I sat last night and I sit in the early morning hours of the day ... in the dark.. thinking about tomorrow.... there have been other nights like this...
Our oldest son was induced and so I remember sitting at a kitchen table hours before my husband and I would leave our apartment for the last time without having a child.. I remember sitting there at that table and writing him a letter... telling him about what it was like for me to think that in just a few hours I would be a mom, that in just a few hours I would touch his fingers and toes for the first time.. look into his eyes... behold him.. in the dark hours before the dawn I would sit there and dream of him... dream of what he would mean... dream and ache for him...
On the eve before he would turn one I would return to that table and think over the year.... think about the day he was born and how on the night before I had sat at that very table and thought of him.... how in a year's time I had watched this magnificent human being grow before my eyes... how I had learned the joys and the exhaustion of motherhood and how I had beheld miracle after miracle as I watched creation unfold before my very eyes...
Other evenings where in the dark hours before the dawn came to mind tonight... nights before moves, nights before surgeries,before weddings, before funerals... before other births.... nights before meetings that would change our lives... I have thought about all these milestones tonight... maybe because tonight is such a night...
Tomorrow that oldest child will purchase his first car... that child that on a different night I had wondered what it would feel like to touch his fingers.. to hear his voice.. to see his face... tomorrow he will sit in a car that he has bought and will continue his journey into manhood.... he is a fabulous young man and I adore the human being he is becoming...
I watch ... I watch the days of our children's lives play out before me.. and I wish I could grab each one and each moment and linger and hold on to it and keep it close.. I wonder as each day passes so very quickly about the times and seasons ahead and I hunger to appreciate and bless the moments ... at times I close my eyes and try to absorb all that the moments hold to allow their impression to make upon my person a mark... a mark that remembers the giggles.. the sweet cuddles.. the looks .. the silly sayings.. the inquisitive questions... the journey.....
On nights like these that precede a defining moment I have learned to take the time and appreciate what was and what is and dream of the what will "bes"....
And as I as a mom .. as a woman... as a girl.. as a daughter of God's sit here tonight in the dark hours before the dawn pondering what the tomorrows of my children's days are ... I think upon Him... the most perfect Abba God... I think of the dark hours before the proverbial dawns that He in His heart has remembered... the times before He spoke let there be light ... the moments before He brought forth Adam... the moments before He unleashed the flood... the moments before battles where He knew His precious people would be brought into captivity... The moments before time after time when He would know what was about to write itself upon the histories of men ... the moments before He as creator would be within a womb being knit and formed together...
Through historical accounting within the gospels we have glimpses of the dark hours before the dawning of a whole new world.... we have glimpses into the heart of a Savior.. a lover... a friend... We have the narrative of his dark hours that would lead to the day that would bring forth His death... A marking of time that would forever change that which was offered to mankind...
There have been many dark hours before many dawns where I have wondered what exactly the day will bring... what emotions.. what transactions... what moments.... I rarely feel ready... I always have questions... I contemplate and turn my anxieties and concerns over to the One who cares for me... I sit... I linger... I am quiet and allow the stillness and solitude of these dark hours to have their way... so that as the dawn comes and as the day begins its course of unfolding while still not fully ready I walk into the day leaning... leaning on Him who knows dark hours before the dawns of the ages.. and whose wisdom and counsel and might and tenderness is supplied in more abundance than I could even think to ask for or imagine....
1 comment:
Beautifully expressed and written. Blessings to you this day. Sandy
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