It is so beyond the scope of the imagination all that transpired. To think upon it now even has me think it is too fantastical to have been real life. But real life it was. Who was I even that I could have done what I did and yet a chapter in my life it was.
The night was dark. The cold February wind pushed against me as I walked through the field. From where I had parked the car I could see a church off in the distance. Was that the answer? I found myself wondering through Lancaster, PA on my way to a new life. My mind was both blank and racing with a million thoughts. So much had transpired within the last 24 hours.
"You have lied to us all." My mom had said as she had come to pick me up from college. (My second attempt at a higher education) "We are going to get to the bottom of this. On Monday morning we are all going to meet and discuss all that has happened." All I could think was that there was nothing in me that could face that and I began to think of taking my life. Again I had gotten myself into a situation too massive for me to walk through. I had lied to everyone about everything.... Made up tons of stories. Not even really knowing why. Was it that I thought I had to create a different life then mine so that people would be in it? Was it that my mind was so broken and incapable of living a "real" life? I didn't know at that moment. All I knew was that there was no way in hell that I was going to be around for that meeting on Monday. So suicide was the ultimate way I knew to guarantee myself of that fact. Other failed attempts flashed through my mind.
I remembered being thirteen and thinking I was pregnant. Terrified. For the "father" wasn't a boyfriend. Wasn't a friend. Wasn't somebody that sex should have ever happened with. How could I ever explain to my parents? I felt like I had ruined everyone's lives. In a dark room I sat on my floor and cried. My grandmother had walked in and questioned me on what was going on. The only words I could get out was that mom was the best mom and I didn't want to hurt her. So funny how perspective changes as I look back. Those words were out of my mouth. There was no comfort. No turning on the lights and addressing what I just had said. So typical. Isolation and loneliness had befriended me early and were my best friends. The least of my enemies.
I sat there. Thinking there was no way to face the possibility. The next day I swallowed a full bottle of pills. Had attempted to go out with my mom however the ill effects of taking so much started in and I began to get sick. We turned around and I was dropped off at the house. I went to lay down on my mother's bed. Thinking that was the most appropriate place to be found dead. The phone rang. It was an aunt who lived right around the corner. Answering the phone I explained that my mom was out and that I wasn't feeling well. The level of concern in her voice was foreign to me. I wonder to this day if something had hit her in her gut and she knew. She told me to take it easy and that she would call periodically to check in on me. I would feel myself slipping away and each time the phone would ring. It was her. Checking on me. I felt so ill. So sick. My body racked with pain. And yet her voice would woo me back from oblivion. I didn't die that day nor was I pregnant and forward through my life I traveled.
How reckless I had been so many times hoping for the end to come. And yet it didn't. This time had to be different. But could I do it? Fully go through with ending it all. And yet the prospect of going back to life on Monday felt completely unattainable.
A whisper floated through the air. Caught my ear and my attention.
Run away.
My life had never made sense to me. I had always felt out of place. Between the things people don't ever speak about that happen in so many lives and just never feeling like I ever measured up I felt lost and out of place. Something simpler. My life seemed so complicated. Granted most of that was of my making. (Well, I need to own my part anyway)
Instead of just lying about my life I was going to enter into one of my lies and play it out. ( Not that I thought that consciously back then but that is what happened) There was no thought of consequence. No thought of repercussions . Actually I thought that everyone's lives would be better if I disappeared. Disappeared for good. So I began to think it through. I can't honestly say think is the right word. That would imply sanity. Or maybe it doesn't. (That is why this part of my life is so crazy to have to write -- because looking back it all seems so insane but then .. back then ... who I was... it was survival)
I would take the car. Where did I want to go? Now please get a good laugh at this... not as an offense to these people but more as a "really," "really." I wanted to join the Amish. Their lives seemed to make the most sense to me. I wouldn't just run away from me, my life, my family.... I would run away from the world. The world as I knew it. And so that is what I did..........................................
I headed towards the church. Across a six lane highway and into a field. Focused on the white cross that was lit up by the moon. ( I had thrown away my keys, my wallet, my license.... anything that could identify me.) Towards the church I walked. I had this feeling deep inside that knowing the next day was Sunday people would come.... people would come and it would all be ok. What? I had no clue. Nor would I find out. For as I sat huddled against the wall and the concrete steps I could not manage the cold February evening. I had to get up. I began walking again. Dazed.
"What is that?" A man's voice came as the car door was opened. I had found my way onto a dirt road. A minute or so earlier I had heard a car coming. Here was my one opportunity, I could see, to get out of the cold. I had pretended to fall. The car had stopped. A man had gotten out. Started asking me questions. Was I ok? Who was I? I stared at him. Blank. No words. Nothing. I was so far gone. He and a friend of his got me into the car. I just sat there as they discussed which hospital to take me to. Having come to a decision the driver then spoke to the guy in the passenger seat, "When we get there." He said. "You stay with her...... because if you don't." Pointing back to the guy sitting next to me. "He'll hurt her." I couldn't even think at that point. So drained from all that had transpired. So dazed. But to the hospital they took me.
At one point orderlies came out and brought me into the waiting area. I sat there. Mouth shut. I did know who I was.... well, I knew who I didn't want to be.... but had no idea how I was going to navigate through all that I was faced with.
As I pushed back my life..... as I mentally walked away from everything. (As I had so often done before .. this time on a whole other level) I found a voice. And another story/lie came forth. I pretended to have been raised in the environment that I wanted to head to.... I pretended to have never known the outside modern world or anything about it. I went from the waiting room to the emergency room. Was laid down on a gurney. Examined. Who was this mystery in front of them? What had happened to me? Who was I? Where was I from? Before I knew it there were police questioning me about all sorts of things. Asking me if I was this person or that person. What was my name? Who was I? Where was I from? A nurse was standing over me. On her collar was a pin with a yellow ribbon. It was during the time of the first Persian Gulf War. I told her that it was pretty. She pointed to it and said, "oh this. It is to support the war." Words tumbled out of my mouth as I played the part I imagined. "War. What is war?"
I was being admitted as a "Jane Doe." Right before I was to be moved to a room. A request formed on my lips. "May I see a priest?" Was the question. So weird. But what about this whole thing isn't? Weird? Why? One might ask. Well, the only exposure to anything other than Judaism that I had had was through Little House on the Prairie. But yet out of my mouth it came. The night wasn't over before a man walked into the room. Kindness written all over his face. Gentleness surrounding him. He walked slowly to the bed. Pulled up a chair and sat down. I don't remember anything he said. Yet I picture him perfectly. He sat there a while and before leaving he handed me a wooden cross and a bible, prayed for me and left.
At some point I fell asleep.
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