I knew he was nearing.... and I knew He knew where to find me... but of course He did.... He knows all... sitting on that hillside.. hands behind my back leaning on my arms outstretched and overlooking the landscapes beyond me.... I didn't fully see His approach but boy oh boy did I feel it and then the light broke up off behind the hill and came up shining so that as He arrived there there was abundant light shining forth upon Him.... and our gazes locked and we stayed in that place and I felt His stare burn deep into me.... His understanding complete... His compassion full.. His mercy ever present....
Waiting and standing there He knew me completely and fully.... and He waited in those moments for me to settle into the fact that He truly was there... fully present ... and able to do anything I could think to ask of Him .... I didn't know what I wanted... and so I just looked to Him... and yet He stayed solid and unmoving.. not unmoving in any way shape or form that would denote unmoved... but unmoving....
It wasn't my doubt keeping Him at bay... it was my pain..... my confusion... my uncertainty.... my longing and yet my heart wouldn't fully relent.... but that was more than ok... because neither would His and He is oh so much stronger....
What did I want out of that moment with Him? It wasn't fully clear.... and then He spoke.... and broke the silence and open mouthed and wide eyed... I came full circle... He knew me.. He knew where He could find me... He had made entrance to that place available to me... He knew where He would find me.... as it pertains to not only where I would be physically but where I would be in my being... He knew all and He had come up that hill and come seeking and had sought me out... having left all to come find me ... He walked up that hill with all the presence and power to find me and to bring comfort and solace to a heart that needed Him oh so very desperately....
Tired ... simply in some places just so bone weary tired.... wanting to be like John and just recline upon Him and hear His heart beat and rest... rest in Him and upon Him.... wanting to be like Him and soak in the oneness of the deep and profound relationship of the trinity.... wanting to be one with them as they are one and know the strength that comes forth from the joy of that unity....
And there it was... and I looked into His eyes.. and found the answer that had leapt into my heart confirmed there.... I was tired... I was so tired of going it alone... so tired of thinking that I had to make it by myself.... and He still there not condemning me nor berating me for the way of thought that had so entered my life as a child.. but warming it out of me... wooing it out of my being.... drawing it forth out of my bones and in its stead a capacity to rely upon Him....
Just as deep as the lies had penetrated that I had no one .. the truth saturated deeper still and I knew that even in those days when I thought I was surviving by brute strength and sheer will He walked with me.... His rod and His staff had brought comfort to me... In moments where my resolve had completely been worn down and my tenacity drained from my being He had been there... He had been there and He was here and He wasn't ever going anywhere that I could no longer not go.....
In those moments of that hillside as I sat and He stood and as we locked eyes the most eternal of truths past through me and into me and around me and above me and under me and surrounded me... His love had conquered all... His love had never strayed.. never wavered... never could be less.. He had pursued me with a fervency and a demand that even I had never answered He would have never lessened it all the moments of all the days of His pursuit.....
And where the weariness of more recent times and seasons were upon my heart He took my chin and locked eyes again and I knew that He was far more able to do that which my heart desired then I was able even to come up with the words to ask Him to do so..... and in that moment on that hill I fell so deeply in love .. with the lover of my soul... my savior.. oh boy does He love my soul so very well... and in that place of need upon that place on the hillside I sat and He stood and in the fullness of joy that erupted out of Him He brought forth restoration....
Watch... and wait.. and see... His goodness..... His goodness and His decision for His goodness to surround my life overwhelms me and I soak it in ... and we will go leaping and dancing upon the hills and the mountain tops down into the valleys and beyond..... skipping and dancing and leaping as we go... as we go together....
Plugging myself so very completely into Him and His affections and His strength and His delight... and His rest that He offers ..... I will soak in the rest that He offers for it is in repentance and rest my salvation is found and it is in quietness and confidence my strength is renewed.... and He strengthens me as I lean... and out into the wilderness He had wooed me so that I would lean and lean well..... lean very very well...........
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