a child should be conceived and then nine months later born... but that isn't always the case and when it doesn't happen it leaves its mark....

Many times it takes having someone look at situations in a different way to bring forth understanding.... Such a moment happened for me this evening... A good friend had me think upon our youngest daughter... the last child... A good friend had me remember tonight about the journey that brought her to us and the path that we had to walk...

A prophetic word had been given to us back in the year 2000 after we had had four children ... it included words for those yet to come... two yet to come.... and with Elizabeth it would be those words that would bring courage... that would bring strength... that would bring hope...

So in our journey to complete our family... in our journey to have our sixth child we would loose three pregnancies.. three babies.... in our journey to have Elizabeth we lost three children whose fingers we would never count.... whose laughter we would never hear... whose face we won't behold upon this earth in the physical ....

My friend walked with me through those years of loss.... of becoming pregnant only to miscarry.... time after time after time....... my friend walked with me actually sat with me on my sofa when pregnant with Elizabeth (just barely) fear was trying to grab a hold... my friend was bold enough with me to tell me to embrace the pregnancy and not live in fear... Today it was the same friend who called my attention to my now two year old sweet Elizabeth.. and in light of what that journey was it bore light onto the path of these current days.....

I was pregnant with other babies... babies that won't turn two or three or four... and as it is in the natural the spiritual realities are just as painful to the soul... There have been opportunities that I was actually a part of ... things that were meant to happen ... births... lives.... times that were to be one way and for lots of reasons weren't... the miscarriage of those times still can press into my soul and bring fear....

Bring fear in such a way that I look at the "pregnancies" of today and am concerned... concerned about loss... afraid to grab a hold of those things in my path very much in the same way I was afraid to enjoy Elizabeth's pregnancy.... would she be ok? Would I ever get to hold her? Would I ever see her face? Would I ever get to know her? If I let myself care about her and the pregnancy and I lost her would I ever be able to breathe ever again? Would I ever be able to try ever again.....

Today my friend helped me see the fear that lays itself at my feet... I have seen things fall apart... I have seen things not happen in the way that they should have... a child should be conceived and then nine months later born... but that isn't always the case and when it doesn't happen it leaves its mark....

But when it does there is joy.... there is life... there are dreams fulfilled .... I can live in fear.... or I can live in hope .... I can choose to love and live and walk or I can be paralyzed by the reality that there are times hope is deferred and it is painful....

In it all ... in life and in death.. in times of growth.. in times of lack.... in times of understanding and vision or in times of confusion... the one thing that I cling to ... the one place I can find peace is in the cool of His shadow... when all rages and peace seems so far away... I can bring that distance as if it were nothing... its choice and perspective... what am I going to believe and what am I going to give room to..... fear or faith... life or death....

I want to live and journey into the places where questions linger and answers don't always abound.... I don't want to be hindered by fear.... and yet I realize I don't always have the faith and there are times were familiar shores look so very inviting.... but I can't be anything other then that which I am.... and so even after miscarriage after miscarriage after miscarriage... I risked to think that we might actually have another live birth... and her toes I get to count and her giggle I get to hear....

Whatever vision ... whatever path... whatever whatever is.... I have to go there... I have to believe that no matter how many times things fall apart or don't happen I have to believe that wherever it is and whatever it is... that which the Lord wants to bring forth will come forth.... it might look different... each baby would have... it will be different... but there will be a day where the horizon will be seen and walked into and to that day I venture.....