oh and by the way can you get your husband to pray with you...

The words weren't out of her mouth and yet I knew all along she had wanted to ask something different all along..."Hey can you pray for me," she asked.... "Of course" was my answer...then she spoke again, "oh and by the way can you get your husband to pray with you?" If it was a stranger it wouldn't have mattered so much but I cared about that person and yet time would show that that relationship was based more upon ministry and placement and title than on genuine affection...

I can't control what people say or do... I can't or maybe won't step into a place any longer of wondering what their motivations are..... I stepped into places where I did and that only led to death....

I try and navigate roads of relationship now as my heart leads me to be.... I have a strong tower... I have a refuge.. I don't want to lack discernment but I also don't have to embrace a hard heart..... I love relationship... I love fellowship... I love being around and with people..... I lived too long closing off my heart.... and not living... now I want to be wise but I want to be innocent... I want to believe the best, I want to think upon the noble things of a man, I want to think upon the good things of a person... not to be blinded and not to not receive revelation but I want to see with the eyes of my Father...

Seeing and knowing and yet loving and believing all at the same time..... I have recently been bringing things down to very simple levels and I am not dissuaded in doing so....

My husband is in ministry... and there are times where I realize that someone is wanting to be with me only to get to know him... and I realize that there are different aspects to friendship or relationship and that not everyone I walk with is going to be a ... if I'm lucky a season comes where I get to walk side by side to one such like that or they exist and while not close in locale they are ever close to my heart.....

I no longer want to close my heart off.... I want to be like Jesus who sat with Judas... or some of the other disciples that sat with Him for different reasons... I want to be like John and love Jesus and recline with Him and belong to Him and I want to receive people as Jesus did....

I want to know the real hearts of people and allow people to know mine.... and while being wise I want to be innocent... I don't want to pursue people for anything other than relationship... and I want to trust God for all else....

I might sound like a child these days.. but I spent days being wise in my own eyes and that was only death... and so I would rather trust... I would rather love... I would rather say go ahead know me so you can know my husband... it actually is ok....

I used to get hurt by it and take it personally when relationships would come and go based on favor... and now now I just want relationship... I'm not a dog willing to take scraps.. but I see the hearts and the hunger and the need of people to be loved and it isn't always about me and it is always about Him.... maybe I don't get to choose... or maybe in being wise I choose to love anyway... He has given me such a strength to release this... and while there are always hurdles to overcome and wisdom to be had... I just delight in Him and want love to flow in me and through me and I want people to know His love that knows not measurement and if I can be a conduit of that well... I can trust Him with all else....