Awake..... It isn't time to be a good girl

Can you feel it?

I remember being in California during an earth quake.

I remember feeling the world underneath me shaking.

I remember wondering if it would ever stop.

I can picture standing in the door frame holding onto the edges and just wishing it would.

Everything that can be shaken will be shaken................

Everything that can be shaken will be shaken.

As I sit quietly and think over the last years of my life the reality of that statement comes crashing forward.

I have good friends. I have really good friends. They grant me the space to be myself and figure things out. They grant me the room to be ugly and in process. They laugh with me, they weep with me, they celebrate with me.... We laugh and weep and celebrate together.

“It was in that moment you stopped performing.” Something to that affect was said in regards to a series of conversations we were engaged in. I have said that the one element, that has emerged from the last eight to twelve months, has been birthed from the component of losing the luxury of silence, propriety, and man pleasing. In this mother load of transition, that has piggy backed upon an already very long season, I stepped into a place where I was so thoroughly willing to say what it would be that I would truly want to say within most, if not all, of my conversations. In most places I ceased hedging my bets.

I was so conditioned in life that I would feel out the atmosphere of a room, a people, a conversation and enter into any such environment or circumstance metering myself out and morphing myself into a place of acceptability. Maybe not always but those places were only ever circumvented if I felt truly safe and if not I would stand as observer even if I was participant.

I won't go into the details of what has changed all that. I merely state it has changed. “It was the moment you stopped performing.” I have said that though these last months have held within them relentless punches I have never liked myself more and yesterday, when my friends spoke regarding that quoted statement, I realized how right they were.. Completely, they were completely correct.

Being “awoken and seen” has been a theme in my life and writing/blogging/ whatever you call any of this... has been geared towards that endeavor. I'm writing out my story in a form that is so thoroughly exciting me... a story of how just “A girl next door,” awoke and began to speak.

I have performed and people pleased and played the part of polite “good girl,” and I don't want to be a “good girl,” I want to be the human being I was created to be and speak with the voice I was given... I don't want to live a metered out existence wondering if what I say is offensive or not, nor do I desire to offend for the sake of offense.

Being awoken is a powerful sensation for one who lived so dormant for so long and I don't ever want to be lulled back into a passivity that quenches and kills.

I would rather be found wrong and challenged then watch safely from a sideline keeping quiet...

My favorite challenges these days are to look at Jesus and how He answered the challenges presented to Him and pray that Father would grant me the insight and discernment as to walk as His Son...

What do we do about taxes? He was asked! Whose face is on the coin...

What do we do with the woman caught in adultery? Who of you are without sin...

Always thinking they had Him caught and yet they fell into their own schemes...

He was awake.. oh so very awake... He was engaged.. He was intoxicating.. The people loved Him (until they didn't...) right?!? But even then He was faithful to who it was that He was...

Not the acclaim of men nor their detractions caused Him to waver... Whether He was with 3 or thousands... His heart, eyes and focus was upon the Father... from audiences with child or pharisee He met each one in the most inner places, connecting and speaking truth.. not some religious dogma or mantra but life..... LIFE

As I awaken.. as my eyes focus... as my heart grows strong so does my resolution...

When all that can be shaken is shaken what stands at the end is that which can.. what was built upon sand has long ago been washed away and what remains is awoken and awakening with a resolute strength and focus....

Awoken and awakening and walking and living.. not performing for men as a marionette nor lulled asleep but with eyes and heart wide open allowing that which will come to flow forth...