Standing alongside You upon the balcony looking out upon that which is Yours....
I couldn't have even ever dreamed up something as grand as You... I had no capacity of thought to believe that One so wonderful and so true and so full of grace and power and love would actually exist no less be my God... my Father..... I couldn't have comprehended that an almighty, all powerful, all knowing, all merciful Creator watched over me.... hungered after me... had given all for me.....
Not even an inkling resided within my being..... and yet all along You pursued and walked along side and held Your breath waiting for the day where my eyes would look up and acknowledge the gaze that was always upon me......
It startles my heart when I think upon all the misconceptions of You that exist ... a deep deep sadness fills my being when I think of You as You are and I think of the ways You have been portrayed and I think of the wonderment of Your being and know that so much has been misconstrued.... how much I lacked when I didn't see You and didn't know You as You are... but allowed my own mistaken beliefs and false perceptions to rule my days and my times....
Lack.... that truly doesn't even begin to describe the condition I was in.... and it isn't because of the story of my life .... it isn't because I didn't have... but in thinking that I had I thought wrong... and in thinking that I knew I was misled.... in thinking that I possessed that which I did I was delusional in the sense that I didn't see that which was actually surrounding me.... in thinking myself wise and my world view accurate I was a fool....
So I have felt this upon me for days now... and I so look forward to the writing of it.... I have felt the wooing of the Father to record our journey... to write about His heart... to speak upon that which He is and that which He desires..... He is so hungry... He is so absolutely hungry and in love.... so passionate that all would know Him as He is... so full of strength and desire... so holy ... so glorious... so magnificent... so mighty.... He is Father... so perfect... so absolutely perfect.... so other ....
A journey towards knowing Him and becoming more His.... I don't fear that I lose myself I only rejoice that in Him I actually find the most intrinsic picture of that which I am and as I dare to let go of my own preconceived notions of that which I thought I was I actually become the I that I was always meant to become.....
Sitting there with You.... silence filled the air and I just breathed it in ..... Your nature exuding forth from all that You are.... being saturated by Your presence and absorbing it into all my pores.... There is no other place like this.... there is no where I can manifest this sense of rightness on my own... but in You and around You it is solid and amazing.... In You and around You it goes forth and like an ever expanding galaxy it knows no end.....
Under its influence all must submit and all must bow.... under its influence... under Your influence I surrender and lay low and yet at the same time You beckon me to stand alongside as daughter... as beloved child.... the awesomeness of the moments that we have like this pour themselves into the deepest core of that which I am... created out of dust and yet bearer of the image of the very One whose desire called me forth into being......
I utterly adore these moments alongside You .... entrenched deeply into Your presence ... I learn what rightness feels like... I grow into understanding of that prayer so long ago taught... as it is in Heaven so let it be on Earth....
Your rule and reign know no end... and there is no doubt about where it is going or where it is headed... there are absolutes.... absolutes abound in that place..... and yet I learn and am awakened to the lack of rigid structure around those absolutes..... how many inconsistencies you allow to exist alongside one another because You are never in doubt... and there is no fear within You ever.... You know beginning from end and within the steps of the journey You have complete understanding and knowledge......
As I stand beside You ... I become reconciled to the fact that I am so small and so finite in my understanding... and yet so blown away by how graciously You pour out Your thoughts and Your ways and beckon forth the higher attributes that I can at any time walk within and live within and have my being within....
At times such solemn moments abound... We go forth from peaceful and joyful interludes to times where I sense the atmosphere around You change and in human terms a pensive solemn wonderment fills the air......
You rarely start there ... which in and of itself has me marvel at that which You are..... You most certainly always start with me in a place of deep and wonderful awe and affection... a place of peace and a place of delight and a solid place of such strength... then as You bring me more into that which You are You share with me Your heart and Your hunger.... I understand that I just could not bear it any other way... In my flesh and in my soul I would not have it within me to be able to share in Your affections and Your desires and Your hunger and Your sorrow..... without Your grace and without Your wooing into higher places that which You long to share would undo me.....
In this place with You I am awe struck.... of how full of affection You .. and how hungry You are to share Yourself..... Of Your desire for fellowship and friendship and relationship.... In this place I realize the difference between religious ascension to the truths of who You are and actually walking in places of friendship and relationship with You..... spirit to spirit communion with You has no counterpart in the flesh or the soul.... while in my own desire I can read Your word... and point myself to true North I can't enter into this place of communion without Your wooing..... I can't find my way here just by an act of my will.......
In this place I must fully submit and humble myself to that which You are and wait upon You and linger with You..... then stepping inside Your massive heart You share with me the treasures that are within.... I am linked to You ... tethered to You.... and Your very life flows in and through me and I truly cease to exist outside of You and it is Us.... and in this Oneness a beauty and abundance flows that words could never fully express and the human intellect could never fully comprehend without the grace which You supply in abundance......
In all that there is it begins and exists and ends with You... You give grace... You woo... You bring forth... You call into being.... You strengthen and You equip.... and so it takes the heart of one willing to walk the paradigm of free and separate individual creation and yet so utterly linked to Creator and creation beyond self.....
I am free to choose... I am free to neglect reality as it truly is... I am free to think upon anything I desire to think upon and yet in my freedom I am free to choose life and I am free to choose death.... and in those choices He has not the control ... I truly have ownership over that which I am... except I lay that down.... I want Him... I want His ways... I hunger for them more and more..... I walk that paradigm of knowing that He who knit me together... formed and fashioned for beauty ... uniquely placed within all that is me portions and parts of Himself that would not be demonstrated anywhere else upon creation....
There are aspects of Him that I am called to reflect upon this earth.... there is an image of that which He is that I and I alone bear... in the way that I would bear it.... and that is true for each of us.... we are called to mirror aspects of His greatness... and when we hoard them for ourselves and receive the treasures as a result of them unto our own person without giving Him the glory we are thieves and we are foolish to think that one day we won't be held accountable for our theft.....
You see I guess.. no I know... that I would rather relinquish any faulty notion of the concept that I belong to myself and that that which resides within me is of my own making..... I would rather be bearer of His image... there is nothing greater .. no occupation... no place... no stature.... greater than that.... that is the chief concept behind even the very reason I am I ... that I would know Him and I would love Him and that I would bring glory back to Him... for in reflecting the piece of Him that is mine to reflect I bring Him joy.. and I enter into Joy in ways I would not if I didn't venture into those places of submission.....
I am really not my own... there is no real truth to any statement that would say otherwise..... while I am free to make choices of whichever nature I so feel inclined to make ... I live in a state of less than that which I am if I choose other than Him... I live in a state of lack though I might have all wealth and all that I could ever desire... a state of lack and a state of less than is what I would operate in if I did not choose Him... His ways... They truly are higher than anything that operates or exists outside of life within Him....
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