I needed to find simple...
I needed something that would remind me of Christ.. I needed Christ... I needed to be reminded of His beauty. I needed to see His beauty.
He is my constant. Always... I love Acapella music.. Found Pentatonix the other day and have been playing this video often ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJ_MGWio-vc
As Christmas approaches.. There is sickness, death, sin.. sorry and disappointment that swirls around me.. The traditional push of the season towards festivities and decorating and celebrating seem suffocating.. exhausting amidst the sorrow and disorientation .. Ever ending change and disorientation in a world that offers little comfort...
I turn to simple... I turn to Him who picked up the dust of the earth and breathing His breath forged His stamp and image upon creatures that He called very good.. Tonight.. I try to see as He would see.. I try to see the "very good."
I have nothing to bring.. The truth is none of us do.. Some of us put on a better show than others but the truth is there are many great showmen out there peddling their wares...
I ache and I long for the authentic Christ to emerge upon the scene... Some would say it is going to prayer, others would say it is going to serving the poor, others would name and claim ..... Still I look for the place where the people arose and said of Christ that He was not like their scribes but spoke as one who had real authority...
The authority and love of Heaven not just coming in a moment but coming and flowing....
I need to find the place where authenticity isn't just the catch phrase of the day but a life lived.. within myself and those I would walk with....the person who would present upon the stage is the same as the person they are when they would sit in the green room ( where a morphing of performance and persona doesn't just erupt upon the stage but is lived out continuously full of a grace not taken to places where it doesn't belong .. ie, excuses for sin.. but catapults towards life.. REAL LIFE.)
He called us, "very good." He spoke over us.. "very good." He, knowing us intimately and intrinsically, proclaimed about that which He created to bear His image.. "very good."
There is joy to be found in that profound reality.. There is beauty to behold that even though tarnished and seemingly darkened.. His proclamation would be that we are all together beautiful without spot or blemish... In a time when that reality "feels" the furthest away..
I turn to the darkness, the sorrow, the death .. the sickness.. the gloom of the day and I find joy.. I find beauty.. I declare beauty for ashes... I turn to the world and proclaim that it does not get to dictate reality.. that the reality was laid firm on those very first minutes of creation and I will by His grace not proclaim something contrary to His desire...
It isn't about prayer.. It isn't about service to the poor.. It isn't about any one thing in particular it is about it all as it pertains to Christ and our Father's deepest heart's desire..
I get simple.. I cling to joy and discover beauty...
Micah 6:8 (The Message)
But he’s already made it plain how to live, what to do,
what God is looking for in men and women.
It’s quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor,
be compassionate and loyal in your love,
And don’t take yourself too seriously—
take God seriously.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Friday, November 29, 2013
Going back to when I didn't know...
I'll never forget the day, when I listened to a co-ed express how she had lied upon her application, it was to gain entrance to the Christian college that we were both attending way back when.
Way back then I didn't know much....
I had had a visitation..
I had prayed a prayer that I didn't even know had a name.. (ie the Sinner's prayer)..
I had spoken words out of desperation...
I had asked if He had existed...
In seconds I knew 5 things...
There was a God
It had to do with Jesus Christ
It had to do with the cross
It had to do with the bible..
He was going to lead me somewhere to teach me more about Himself....
I had thought that last thing was the first place I would go to learn.. (said Christian college referenced above..) I didn't realize it was an invitation to the life I was going to live....
But before I knew anything...
Before I knew official prayer
Before I knew how to tell the story of my "getting saved."
I knew I loved Him....
I knew He answered to me when I called
That was enough....
Back to my story that I shared... the co-ed who had lied.. back then I didn't get it.. why would she lie? Why would she have to? Sadly, two decades later I get it....
Back then I didn't...
I hadn't realized that my visitation now classified me as a Christian...
So when I called said school my question was, "I'm Jewish can I even come to your school."
I hadn't realized that my visitation now classified me as one who had a "relationship" with God.
So when I had to write an essay "describing my relationship with God," I wrote that I didn't have one but explained about what was happening in my life...
I hadn't realized that I had been "born again."
So when having to fill out a survey answering that question if I had ever had a "born again" experience, I wrote, "no," isn't that a cult.
