Maybe it is that I slept 16 hours just a couple nights ago... or maybe it is that my mind unfortunately doesn't have an off switch... having been awake for a good portion of this evening and watching the clock tick (ok I actually don't have a clock that ticks but I'm sure there is an app for that if I really wanted) towards the hour where little feet and little voices will be arising....
Having realized I wasn't going to fall back off to sleep I came to the computer a while ago.... caught up on some work, but then just sat back and allowed myself to get lost in things I have heard lately.... felt lately....
So many words floating through my head.... so many pictures of events ... thoughts.... etc... etc...
But the one statement that keeps coming back to me is from a blog I read tonight.... A friend wrote about love and in his writing there was this statement of how it is not meant to perform but to believe....
Perform... and the weights/yoke that go along with it... my heart shuts down ... it doesn't take long ..... my mind goes blank and I switch into a mode of do... don't think... don't process just do... knowing the right thing to do and trying to do it has killed my heart and laid burdens upon myself I just wasn't meant to carry..... Instead of life I falter under the self imposed prison of ought and become a shadow of self that I don't recognize... without joy .. without delight... full of heavy silence and lacking air...
Suffocating under the weight of trying to perform this or that and be this or that all the while forgetting that I am all that I need to be in faith...
The older brother syndrome... doing all the right things but being angry ... doing all the right things but not understanding position in Father's house..... doing... Martha.... older brother.... they have a lot in common.... What is in the heart? And out of the mouth it will eventually speak...
I have touched upon a death so cold that my heart has felt so shut down... and then not wanting to write from this place.. waiting for it to lift but not seeing it lift I finally allowed myself to come to my sanctuary of writing and see if He would meet me here..... only to hear words full of love but difficult to hear... Thinking I understood maturity.. thinking I understood components of leadership... I stuffed and performed what I believed was expected from me and in so doing tasted a shutting down so isolating and terrifying....
"I never asked you to be more ... I never asked you to do... I have asked you to be... be with me... believe upon me.... surrender to me... let me do... let me act... watch as I move on your behalf.... in doing you exhaust yourself... become what you are not.. and remove yourself from my grace... " He continued speaking straight into my heart.... exposing places of doubt and fear and anger with His tender loving kindness He exploded light into dark places and where my feet were faltering He placed them back upon the path and He turned places that had become crooked straight.....
As one who hadn't breathed for days... I sat back and allowed the burdens to be lifted and watched the servant of all sevants show me what true leadership looked like....
No comments:
Post a Comment