discuss all that has happened." All I could think was that there was nothing in me that could face that and I began to think of taking my life. Again I had gotten myself into a situation too massive for me to walk through. I had lied to everyone about everything.... Made up tons of stories. Not even really knowing why. Was it that I thought I had to create a different life then mine so that people would be in it? Was it that my mind was so broken and incapable of living a "real" life? I didn't know at that moment. All I knew was that there was no way in hell that I was going to be around for that meeting on Monday. So suicide was the ultimate way I knew to guarantee myself of that fact. Other failed attempts flashed through my mind.

I remembered being thirteen and thinking I was pregnant. Terrified. For the "father" wasn't a boyfriend. Wasn't a friend. Wasn't somebody that sex should have ever happened with. How could I ever explain to my parents? I felt like I had ruined everyone's lives. In a dark room I sat on my floor and cried. My grandmother had walked in and questioned me on what was going on. The only words I could get out was that mom was the best mom and I didn't want to hurt her. So funny how perspective changes as I look back. Those words were out of my mouth. There was no comfort. No turning on the lights and addressing what I just had said. So typical. Isolation and loneliness had befriended me early and were my best friends. The least of my enemies.

I sat there. Thinking there was no way to face the possibility. The next day I swallowed a full bottle of pills. Had attempted to go out with my mom however the ill effects of taking so much started in and I began to get sick. We turned around and I was dropped off at the house. I went to lay down on my mother's bed. Thinking that was the most appropriate place to be found dead. The phone rang. It was an aunt who lived right around the corner. Answering the phone I explained that my mom was out and that I wasn't feeling well. The level of concern in her voice was foreign to me. I wonder to this day if something had hit her in her gut and she knew. She told me to take it easy and that she would call periodically to check in on me. I would feel myself slipping away and each time the phone would ring. It was her. Checking on me. I felt so ill. So sick. My body racked with pain. And yet her voice would woo me back from oblivion. I didn't die that day nor was I pregnant and forward through my life I traveled.

How reckless I had been so many times hoping for the end to come. And yet it didn't. This time had to be different. But could I do it? Fully go through with ending it all. And yet the prospect of going back to life on Monday felt completely unattainable.

A whisper floated through the air. Caught my ear and my attention.

Run away.

My life had never made sense to me. I had always felt out of place. Between the things people don't ever speak about that happen in so many lives and just never feeling like I ever measured up I felt lost and out of place. Something simpler. My life seemed so complicated. Granted most of that was of my making. (Well, I need to own my part anyway)

Instead of just lying about my life I was going to enter into one of my lies and play it out. ( Not that I thought that consciously back then but that is what happened) There was no thought of consequence. No thought of repercussions . Actually I thought that everyone's lives would be better if I disappeared. Disappeared for good. So I began to think it through. I can't honestly say think is the right word. That would imply sanity. Or maybe it doesn't. (That is why this part of my life is so crazy to have to write -- because looking back it all seems so insane but then .. back then ... who I was... it was survival)

I would take the car. Where did I want to go? Now please get a good laugh at this... not as an offense to these people but more as a "really," "really." I wanted to join the Amish. Their lives seemed to make the most sense to me. I wouldn't just run away from me, my life, my family.... I would run away from the world. The world as I knew it. And so that is what I did..........................................

I headed towards the church. Across a six lane highway and into a field. Focused on the white cross that was lit up by the moon. ( I had thrown away my keys, my wallet, my license.... anything that could identify me.) Towards the church I walked. I had this feeling deep inside that knowing the next day was Sunday people would come.... people would come and it would all be ok. What? I had no clue. Nor would I find out. For as I sat huddled against the wall and the concrete steps I could not manage the cold February evening. I had to get up. I began walking again. Dazed.

"What is that?" A man's voice came as the car door was opened. I had found my way onto a dirt road. A minute or so earlier I had heard a car coming. Here was my one opportunity, I could see, to get out of the cold. I had pretended to fall. The car had stopped. A man had gotten out. Started asking me questions. Was I ok? Who was I? I stared at him. Blank. No words. Nothing. I was so far gone. He and a friend of his got me into the car. I just sat there as they discussed which hospital to take me to. Having come to a decision the driver then spoke to the guy in the passenger seat, "When we get there." He said. "You stay with her...... because if you don't." Pointing back to the guy sitting next to me. "He'll hurt her." I couldn't even think at that point. So drained from all that had transpired. So dazed. But to the hospital they took me.

At one point orderlies came out and brought me into the waiting area. I sat there. Mouth shut. I did know who I was.... well, I knew who I didn't want to be.... but had no idea how I was going to navigate through all that I was faced with.

As I pushed back my life..... as I mentally walked away from everything. (As I had so often done before .. this time on a whole other level) I found a voice. And another story/lie came forth. I pretended to have been raised in the environment that I wanted to head to.... I pretended to have never known the outside modern world or anything about it. I went from the waiting room to the emergency room. Was laid down on a gurney. Examined. Who was this mystery in front of them? What had happened to me? Who was I? Where was I from? Before I knew it there were police questioning me about all sorts of things. Asking me if I was this person or that person. What was my name? Who was I? Where was I from? A nurse was standing over me. On her collar was a pin with a yellow ribbon. It was during the time of the first Persian Gulf War. I told her that it was pretty. She pointed to it and said, "oh this. It is to support the war." Words tumbled out of my mouth as I played the part I imagined. "War. What is war?"

I was being admitted as a "Jane Doe." Right before I was to be moved to a room. A request formed on my lips. "May I see a priest?" Was the question. So weird. But what about this whole thing isn't? Weird? Why? One might ask. Well, the only exposure to anything other than Judaism that I had had was through Little House on the Prairie. But yet out of my mouth it came. The night wasn't over before a man walked into the room. Kindness written all over his face. Gentleness surrounding him. He walked slowly to the bed. Pulled up a chair and sat down. I don't remember anything he said. Yet I picture him perfectly. He sat there a while and before leaving he handed me a wooden cross and a bible, prayed for me and left.

At some point I fell asleep.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Put yourself there.... JUMP!!!! Once heard a sad story about a man who had risked everything then once he had everything stopped risking and lost everything.... JUMP!!! Every Day!!!! JUMP!!!!


In the way of an introduction

As I think upon the steps that I have walked I realize that to write in my voice alone wouldn't bring forth the purposes for which I share. Walking up to the line where this story unfolds holds for me a milestone in and of itself.

A crossroads perhaps.

In the past lives a girl and a woman who lived as a shadow, not comprehending the depth or reality of life possible. Peering into the future I see a peace and a joy once thought unobtainable.

So here I stand.

I am in the middle. Traveling forward......

The desire that fills my soul is to be a voice. One that cries out into the darkness that there is a light. That no matter what the darkness has done it does not have to be the last word.

There is a place in me that is now able to bring forth the most accurate of stories. A calm that empowers me to see the roads I have traveled and the people I have walked next to..........

There are many voices. The words of those that both knew me and know me echo in my head. There are those that we journey with for brief moments in the scope of a lifetime and then there are those that are alongside and walk hand and hand. I have tried to capture their voices in the most honest of ways.

There are many who walk in the driest of places. I want to be as a watering can to you. May these words sprinkle over you and soak into you and bring forth streams of rushing living waters.

There are those who will relate more to the voices of the others than to mine. You who journey next to or along side... may these words light up your path and give you hope that even the faintest of shadows can grow into something more........................