I hadn't realized that I had prayed the most profound prayer I would ever pray.
So I wept not thinking I knew how to pray.
I hadn't realized that I had admitted my utmost need...............
In my not knowing I knew....... In my innocence I trusted... In my new found faith I leapt...
Twenty years plus later I am embracing the truth and reality of the fact that I have learned to "know" things... except I step back and away and go back to those first few moments where I knew not anything and was known by God...
"we know that we all have knowledge. Knowledge makes arrogant, but love edifies. 2If anyone supposes that he knows anything, he has not yet known as he ought to know; 3but if anyone loves God, he is known by Him.…" (1 Corinthians 8:2)
Let no man deceive himself. If any man among you thinks that he is wise in this age, he must become foolish, so that he may become wise. (1 Corinthians 3:18)
Way back then I didn't know much....
I had had a visitation..
I had prayed a prayer that I didn't even know had a name.. (ie the Sinner's prayer)..
I had spoken words out of desperation...
I had asked if He had existed...
In seconds I knew 5 things...
There was a God
It had to do with Jesus Christ
It had to do with the cross
It had to do with the bible..
He was going to lead me somewhere to teach me more about Himself....
I had thought that last thing was the first place I would go to learn.. (said Christian college referenced above..) I didn't realize it was an invitation to the life I was going to live....
But before I knew anything...
Before I knew official prayer
Before I knew how to tell the story of my "getting saved."
I knew I loved Him....
I knew He answered to me when I called
That was enough....
Back to my story that I shared... the co-ed who had lied.. back then I didn't get it.. why would she lie? Why would she have to? Sadly, two decades later I get it....
Back then I didn't...
I hadn't realized that my visitation now classified me as a Christian...
So when I called said school my question was, "I'm Jewish can I even come to your school."
I hadn't realized that my visitation now classified me as one who had a "relationship" with God.
So when I had to write an essay "describing my relationship with God," I wrote that I didn't have one but explained about what was happening in my life...
I hadn't realized that I had been "born again."
So when having to fill out a survey answering that question if I had ever had a "born again" experience, I wrote, "no," isn't that a cult.
I hadn't realized that I had prayed the most profound prayer I would ever pray.
So I wept not thinking I knew how to pray.
I hadn't realized that I had admitted my utmost need...............
In my not knowing I knew....... In my innocence I trusted... In my new found faith I leapt...
Twenty years plus later I am embracing the truth and reality of the fact that I have learned to "know" things... except I step back and away and go back to those first few moments where I knew not anything and was known by God...
"we know that we all have knowledge. Knowledge makes arrogant, but love edifies. 2If anyone supposes that he knows anything, he has not yet known as he ought to know; 3but if anyone loves God, he is known by Him.…" (1 Corinthians 8:2)
AND
I'm not standing at that first window when unknowingly I prayed a prayer that would forever altar the course of my life. I'm standing at a new door. Praying a prayer that I plead alters the course of my life.....
Thursday, November 28, 2013
When things have been decimated... Or in search of Samoset or Squanto...
I battled with the Lord this morning... As I awoke, I had the culmination of weeks of thought come together for a blog post. Why did I battle ? Read on....
The last couple of weeks have been a very interesting mix. Many thoughts. Lots of reading. Lots of soul searching. Nothing was to be left sacred in my belief/life except for the fact that I have a husband and 6 kids and believe thoroughly in Jesus Christ.
Maybe thanksgiving morning isn't the time to post such a blog but that is where you get the option to not read.... My friend shared from the stage last Sunday about the pilgrims. Just briefly talking about the 50 who out survived and out lasted their 70 friends in order to be able to "celebrate" the first thankgiving. 120 people. 50 survivors... I want to be snarky here and say that none of them won the 1,000,000 prize....
But they came together to give thanks... So I looked up my puritan brothers and William Bradford and found a simple article, http://www.historylearningsite.co.uk/The-Pilgrim-Fathers.htm . It's a very small synopsis and doesn't at all go into any depth. But for my point I wasn't looking for depth just basic information. What I found were some quotes that hit a spot.
When this article sums up the Pilgrims plights in England as, "These people were the Pilgrim Fathers. The Pilgrim Fathers saw little chance of England becoming a country in which they wished to live. They viewed it as un-Godly and moving from a bad to worse state. The Pilgrim Fathers believed that a new start in the New World was their only chance." It doesn't do their plight justice.
