There was only one other blog post that was harder to write ... here goes leaping that leap again

I woke up this morning from straight out of a dream and knew to go to my phone....  as I reached for it I felt like there would be something on my Facebook wall or the page of Stir The Water that I needed to see... as I opened up the app on my phone I saw that there was a message from a most precious of friend....

A quote greeted me this morning....  a quote from a movie that was like an anthem for a community I was once a part of .....  On a morning of a day that has a list beyond comprehension of things that I thought was important... Father was stepping in and redirecting my path.....

I laid there in bed.. remembering my friend... remembering those days "of those precious moments that we spent sided by side." (Four Feathers)...  And then Father began to speak and I got why this morning... I understood (didn't like but understood) His reasoning....  and then as if to really unpack and tear up my schedule He spoke and asked for me to write....

There is only one other blog post on here that writing it was harder than this one..... but I get it... so here goes.... this isn't a comment upon anyone else or anything done... this is a condition of my heart and the lessons that I have learned.....

I stand at many a brink in life.....  transition after transition... By the time we move away from where we currently live a full seven years will have been lived here.... hhhhmmm fullness... completeness.... Where we move to is where I wanted to move to 7 years ago... and while 7 years ago I didn't understand this detour... I do now and no longer would I call it a detour...... It was the only way that traveling from one spot to another would have happened..... the lessons learned here... the family regained here.... the hope rebirthed here ... will forever live in my heart....

So my friend's quote this morning reminded me of other times.... and I don't have rose colored glasses upon my face but I do have love in my heart .. and appreciation for all that the Lord and men have taught me... There was a precious time in life... a time where I learned for the first time that I wasn't an ugly duckling ... that there was a community that I belonged to and that indeed there was a strength from being with like minded people that was so fully empowering and life giving...

As seasons come they can often go and leaving that season there was much to process....  I watched as friends that once shared neighborhoods moved across the globe and that place of where I thought I would belong forever was shattered......  

I remember writing that other blog post.. I remember the pauses and the tears.... but here is where it becomes important to write these things...

I know in the spirit there are so many numerous invitations to step back in again.. to trust again... To trust God's nature and character and that what He asks has goodness always attached to it... These  invitations are going out and what they are hitting are hearts that remember......  and in those remembrances there is also fear... fear of the what ifs.....   

I remembered this morning the goodness of the times .. I remembered the hard times and the lessons learned... I remembered the sad times and the growing times and the confusing times... I remembered....  and as I remembered what was spot lighted for me was this.... Not quite audible but loud enough for me to receive it...

He spoke.... and He spoke of how I hold back now... how I watch instead of fully participate.. how in my heart there is the belief that I would never fully belong again and even if I did all the what ifs of what if this too fell apart are almost too unbearable.....  

I mean it people there is time in life to get real... that is what this blog is about and this is what my life has to be about... we can't put faces on and life like white washed tombs.. in this area in my heart are dried bones.. is death.. and Father doesn't want that death there... and so even on a morning that has a list beyond miles long.. He doesn't really care about any one of those things.. I mean He does.. but beyond any of it... beyond any of it.. it is .. IT IS ... My heart He is after... always after...

And if I am going to step up into a place and call people towards relationship with Him then I can't allow moments like this to pass....  You can't allow moments like these that come into your life to pass you by because of what you once knew.. or once experienced.....  

Abou Fatma: Are you a deserter?
Harry Faversham: Something like that. I was sent to fight and I ran away.
Abou Fatma: Why?
Harry Faversham: Why? I just... There are many reasons why. Mostly I was afraid.
Abou Fatma: [laughs] I found you halfdead crossing the desert alone. And you say you are afraid?
Harry Faversham: There's a different kind of fear. Why are you protecting me?
Abou Fatma: God put you in my way. I have no choice.

Many of you are crossing deserts alone and walking upon terrain that only the brave dare to tread and yet you would say you are afraid.....  I .. was ... and am in places afraid... but there is a new courage that roars in .. that causes one to stand.. and it isn't about people.. or places... or organizations... It becomes about God... 

I had rendered my faith ill effective because of the desire for glory from men... but in these years my heart and my being has learned the nature and character of God and it is He .. and while unlike a great movie quote .. we do have choices..... we can choose death and the flesh and the world or we can arise and choose Him... and know that His goodness carries us through all things.. and that His grace is truly amazing....

I stand at a brink.... a crossroads... and  a beautiful people who love God and love each other.. and walk together are with me and before me and in front of me..... I have communities in my life again and people in my life again... I have the opportunity to walk forward with God and allow His perfect love to cast out fear.... I have the opportunity to not perform life or work or ministry but to live... to live this life that He has granted me and to follow Him to the places He brings me to.... 

The character.. Harry in the movie Four Feathers... leaves his post right on the brink of war....  and loses friends and loved ones.. and yet... goes after them...  He says at one point:

When something like this happens you are lost. You don't know who you are anymore and what you're capable of. Unless I do something this is always how people will remember me. A feather. And that is how I will always see myself: a coward. All I know is that I can't live with myself like this.

For me the words are slightly different... in different times and in different places I allowed my identity to get all wrapped up in what I did and what I belonged to... and in striving for selfish gain and personal ambition I watched as myself and others became capable of a lot....  And it has taken time... "When something like this happens you are lost.." And I was lost.... I was lost because I had allowed my truest of hearts to be covered by other things then God.... But in this journey.. in this not giving up .. in this continuation of walking....  I have overcome fear and am overcoming fear and what I knew that I had come to a place where I couldn't live with myself like that anymore God picked up the pieces and propelled me further into Him.... 

Where it ceases to be about anything else and becomes fully and solely about Him.....  Which it is always been about and will always be about...

You are courageous and bold.... You are not of those that shrink back... You are a child of the Most High God .. and He can heal your heart......