Have felt like Adam and Eve in the past ... wanting to cover up not just before God but before others...
In not knowing who I was there were many things that I allowed or actually the word allowed puts to much intentionality behind it... there were many things that just laid hold of my life and upon the landscape of my days laid waste... so much lack... lack of knowing who I was... who I wasn't... lack of even caring... lack of knowing where I was headed and where I was... lack of any concept of self and so anything and everything could define me....
In those places rejection and performance raised their ugly heads and I shrunk back from life and living.... looking for the approval of others... or maybe just trying to avoid the hits.....
This wasn't just in growing up and the days that were filled with abusive aspects that was the potting soil but it did was produce a vapor of a human being.... and from that place I emerged into salvation and a knowledge of Christ ... but while salvation was such an amazing component to my life... to say the least... the soil needed to be turned and changed up ... I entered into faith but brought my need for acceptance and approval right along with me and walked as a slave instead of the daughter I was always meant to be....
Today as I was waking up and getting out of bed.. I went into the bathroom and looked at the mirror and I paused..... I have truly allowed myself to let go of the proverbial leaf.... the covering that I would put upon myself to protect myself from whatever I thought I needed protecting from ..... And I walk now in a way that brings great delight to my heart... I am who I am... I allow myself to operate as the exhorter that I am ... If I feel the need to encourage or do a "mims" type thing I do it...
I am who I am.... I delight... I rejoice.. I am goofy... I am liberated... I laugh.. I am serious.. I am quiet... I am loud... I spin and twirl... I walk.. I skip.. I run... I am free to be me.... in all that that is... today and tomorrow and as I become even more who I am or change and transform... I am fluid and transforming all the time... and yet there is an essence of me that for the first true season in my life I can say I absolutely love....
Yup there are things I still struggle with.. want to pray for me pray that food isn't an issue... after losing 85 pounds over a year ago I go through spurts where I still struggle on either side of that issue.... where at times I still go to food for comfort.. or deny myself food to control.. I know it is there... and I pray and I am honest yet I don't focus... as my heart continues to grow bigger and bigger those issues will fall off.... I know the Holy Spirit is my comforter and I know that I don't need to control when I feel out of control I just need to go to the shadow of the Most High.. Creator of all things .. oh yeah my Father and sit with Him and ask Him to help....
I still struggle with not knee jerk reacting into emotion when someone does something I can't .. hhhmmm.. again the control word..... but I am learning how compassion and wisdom dance together and am learning to pause and breathe and wait and rest ...
I am learning that as He says He really does care for me and so I don't need to be anxious.. that He knows all things and I can recline upon His chest and lean right into Him and walk with Him and that He who knows all things knows me..... yup that is where I get great glee from walking these days... dancing and twirling and laughing and leaning.... moving away from those things that aren't of Him and laying ahold of those things that are... and hhhmmm learning the greatest joy and strength that comes out of the joy of knowing Him and how utterly and fully accepted I am ...
Ah that just makes my day.... dropping those leaves and walking naked (not literally) before God and man.....
I love being me... and my prayers for you are that you are there too.. that you are loving being who you are.. and becoming who you are... and that if you aren't today that you will start that journey... there is so much out there for you.. so much joy... so much delight... taste and see the goodness of our God.....
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