But this blog isn't a history lesson.. Go research what was happening to these people of faith and why they had to leave England to save their lives....
So back to my life.... Well, two decades of ministry have left me with many questions. Through repentance and forgiveness and lots of prayer...I have come to places that contain more gratitude than bitterness. But for me things can not stay the same....
When the ground of my life has been decimated and foundations brought back down to earth, I have lifted my eyes to the Heavens. There is ground that can't be built upon. Some of that ground can't ever be built upon again. It's gone.... It isn't a bad thing... it is just where things are...
I have built wrongly in the past. The truth is I will build wrongly again. Hopefully not as much.
There are lessons I hope I have learned... Pilgrims learned the "seeds" brought over from England wouldn't work in the soil of the New America. And they needed the natives help... A Native American called Squanto helped those Pilgrim Fathers who survived the harsh winter." (again very elementary.. but again NOT a history lesson.)
"Lord, whose my Squanto?"
"Who are the natives?"
From Matthew 11:29 I got my answer......
AND
There are many lessons I bring forward... A very wise friend of mine once gave me the best instructions to survive professional ministry.... learn what to do and what not to do.. Keep eyes open and mouths shut.. I do better with eyes open than I do with mouths shut..... JUST SAYING
For me I am searching out the heart of God... What does it mean to serve God... What do I believe.. How am I to live... What is it to look like in my life.... There are some givens.. I'm not playing with those but when there is the New Monastic movement and Shane Claiborne on one side of the spectrum and the Joel Osteens and Steven Furticks on the other side and lots of in between for me I must find the elements of expression that are forged in the Father's heart.....
It's going to take a while.... And while neither Queen Elizabeth I nor King James is looking to take my life, I feel the depth of need for an orientation of service that will fill out my life...
When things have been decimated... when the terrains of life become waste places all I have found to do that is profitable is to wait upon the Lord... Try to plant that which I have to give and move forward through each obstacle that presents itself... BUT waiting upon the Lord... Waiting upon Him.. He renews strength.. And with new strength I am finding the capacity to arise and take action.....
There is a core hunger for an expression of the Father within my life and overflow that will not be satisfied... A desire towards investigation of spirit and truth.... The people exclaimed of Jesus that He was unlike their scribes.. He spoke as one with authority... Where is that authority upon the earth being demonstrated? I believe the Kingdom of God has both come and is at hand... What is the expression to look like?
I'm no theologian, that list could go on and on about the things I am not.. But walking the last season of years have left me hungry and there is a promise that I will be satisfied. (Luke 6:21) And I can be like Peter and John without official education... (Acts 4:13) and give what I do have....
What will it look like? I certainly don't know.. In the words of Jasmine, a Disney princess, "It's a whole new world." Taking it more seriously... absolutely... But I'll quote who I'll quote and I'll find my way....
I am grateful .. grateful for the wildernesses that have taught me to lean.. grateful for the whispers that have come in the desolation... grateful for the faithfulness of the Lord who will not abandon me to the ways of man but who leads me forward in search of His heart...
The wilderness has taught me many things... Gratitude is essential as is joy... Strength is imparted as is wisdom.. Hearts are forged and a determination to strike out and survive is made fast...
Enjoy thanksgiving... but don't be trite... This year has seen a lot of decimation in the lives of those we love.. celebrate the victory of having made it through...
The last couple of weeks have been a very interesting mix. Many thoughts. Lots of reading. Lots of soul searching. Nothing was to be left sacred in my belief/life except for the fact that I have a husband and 6 kids and believe thoroughly in Jesus Christ.
Maybe thanksgiving morning isn't the time to post such a blog but that is where you get the option to not read.... My friend shared from the stage last Sunday about the pilgrims. Just briefly talking about the 50 who out survived and out lasted their 70 friends in order to be able to "celebrate" the first thankgiving. 120 people. 50 survivors... I want to be snarky here and say that none of them won the 1,000,000 prize....
