There is this struggle deep within me right now and I am convinced of this that at the other side of this journey is me walking with the Lord in ways I would have never fathomed, but always desired. That is what keeps my feet upon this path of discovery.
I'm shaking as the whispers of my Heavenly Father form out my heart... "It's about control, Miriam." And then for the second time in a month I pause to the depth and degree that I did at that moment.. knowing He is up to more than I could possibly fathom. He is pushing forward. He is pushing deep into places of my heart that I do not want to truly tread upon. The first time it was Jesus walking up in a vision standing with my earthly father and all that that experience encompassed. Now it is my Creator calling me by my name that I do not use.
"It's about control." He repeated. Then He looked at me, and such a knowing glance transpired between us... "Mims, it is about control." What words within a blog can not express to you, what maybe words spoken, even if I was with you, would need so much context to explain, what words fail .. WHEN words fail.. There abides a solid expression of tangible confidence within the silence, within the gaze.
To be told in tones of kindness and generosity and strength and purity and love to cease striving and acknowledge the reality of His Lordship, to be not afraid BUT to trust.. to lean... to be one who is whispered to, to be one who is satisfied....
This journey has been some what brutal. There are skill sets that I walk within, that while I can excel in them, they are not my preference. I was sitting at a meeting and a dear friend began to speak about what she was seeing in me, and I looked at her and said, "You, don't understand.. I hate this part of me."
I'm not one who uses the word, "hate," loosely. But as the words fell from my mouth I had to acknowledge that it went beyond hatred. I abhorred that part of me that can see and order and administrate. I am soooo very much more comfortable with being the proverbial mystic in a quiet contemplative place. The two DO NOT seem to ever get married.
Thoughts along these lines were forming out within my being this morning when the Father came and His presence filled out the room and again, again.... Again... I felt the most intrinsic me that I am ever ever going to be... IN His presence ...... In His presence I find myself within His gaze... I find myself within His presence... I find myself within the reality that is Him... and when in these moments His presence fills out and overtakes space and time I am made new... I am made awake!
That is when the Father not only told me it was about control but called me by my name, a name I really don't ever use. A name I have rarely but maybe one other time heard Him call me....
Can you feel the difference in your body when you are in control and leading your life versus the Lord being in that place? I am thinking through that process and trying to come up with some exercises to help identify the process. One is so very different then the other and I desire to walk through my days in the other more and more... I can tell the difference and with prayer and meditation and taking Selah moments.. pausing... I can enter in but how can I live there? And can I?
But getting back... I have felt the mystic in me and the administrator in me go to war.... and I see the path of healing.. it is not hard for me to step away from the systems... it IS hard for me to walk in and around them. Then again, my Father ... filled out the room and caused my gaze to return to Him and my heart to start beating in rhythm with His.. and again, He spoke, "It is about control." And then again, "Miriam.. It is about control."
As much as I would wish to never emerge from these moments, my heart ached as the Lord of my heart called me by a name that really only contains within it pain and irritation.
In that moment there was so much I wanted to say and do and at the same time there was nothing for me to say nor do, well, not nothing. There was a choice.. not a passive reception but an aggressive submission to that which He wanted to explode into the reality of my heart and mind.
His grace made it possible and obvious to choose the later.... So I sat and waited for Him to say more...
His invitation is to trust.
My view as administration is getting things done... creating a list.. having an agenda... being in charge.. and in control and getting things done... I view life as a contemplative one as resting quietly within His presence and adoring Him and walking in Heavenly places and walking in and around His heart.. and being with Him and relishing in the presence of His thoughts... relishing in the presence of His glory.... I view administration as living from the head and being a place of force and competency. I view administration as the capacity to take control and get things done and look back with a satisfaction of all that I have accomplished. He is asking of me to see the blend... and but sitting with Him covered by His presence it feels insurmountable.
The path for me will be one of divine healing. This path is taking me upon a road and while I have walked many a path of healing and deliverance, I have never walked one quite like this before... It is more unknown then I have ever seen... it is full of more trust... it is full of more of a reliance upon Him then I maybe even ever wanted.... But yet always wanted somewhere within... This feels like embarking upon more of a letting go then I have ever felt ...
Trust hasn't been easy to come by, even with this One, this Abba who comes and saturates my room and sits with me and addresses me forward and calls me by name...
There isn't a fabulous summation either... welcome.. to the journey that the "that," and the discovery of "honesty," is being to look like.... I always think these invitations of His are going to be so other and so different than what they ever are... I am truly grateful for that fact...
As I end this post I share with you this picture..... Elizabeth's teacher has told her that these younger kids may not use the monkey bars as they don't want them to get hurt... We are told by the church and the world to not touch "these monkey bars" because we will get hurt.. we are told by systems that benefit from staying in place to not leave the ground and trust that a strength will exist that will help you across... We are told play it safe.. stay on the ground.. stay with what is known.. what you know...
The Father rarely has ever called me "Miriam," He has rarely ever so beckoned me forward to merge the contemplative side of me with the administrative side of me, He has rarely been as adamant with me to see these things... I'll tell you this... Never have I ever understand more fully that IT IS His kindness that brings one to repentance.. I would not even attempt at this point in my life to express what the depth of His kindness and generosity and love feel like in these moments of wooing... But I would say this BE WOOED...
No comments:
Post a Comment