Who are you when you are alone? Who do you want to be.... JUMP

Who am I when I'm alone? Who am I 

when I am in a crowd?  Am I alone in a crowd?  Who am I? Who do I want to be?

Today I paused and looked back over the last month of my personal journal.

One topic came up over and over again.

Who are you when you stand alone? What are my pursuits when no one is watching? What is it that I truly desire? And I don't trust my heart in answer that question! I look at my calendar! I look at my check book! I look at what I have put my hand to.. (really put my hand to)!

The physical trauma of this season and coming to terms with limitations has opened my eyes to that which I really want to be... It slowed life down to the point of a near stand still and a pause and time for reflection was born.

Who are you when you stand alone?

I love The Holy Longing By Ronald Rolheiser. (There are some points I disagree, I believe we are body, soul and spirit while Rolheiser combines functions of the soul and spirit into one entity) But the book is powerful. It talks about passion. It talks about a pursuit of Christian spirituality. He touches upon Kierkegaard's concept of, Willing the one thing...

I could live on page 9 for the rest of my life and challenge myself daily!

There is an interesting reflection to be made on Kierkegaard’s definition of being a saint —someone who can will the one thing. Most of us are quite like Mother Teresa in that we want to will God and the poor. We do will them. The problem is we will everything else as well. Thus, we want to be a saint, but we also want to feel every sensation experienced by sinners; we want to be innocent and pure, but we also want to be experienced and taste all of life; we want to serve the poor and have a simple lifestyle, but we also want all the comforts of the rich; we want to have the depth afforded by solitude, but we also do not want to miss anything; we want to pray, but we also want to watch television, read, talk to friends, and go out. Small wonder life is often a trying enterprise and we are often tired and pathologically overextended.

He goes onto talk about choice. The paragraph right after these amazing sentences, Rolheiser states; “every choice is a renunciation. Indeed. Every choice is a thousand renunciations. To choose one thing is to turn one's back on many things.”

These thoughts along with others of mine have been marinating within my heart and into the depths of me.

My husband will often ask me in the course of our discussions, “what do I want?”

I don't care about numbers...

I don't care about making people happy...

I do care about people and want to see them transformed by the reality of the Kingdom of God.

There is so much that has just become exhausting in the name of “ministry,” and there is much I could never do again.. Hence my amazing husband's question..

Don't focus on what you don't want...

What would you want...

As I looked over at my journal. And as I study and ponder the online course I am teaching: http://walkingthepassage.blogspot.com/2014/04/a-free-8-week-stir-water-webinar.html

And as that course began to be taught this past week.. I feel myself coming alive! I felt life coming off of those participating.. I felt a hunger stirring and people coming together to seek out the Lord individually and corporately.

The “What I want..” is taking form...

I want to walk alongside and with a spiritually hungry people who are willing to jump into the waters. When the proverbial waters are stirred they haven't been sitting around for decades waiting for someone else to put them in... THEY ARE JUMPING IN!!!!

I want to walk with a people who, regardless of their circumstances, are learning and leaning into what Brother Lawrence said about fidelity. That regardless of how trying and dry the season is, what is of utmost importance is FIDELITY. An interior walk that challenges one's soul and spurs both individual and community on towards faithfulness within the heart, within the appetites, within the reality of the Kingdom of God.

I want to be challenged and challenge others into a life of focusing on the heart of God!

What a life!

I have grasped that despite all that this world would throw at us there are places we can dwell that keep us secure and full of joy. We weep with those who weep, and walk with those who stumble AND we call forth into each and everyone of us to LEARN what is it like to “Will the ONE thing,” in regards to choosing Him...

What do I want...

I want to walk with a community that is both virtual (online) and local (being formed in our towns) that allows the work of Christ to transform their hearts, their souls, their lives... A community where the life is focused on the spirit and the disciplines; where we cultivate and challenge one another on into the fruit of the spirit and the life of Christ...

I want to will the one thing.. As a woman, as a wife, as a mom, as a friend, as one who is passionate after life.... In all things.. I want to watch and participate in the inner transformation of myself and a people who are falling in love with the Lord more and more and being empowered to receive His majestic, amazing love!

What an exciting adventure... It isn't easy.. it is hard... and it will be hard.. BUT it will be worth it beyond our wildest imaginations...