But they came together to give thanks... So I looked up my puritan brothers and William Bradford and found a simple article, http://www.historylearningsite.co.uk/The-Pilgrim-Fathers.htm . It's a very small synopsis and doesn't at all go into any depth. But for my point I wasn't looking for depth just basic information. What I found were some quotes that hit a spot.
When this article sums up the Pilgrims plights in England as, "These people were the Pilgrim Fathers. The Pilgrim Fathers saw little chance of England becoming a country in which they wished to live. They viewed it as un-Godly and moving from a bad to worse state. The Pilgrim Fathers believed that a new start in the New World was their only chance." It doesn't do their plight justice.
But this blog isn't a history lesson.. Go research what was happening to these people of faith and why they had to leave England to save their lives....
So back to my life.... Well, two decades of ministry have left me with many questions. Through repentance and forgiveness and lots of prayer...I have come to places that contain more gratitude than bitterness. But for me things can not stay the same....
When the ground of my life has been decimated and foundations brought back down to earth, I have lifted my eyes to the Heavens. There is ground that can't be built upon. Some of that ground can't ever be built upon again. It's gone.... It isn't a bad thing... it is just where things are...
I have built wrongly in the past. The truth is I will build wrongly again. Hopefully not as much.
There are lessons I hope I have learned... Pilgrims learned the "seeds" brought over from England wouldn't work in the soil of the New America. And they needed the natives help... A Native American called Squanto helped those Pilgrim Fathers who survived the harsh winter." (again very elementary.. but again NOT a history lesson.)
"Lord, whose my Squanto?"
"Who are the natives?"
From Matthew 11:29 I got my answer......
"Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS.
John 16:13 gave answers.....
"But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth; for He will not speak on His own initiative, but whatever He hears, He will speak; and He will disclose to you what is to come.
For me I am searching out the heart of God... What does it mean to serve God... What do I believe.. How am I to live... What is it to look like in my life.... There are some givens.. I'm not playing with those but when there is the New Monastic movement and Shane Claiborne on one side of the spectrum and the Joel Osteens and Steven Furticks on the other side and lots of in between for me I must find the elements of expression that are forged in the Father's heart.....
It's going to take a while.... And while neither Queen Elizabeth I nor King James is looking to take my life, I feel the depth of need for an orientation of service that will fill out my life...
When things have been decimated... when the terrains of life become waste places all I have found to do that is profitable is to wait upon the Lord... Try to plant that which I have to give and move forward through each obstacle that presents itself... BUT waiting upon the Lord... Waiting upon Him.. He renews strength.. And with new strength I am finding the capacity to arise and take action.....
There is a core hunger for an expression of the Father within my life and overflow that will not be satisfied... A desire towards investigation of spirit and truth.... The people exclaimed of Jesus that He was unlike their scribes.. He spoke as one with authority... Where is that authority upon the earth being demonstrated? I believe the Kingdom of God has both come and is at hand... What is the expression to look like?
I'm no theologian, that list could go on and on about the things I am not.. But walking the last season of years have left me hungry and there is a promise that I will be satisfied. (Luke 6:21) And I can be like Peter and John without official education... (Acts 4:13) and give what I do have....
What will it look like? I certainly don't know.. In the words of Jasmine, a Disney princess, "It's a whole new world." Taking it more seriously... absolutely... But I'll quote who I'll quote and I'll find my way....
I am grateful .. grateful for the wildernesses that have taught me to lean.. grateful for the whispers that have come in the desolation... grateful for the faithfulness of the Lord who will not abandon me to the ways of man but who leads me forward in search of His heart...
The wilderness has taught me many things... Gratitude is essential as is joy... Strength is imparted as is wisdom.. Hearts are forged and a determination to strike out and survive is made fast...
Enjoy thanksgiving... but don't be trite... This year has seen a lot of decimation in the lives of those we love.. celebrate the victory of having made it through...
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
I come from Laughter... November 27.... What joy really looks like.. Play more... THE JOY CHALLENGE
I'm not the play kind of person... AT ALL.. seriously.. I'm not... Even with the six kids it has always been hard for me to get down on the ground and play.. or pull out the finger paints and do the arts and crafts thing... I'm not a baker.. I'm not a whole lot of things.... I'm truly a couch potato who could be happy with a laptop and music and quiet contemplation... I really should have been some mystic monk out somewhere else not a mom of 6 kids with a very earthy life...
