Being left wanting is not a horrific place to be....

Oh My!! Is about all I can say about this time in my life...  He gently nudges me towards memories and then just as gently asks of me to share....  no demands... no requirements... just a request... and the ways the requests are made my heart is wooed to His desires...

So here I go.. opening up another chapter.. another story... I've known for a while that the testimony of the goodness of God in my life isn't just for those who have had pasts like mine but for those that walk along side them....

When I see families now who have a loved one struggling with life and issues of emotions there is often little hope that there can be a day when things will be different...  and I get to stand and give hope that even for where they find themselves walking there is hope, joy, peace... there is life... for there is God... and He is gentle and He kind and He is compassionate and He never breaks a bruised reed or puts out a smoldering wick...

I get to talk about One who has done so much for my life that He took me in and He loved me and He strengthened me and He called me His own ... and though the nature of the world is that I will have trials and tribulations I need not ever fear for His nature is One of the Overcomer.....

I get to give hope...

So today as I walked our dog I knew what I would come back to and sit down with....  this is that...

I never expected to live beyond youth...  I didn't have a picture of life... I didn't learn how to function the way one needs to function properly in the world... I would manage for a season and then plummet...  academically, emotionally, physically.....

I can't fully think back to those days and remember any real train of thought.... there was more just existence... survival.....

So as an adult I struggled with the basics.... the basics of living... the basics of scheduling a day... scheduling a life....  thinking through and beyond the moment into the future...

As I said I never thought I would have a future... so there wasn't a need to plan...

I remember the loneliness of survival...  survival of the proverbial fittest... and that wasn't at all me ....  I remember dark nights sitting alone trying to come to grips with the fact I thought I was pregnant at 13 with someone's baby who sexual encounters should never have occurred with  .....  How then does one get up the next day and care about algebra?

I walked hallways and watched others quite as a zombie... alive not but living... breathing but barely...  alone in a world of secrets and lies and darkness...

Even then as adult.. I knew there was something wrong with my mind.. emotionally I could barely keep things together... but knew enough or had learned enough survival characteristics that I didn't speak... I didn't ask for help...  when I did try to convey where I was the looks, or expressions, or words would show me that I misstepped in sharing and I would close my mouth back up... and again enter into the darkest of places.. alone... bewildered... afraid.. ashamed...

No hope... only despair... getting through each moment was hell and there was no hope that it would ever be different...

My drugs of choice were food, entertainment, shopping... then ministry... If I gave you a ten dollar bill and I truly gave it to you.. I would never ask for it back .. it was a gift and it would be yours to spend....  so ministry... hhhmmmm... walking in revelation... knowing what God was doing... was like breathing to me... it is a gift but for a long time I got comfort when I could walk into that place and feel important...

However there are always others... and there are always failures.. and when gifting is your identity .. your drug...  you will stumble.. it is just a matter of time...  those weights were never meant for your shoulders... God in His kindness will always fight to woo you back to the heart of the matter....  to Him... You aren't that ten dollar bill.. you aren't the gift... you are so much more

So even in that realm.. I faltered.. even in that realm I allowed performance, comparison, identity... etc etc to steal my breathe and leave me wanting...

But you know being left wanting is not a horrific place to be...

For me it would entice me to lift my eyes up.. every now and then... I would lift my eyes up to the hills away from shopping.. away from eating.. away for entertainment ... away from detaching from reality... away from disassociating from pain....

I would lift my eyes up...

Covered with the effects of my journey my heart would hunger for something more....  without always even knowing it exactly I was being wooed towards my Father's house...

And there would come a day where upon my finger I would allow Him to place His ring and around my shoulder I would allow Him to place His cloak... And into my heart I would allow Him to walk further in.... those moments don't just speak of the initial moment of salvation.. although they saved me every time... they speak of a life whose focus is into that face .. the face of compassion.. the face of comfort... the face of overcomer.. the face of savior... lover... friend... the face of my Lord...

I learned to want Him  more than I cared what I looked like and in that place He brought help... and I've had to remember that lesson time and time again.... want Him ... allow Him... no facade.. no pretend face... no silence.. no shame... no humiliation.. to walk earnestly with the Lord and allow weakness to show His strength... I am His... His daughter.. and He delights in me.... 

For the Lord is my help, I shall not be afraid... what can man do to me ... well.. man can do quite a lot... but my Lord ... my Lord in those moments can do far more then I could ever think or imagine....

Blessed be His name... I am so very grateful for His kindnesses and His generosity .... He woos me further and further in and I am one who is absolutely convinced that the goodness of His nature will always triumph....