It's been a while... the stuff of life creeps in and this place of beauty for me gets pushed out... but writing is a huge portion of my worship to Him and so coming back to it feels like a reunion of sorts....
We ( my husband and I with Stir The Water.. the ministry my husband founded and directs) have been traveling and doing some teaching and stuff here and there.... work doesn't have to be busy to keep me busy with our family of 6 children but it does end up teaching me that I have to learn to fill my life with intentionality at times.....
Within this time the moments where I just sit on the floor playing blocks or go to the park and swing one or the other little ones have been precious.... but recently as I went about sitting on the floor playing with cars and dolls and blocks Father spoke the clearest... "I will meet you here.... I will always meet you here." His presence stronger upon the room and I soaked in it... then again on another day when we found ourselves sitting and being together.. His joy filled the room and again through His laughter and His joy "I will meet you here... I will always meet you here."
There is a life that I touch as I touch those that have been formed from bone of my bone and come forth from me into the world.... there is a majesty as my husband and I shut out the world and act as though it has all disappeared and it is he and it is me and it is us... the intimacy of family.. the intimacy of real community.....
These people under this roof know me.... they know me inside and out... they know my failures.. my weaknesses...my strengths... my tendencies towards the flesh and my capacity to soar in the spirit.... they know me and we walk together...
My two youngest have recently engaged in some massive games of hide and seek... and the laughter.. the excitement... the giggling.... the anticipation of being caught .. the desire to have found the perfect spot and to be the last one found... the sneaky switch hiding places within the moment.... the joy that erupts.....
Father has spoken... In this season where He will meet me the most is within the confines of the eight of us... and then the few who see us... who truly see us....
Sources of life... seeking them out.... allowing them to penetrate... allowing them to change me and be changed by them....
I was not ready to be a mother... at the time I had Norplant in my arm, a five year birth control option that was implanted right under the skin... I wasn't having any reactions to it or any crazy side affects.... and it was only 18 months when I felt the Lord speak for us to have a child... seeking counsel and forming questions so that the answers would fit what I wanted I would ask if God would ever say such a thing and ask for the opinions of man... to which I would receive the very answer I desired... "oh you can wait... there is plenty of time"
It was what I wanted... so I continued to ignore the voice that continued to speak His will that we have a child... until the birthday party of a relative where my perfect track record with the birth control method would be broken... my arm exploding in pain.. rushing to the hospital.. they removed it... weeks and months later many would start having problems with the device and the removals would become crazy with some cases....
As you could guess we got pregnant and we had our first son.... in calling him a name that literally means "God Saves" I had no understanding to the degree that through motherhood of this young man and those to come how much I would be transformed and grown by giving life and daily living with these amazing human beings...
What makes us family beyond name and blood is that we live our lives together... when they are tired... frustrated... angry... full of victory... full of defeat... I live my life before them .. vulnerable... transparent.. They see when I need to turn my soul to the ways of the spirit and not towards the flesh... they see me at my better moments and they see me at lesser ones.... and there is grace... love... empowerment... life...
I take this and how Father is meeting me here and begin to get it all the more.... I am really who I am in most places.... I am one who desires to live .. really live life with others beyond those in my household... truly why live any other way.... It is just exhausting and futile...
I recently told an older child who was dealing with rejection the fact was that those rejecting her were rejecting the image she was putting forward and I would reject that as well... she had had a few .. more than a few... "off days" and I told her she had fallen into this image of who she thought she needed to be but in so doing was covering up the authentic her and that was the person that people would receive.... and then even if that expression of her was still rejected at least she would be living her life and not the life others thought she needed to or her perception of what others that she needed to be....
I am who I am... created in His image.. bearing forward the aspect of Him that He desired for me to do so.. to hide that away in fear or rejection would be sad.... I will walk on the beams of sunshine and see metaphors in everything... I will get lost in some whimsical thought and dwell there upon that.. I will relentlessly love and seek truth and the expression of Father as it can be within my days... all that it can be... there is spirit and there is truth.. and I desire both... both fully and passionately... people.. God... family.. life... living.. joy... desire.... spirit... Kingdom... truest of true reality... the already and the not yet.... the fullness and the waiting.... more than anything perfect love... perfect love that screams there is no punishment... there is no fear... it has been cast away...
I will seek the Lord when and where He desires to be found and I will not hide away that which He created me to be but I seek after all of me that is hidden within the confines of His heart... all that He desires for me to display... Walking together with others and provoking one another onto love and life is that which I am living for.... for one day love and life will be all that we know... death has been defeated and love gets to move from time into eternity.. it always has been and always will be....
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