EXCEPT...
Oh gosh without them .. without those 6 kids I wouldn't be alive... not really...
As more and more of life has gone very wrong, the one thing I hear the most consistently from the Lord is the word.. PLAY....
On the days where nothing could go right and everything was only going very wrong I would feel within the depths of me to get small and find joy... Go search for joy... Every day no matter what was going on around me the search and discovery was to find joy... More was the occasion to shut down the laptop, step away from the notebooks, power off the phone and go research JOY.... GO experience JOY....
PLAY became powerful
Laughter erupted on the days that I thought could only hold things that were bleak and daunting...
A pervading peace rolled in powering away the dark ominous clouds and I found the ability to breath....
PLAY...
I climbed a tree...
Got down with chalk
Sung kids songs at the top of my voice as Lizzie and I walked from the parking lot of her preschool into the classroom.. Oh YES .. I did,,,
Skidamarink a dink a dink
Skidamarink a do
I love you
OR
Skip skip skip to my lou
Skip skip skip to my lou
Skip skip skip to my lou
Skip to my lou my darling...
I love Lizzie how about you..
I love Lizzie you should too..
I love Lizzie I'll scream til I'm blue
Skip to my lou my darling...
Twirling... swirling.. laughter...
It didn't change circumstances...
There are still so very many problems that seem insurmountable and heart ache and sickness that surround me... And times when they close in and the thought of play seems reprehensible...
BUT what I found out was that in those moments... even as tears fall fast and furious .. and grief seems as it will never be washed away .. loss seems as if it will only ever continue and the landscape of life will only continue to be scattered with gruesome reality... What becomes paramount to existence is to find out how to incorporate play into all aspects of life then...
No I didn't become the mom of the year with baking marathons and art projects galore... I searched out and discovered what PLAY would be for me and took deep breaths and dared to find joy amidst the unceasing storms..
I dared to laugh, I dared to enjoy, I dared to eclipse sorrow with song and in those moments found a melody that could carry me upon its wings and cause me to soar above troubles... I arose upon wings of eagles and touch triumph...
Jesus laughing is one of my favorite pictures.. Jesus turning water into wine at the wedding so indicative of the heart of the future bridegroom.... Jesus pulling the little children up upon His lap...
Life is so heavy... and the trials and tribulations and situations and circumstances that are before our eyes heart breaking.. in the midst of grief.. in the midst of sin.. in the midst of horror or just plain drudgery... Dare to play.. Dare to touch joy ... Dare to imbibe ....
Circumstances are still what they are and situations haven't changed but I'm remembering that I come forth from laughter and while there are moments where the tears and the trembling wreck havoc with my heart and body... I turn my tear stained face to the Heavens and remember, "this I call to mind and therefore I have hope.. " the lovingkindnesses of God are new every morning and GREAT is His faithfulness unto me....
Today... as we near the end of our 30 day challenge towards JOY... REMEMBER...... PLAY
EXCEPT...
Oh gosh without them .. without those 6 kids I wouldn't be alive... not really...
As more and more of life has gone very wrong, the one thing I hear the most consistently from the Lord is the word.. PLAY....
On the days where nothing could go right and everything was only going very wrong I would feel within the depths of me to get small and find joy... Go search for joy... Every day no matter what was going on around me the search and discovery was to find joy... More was the occasion to shut down the laptop, step away from the notebooks, power off the phone and go research JOY.... GO experience JOY....
PLAY became powerful
Laughter erupted on the days that I thought could only hold things that were bleak and daunting...
A pervading peace rolled in powering away the dark ominous clouds and I found the ability to breath....
PLAY...
I climbed a tree...
Got down with chalk
Sung kids songs at the top of my voice as Lizzie and I walked from the parking lot of her preschool into the classroom.. Oh YES .. I did,,,
Skidamarink a dink a dink
Skidamarink a do
I love you
OR
Skip skip skip to my lou
Skip skip skip to my lou
Skip skip skip to my lou
Skip to my lou my darling...
I love Lizzie how about you..
I love Lizzie you should too..
I love Lizzie I'll scream til I'm blue
Skip to my lou my darling...
Twirling... swirling.. laughter...
It didn't change circumstances...
