There is something pulling on me this evening.... and yet I am tired.. and full of my own .. and lacking clarity... for hours having attempted to put this or that down upon the proverbial paper of the screen in front of me....
There is a fog that covers the path so deep and so dense that I can't even see my own foot.... or hand even if it were in front of my face... there is a storm upon a sea and even the understanding that He is asleep in the bow feels elusive to me in these early morning hours.....
There are things I know about Him that demand my soul rest .... there are things I believe about Him that call forth an understanding to rise up and take dominion over that which is my own soul.... there are realizations about the temporal nature of things of this life that lay their claim upon my heart and exert their truth upon my being and require of me to settle down into the peace that passes all understanding...
Do I see Him or do I see circumstances? Do I boldly push through the crowd to touch His garment or do I timidly shrink away allowing doubt and concern to manifest and proclaim victory? In moments that keep me awake... do I allow sleep and rest to be lost or do I know that He grants sleep and restores souls and causes rest for those that He loves?
I see faces of strangers and places I'm walking and things I'm doing and I acknowledge that I know not oh so many things.... I feel like the one walking in the most dense of fogs upon not even a path but through a thick wood... stumbling over the undergrowth while toes bump against this rock and that boulder.....
What leads me there into all the unknowns is a sense ... a pull .. that if I were not to go I would perish... but yet in going I feel like a bewildered child lost in a store unsure of where the safety of my parent resides.... The capacity to breath comes and goes.. the courage to step forward does the same... there is no understanding of even where there is but just that vague sense that there is a there and that I must go.....
Within these places... within these moments there lies the opportunity to hold fast to that which I know...
within these moments there lies the opportunity to be swallowed up by the questions or to boldly exist within the lack of answers knowing full well that I can most certainly trust the One who could answer all of those questions and more at any moment.....
I go because I have to...
I silence the questions because I must...
I stumble and fall and trip and stumble and fall and trip forward because forward is the only direction that I can allow myself to journey ....
I can't be comfortable within the harbor...
I must trek out towards the unknown shores....
and when in the middle somewhere between the two I doubt my landing spot I can but only look to the truest of Compasses and demand of my soul to be settled in the knowledge of Him....
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