As He repairs my soul.................................

I couldn't come to write tonight... I can't write if I'm not willing to open up myself for the flashlight of my Father to press upon .... I have to give Him full and free reign.... it is what He wants.... but as I have walked this journey of writing I have come to days where I have shaken my head and while not saying no I have said not yet.....

But I am ever determined to minimize my no before Him... I am ever determined to take His hand even when I want to push it and Him away...

Such a moment came this evening.... well last night if you consider when I'm writing.... His presence thick ... I couldn't look up.. and all in my heart I wanted to do was push Him away.... Relationship is relationship and I have one with Him... He is God and I'm His subject but within those truths there are the aspects of affection and love and relationship that He beckons us towards....

and I was in such a place that in all honesty if the Dearest Lover of my soul had physically manifested I would hope that I would have fallen to my knees and wept but in my heart all I could think of was I would push You away....

Knowing His presence and knowing Him there was an arm length between us... and I cared not to shorten it.... and then He began it.... a conversation that would take me hours to be wooed to actually listen to.... not proud of my stubborn heart but willing to express the condition of which it was found in

I'm not proud of these moments but I also don't think I'm the only one who has had them and staying true to that which I have said in writing.... it will be me .. it will be real... what else can I be.... I could postulate upon all the reasons that all I should have done at that moment is just repented... repented and yet as I know relationship with Him to be.... I know He grants time... and I know He knows I will always come around... there is no other place to go......

He kept showing me a picture of a play ground and a bully and He kept saying with the sweetest tenderness in His voice.... "You were pushed..." I didn't want to hear it... I knew what He was saying... I knew what He was talking about... I just still didn't want to go there...

In regards to that which He was talking about I knew... but the impression of the push was still upon my person and it was all too real.....

We just got done celebrating Easter.... and I wonder when Jesus hung dying upon the cross did the enemy think he had won... that a Man he couldn't tempt was actually now dying.... he couldn't tempt Him but now He was gone... were those the thoughts that our now vanquished foe had.... the horror within that being upon the day of resurrection.... when the One he couldn't tempt he also couldn't kill and beyond that the authority he had stolen had been taken back.....

The enemy won one round.... but lost everything in the end....

Wanting me to take His hand... wanting me to hear His voice... wanting me to receive His affections... that is what He stood there last night wanting me to hear..... I was pushed.... chalk round one up for the enemy..... but even now in the writing... the whisper of His sweet voice... "do you think he actually won?"

I love the Lord's questions..... but I do so love His answers even better....

You see for weeks I had been feeling the coming of a push if you would.... for weeks I had felt the tension within ... for weeks it was like I was looking over my shoulder knowing and feeling something... feeling something so twisting and turning but nothing fully apparent... being stirred here and there but regaining peace and equilibrium within Him...... and then in a moment of what must have felt like a victory for the enemy's camp the push came ...

In my estimation... I would think he actually won that round but in sitting here I know my maker sees it differently..... and so to higher ground I go....

A weakness was allowed to be exposed.... it was already there... just covered up.... but more than that a toxin was already within.. an infection already existed.... that prayer.. "search me Lord and know me" had been prayed... "see if there is any wicked or hurtful way" and "lead me in the way everlasting...."

And that is what my most faithful Father was doing... in a moment full of pain and agony .. in a moment full of terror and horror... in a moment that was supposed to be beautiful a flash ... the reality of a past moment .. a different time.. a similar event but in no way really similar came flooding in.. jolting me to the core of that which I am.... holding back a scream... forcing myself to stand... telling myself over and over this is different an infected place was lanced open... not by the hand of my enemy but by the hand of my Father....

So there is no victory in the camp of the enemy.... there is none.... and while the poison and infection is still being dealt with as the morning approaches.... it is no longer inside.... and the antibiotics per se and that which the Lord is doing is taking place......

There was a push but it was into my Father's arms... not away.... and that is where I will stay and rest as He repairs my soul..................