There are still so very many problems that seem insurmountable and heart ache and sickness that surround me... And times when they close in and the thought of play seems reprehensible...
BUT what I found out was that in those moments... even as tears fall fast and furious .. and grief seems as it will never be washed away .. loss seems as if it will only ever continue and the landscape of life will only continue to be scattered with gruesome reality... What becomes paramount to existence is to find out how to incorporate play into all aspects of life then...
No I didn't become the mom of the year with baking marathons and art projects galore... I searched out and discovered what PLAY would be for me and took deep breaths and dared to find joy amidst the unceasing storms..
I dared to laugh, I dared to enjoy, I dared to eclipse sorrow with song and in those moments found a melody that could carry me upon its wings and cause me to soar above troubles... I arose upon wings of eagles and touch triumph...
Jesus laughing is one of my favorite pictures.. Jesus turning water into wine at the wedding so indicative of the heart of the future bridegroom.... Jesus pulling the little children up upon His lap...
Life is so heavy... and the trials and tribulations and situations and circumstances that are before our eyes heart breaking.. in the midst of grief.. in the midst of sin.. in the midst of horror or just plain drudgery... Dare to play.. Dare to touch joy ... Dare to imbibe ....
Circumstances are still what they are and situations haven't changed but I'm remembering that I come forth from laughter and while there are moments where the tears and the trembling wreck havoc with my heart and body... I turn my tear stained face to the Heavens and remember, "this I call to mind and therefore I have hope.. " the lovingkindnesses of God are new every morning and GREAT is His faithfulness unto me....
Today... as we near the end of our 30 day challenge towards JOY... REMEMBER...... PLAY
Tuesday, November 26, 2013
Because your hungry.. But you don't have to sell your birthright for a bowl of soup...
So silence and solitude.... the two words that are before me.. How does a mom of 6 get that? Honestly I'm not sure... and being about to embark upon a road trip for the holidays.. again I don't know.. except I'm taking the moments... shutting out and shutting up. There are times and moments where those are the only two crutches that I can walk with....
The other day the Lord had me thinking about Esau and how in his hunger he sold his birthright for a bowl of food. There was a moment of hunger. His momentary hunger dictated everything to him. It was real. It was what he felt. The bowl of soup meant more to him then his identity. His birthright's worth meant nothing to him, nothing more than a bowl of soup...
What do I daily sell out my birthright for? What do I so easily give away? What don't I push back upon and what do I cling to?
The other day the Lord had me thinking about Esau and how in his hunger he sold his birthright for a bowl of food. There was a moment of hunger. His momentary hunger dictated everything to him. It was real. It was what he felt. The bowl of soup meant more to him then his identity. His birthright's worth meant nothing to him, nothing more than a bowl of soup...
What do I daily sell out my birthright for? What do I so easily give away? What don't I push back upon and what do I cling to?
I'll give it to Esau that he wanted what he could see.. He wanted what would satisfy.. He wasn't thinking long term.. He was thinking, hunger.. NOW... Fill it... And there was his brother willing to gain...
There is an eternal perspective.. A
heavenly perspective within that story that I truly feel like I
need to capture.. because I sell out my birthright for momentary
earthly gain... we feed a hunger, a need, a want because we want, we
need and we hunger. Thinking more of the moment than eternity.
There are moments where I would love that there would be an immediate answer or filling of a desperate need.... It isn't those moments that scare me though... The moments that scare me are the moments when that immediate answer presents itself... "Here...." Says it... Why go into a wilderness for 40 days and face trials and temptations? Why not just take for yourself? It will surely feel better.. Your hunger/need will go away...
The birthright of overcomer.. the birthright of son or daughter .. Is stolen in those moments... Momentary relief followed by consequences beyond imagination....
The stomach gets full but the soul is left wanting....
It can be ministry as much as it can be sex, it can be food as much as it can be drugs, it can be alcohol as much as it can be diet soda... Whatever we fill that need with BUT God... we sacrifice who we are on an altar that is not of God...
It is hard to stand hungry
It is brutal to stand cold
It is scary to stand lonely
It is sad to stand in grief
At some point I must choose that who I am is more important then hunger, that who I am is more important then granting to myself some momentary false comfort... at some point I must turn my back away from a culture and an enemy that taunts and says, "turn these stones into bread." And at some point I must believe that having asked for bread He will not give me a stone.... At some point I must choose that who He is is faithful, that who He is is good... That who He is is worth waiting for ....
I must believe that
My right to new birth was granted by one who gave all He had ... a price beyond comprehension and my most fervent prayer has become for strength that in the immediate I would not disregard such a gift....
It is hard to stand hungry
It is brutal to stand cold
It is scary to stand lonely
It is sad to stand in grief
At some point I must choose that who I am is more important then hunger, that who I am is more important then granting to myself some momentary false comfort... at some point I must turn my back away from a culture and an enemy that taunts and says, "turn these stones into bread." And at some point I must believe that having asked for bread He will not give me a stone.... At some point I must choose that who He is is faithful, that who He is is good... That who He is is worth waiting for ....
I must believe that
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
“Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth.
“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
I don't have to sell my birthright as to not be hungry... I must allow hunger as to enter into my birthright...
I don't have to sell my birthright as to not be lonely and grief stricken.. I must mourn as to receive comfort...
Thursday, November 21, 2013
I Come From Laughter... November 21, 2013 ... What joy really looks like.. The Joy Challenge..
Joy isn't fluff.
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Joy isn't necessarily giddy, and laughter, and play...
Joy is a substantial force for which I am grateful....
Joy arrives as an opportunity ..
Joy arrives as a choice...
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Joy arrives and says risk choosing me again and again and again...
I look at joy and say YES.. Yes, I will risk upon you again, Yes, I will let you touch my heart.. yes, I will let you be my strength... I will let you be my song...
Joy isn't because anything is going right or well.. Joy just is...
1) Joy today is 21 years of marriage... good, bad, great and ugly.. but 21 years together none the less... it is 21 years ... I have been married for as many years as I wasn't... Joy is walking along side someone who has seen you at your best and your worst and is still willing to take the next step...
2)Listening to my husband read to me.. FAVORITE past time and not so past time... I love his voice
3)I touched joy today when I paused and caught my breathe, looked up at the sky and saw it was blue..
4)Joy is knowing that you have friends that can see your house a complete mess .. that can see you a complete mess...
5) Joy is a nap
6) Joy is a shower
7) Joy is seeing the heart of God for someone else
8)Joy is the color orange (and purple)
9) Joy is the promise that lo He is with me always
10) Joy is a warm house
11)Joy is comfy PJs
12) Joy is the unexpected pleasure of a friend just dropping by
13) Joy is having shoes
14) Joy is eating popcorn
15) Joy is seeing the woods and going for a walk
16) Joy is simple homework that I can help with
17) Joy is my husband letting me warm my cold feet up against his leg
18)Joy is watching Greg and Lizzie play with ornaments and letting them...
19) Joy is playing legos
20) Joy is encountering deer that are so familiar with human beings that they barely look up and acknowledge me.. yes, we have probably close to 10 deer that wander around our house on any given day and don't run away immediately when we come out or our dog barks... pretty crazy
21) Joy is realizing I could learn a lot from those deer....
When the shock sets in...
There are times I wonder if I should keep my mouth shut... and I am sure there are times when I should and I don't and times when I do that I shouldn't...
Tonight I can't tell which one should apply...
Maybe that it is my key to not write and play it safe.. but I'm not a real play it safe kind of girl... and there is so much upon my heart and floating around in my head that if I don't write I will burst. While I publish this blog and I am aware of the fact that it is not a private journal.. It is my way of sorting things out... Read or don't read that would be your choice... My choice is that I need the comfort of closing my eyes and feeling my fingers dance upon the keys, I need to bring letters into words into sentences..... This truly isn't for you.. this is sincerely for me...
The range of topics upon my heart these days run such a wide gamut... And even as I begin to write tonight I can see so very many different trails upon which my heart hungers to go down.. I reach a bottle neck in writing for a variety of reasons.. Times of being really busy, times where I don't know what to say, times I am trying to be wise and not come and write because my heart just doesn't feel like it is in the right place and there are times to be silent and times to speak...
I found myself lost today.. staring at a table, staring at the blue sky, staring..... no thoughts.. just staring... If I am honest it isn't just today... and there are days upon days where I have just sat and dazed.. not meditated.. not paused.. dazed...
My heart is heavy with grief... and my eyes are full of sorrow...
Someone told me recently some advice they were given in regards to one scenario that is in my life right now.. It's a marathon not a sprint.... I've been clinging to that... I've never run a marathon but I have talked to people who have and I get the analogy... At some point it hurts to keep running.. at some point the finish line doesn't seem to ever come.... at some point you are keenly aware of every breath.. every muscle.. every movement and yet you keep going.... One can not survive a marathon if the pace that is taken is that of a sprint, one has to be wise...
I guess I kept thinking that something was going to return to normal.. What I am realizing is that it isn't... There will be a new normal... But it won't ever be the same ever again... There are moments that were before and now there are moments after and moments to come...
It was like that when my biological father died.. life would never be the same... life continued and moved forward but the course altered drastically and the shock of that season and the ripple affects went on and on for quite some time...
So now I find myself wanting "normal" and wanting "familiar" and those things are not going to be in my path.. they aren't... I can continue to live in a daze.. a fog and I am sure there will be plenty of moments where that will be the case.. but there are also moments I must keep running... The finish line hasn't been crossed and while the terrain seems unbearable it MUST be transversed... There isn't another option...
So I realize shock has set in.. I realize there isn't anything I can do to get anything back to what it was and what it will be hasn't been determined yet.... I realize I will not be the life of the party any time soon... I realize that I am weak.. I realize that I'm sad .. I realize that I must mourn...
Today I come to terms with the fact that shock has set in... and that the road ahead is not familiar nor is it one that I would have necessarily chosen 100%... I gasp out a prayer for grace... I sit and contemplate mercy... tenderlovingkindnesses of the Lord that never cease... Tonight I curl up upon my sofa and I stop fighting to be strong and let Him be strong for me.. Tonight I cease striving and admit that He is God and I am not and that without Him I am screwed.... Tonight I weep with those who weep...
One day there will be a new normal.. Tonight, tomorrow.. next week.. next month it isn't going to be that.... But one day.. one day when I'm not even fully aware I will pause and realize I have touched something familiar and a new normal will have begun....
Shock has set in.... the realization that I have fought to keep it at bay and I can't keep it at bay has arrived... the onus is now upon me to call to mind God's faithfulness.. His truth, His ways... Him... His love... Shock has set in and while it is suffocating and completely disorienting I do acknowledge that He is the way, the truth and the light...
In the times when the darkness seems so grand and the path a head seems only bleak... I think to myself about those living in the land of death shade and how upon them a light dawned and cling to the reality that Christ brings an orientation out of sorrow... He was a man of many sorrows and so He gets it....
I don't have a "normal" now and "familiar" isn't the word I can use to describe my life.... But I can find an oasis of grace and I am learning that in the acknowledgement I need not fear .. nor need I be afraid... I do know that this will pass... I don't know what the picture will look like to emerge from these times but I know there is a picture to be had.... He knows the plans He has for me and they are plans to not bring harm but to bring hope and a future to my life..... I will wait upon Him for only with Him are found the words of life and He is the place from which my help comes from....
I look forward to the day when I am reoriented to that which life will be and I acknowledge that disorientation and reorientation will be a process through which I will continue to walk.. I pray that His joy will be my strength and that His perfect love will cast out fear....
In the times when the darkness seems so grand and the path a head seems only bleak... I think to myself about those living in the land of death shade and how upon them a light dawned and cling to the reality that Christ brings an orientation out of sorrow... He was a man of many sorrows and so He gets it....
I don't have a "normal" now and "familiar" isn't the word I can use to describe my life.... But I can find an oasis of grace and I am learning that in the acknowledgement I need not fear .. nor need I be afraid... I do know that this will pass... I don't know what the picture will look like to emerge from these times but I know there is a picture to be had.... He knows the plans He has for me and they are plans to not bring harm but to bring hope and a future to my life..... I will wait upon Him for only with Him are found the words of life and He is the place from which my help comes from....
I look forward to the day when I am reoriented to that which life will be and I acknowledge that disorientation and reorientation will be a process through which I will continue to walk.. I pray that His joy will be my strength and that His perfect love will cast out fear....
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