I have embarked upon this path and I didn't even realize what it was I was doing. I began in the flesh with a good idea... I wanted to love God and love people and was hoping that doing an experiment like that would take me away from the hardness of heart that I had allowed....
I learned intentionality and purposeful living in deeper ways then I had gone before... but even with things that seem so good I hit a wall... it was to be one hundred days of living and learning to love and by day 75 I was hitting a wall of sorts... there actually are blog posts from that time... it was around Christmas 2009 and I really wanting things to change....
I've never been more grateful for that wall I hit then I am now... back then I just felt confusion and it would take months for understanding to begin to unfold... now I am so silenced inside and full of wonderment over the goodness and mercy of our God....
I was doing good... loving my husband more.. being more intentional with my kids and yet I was building a tower in my own strength and would have hit a wall eventually... To look back I'm so grateful that it happened sooner than later.... because walking away from attempting things in my own strength has been the most life empowering thing I could do.... don't get me wrong I'm not a lazy person or well.. even if I was 6 kids keeps you far from being lazy.... but this ... this is different... this is that which I was searching for all my days.... and I'm only excited to finally meet the road I want to walk on all the days of my life....
The verse that won't leave me alone these days speaks about rest and repentance and how from their salvation comes... there have been times where I know that the Lord has beckoned me to rest even when there were multiple things needing to be done... Rest.. rest and abide....
The older I get the more child like I become... there are truths that the Lord is laying upon me that He is causing to become my anthem... did I say I love where it is He walks with me these days... I do... I love this path....
Setting my mind upon Jesus... Isaiah 26:3 You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind [both its inclination and its character] is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You, and hopes confidently in You.
I've learned that character and gifting isn't enough... I could make all the right choices and be gifted in the things of God and be nothing more than a religious pharisee.... My heart must move even beyond the message of character and into wholeness... where upon knowing my God and knowing the depths of His love I am utterly and radically changed..
I no longer feel compelled to do this or that because it is the right thing to do.. I want to love.. I want to resemble my Lord... I want Him to made manifest in me...
The other way of love is leaving behind the notions that what used to seem right to me.. most of that only led to death... the ways of a man seem right to him but it leads to death.... I don't have to play some church or ministry game of politics... I don't have to do some monkey dance to please... I live my life as a child with a simple faith living the most amazing life that there is....
Will I take Him at His word? Does He care for me? Are His ways higher and better? Does He see the whole picture? Can He be trusted? We want to live these complex lives and yet it is said that even if we knew all the mysteries of Heaven and earth but had not love we would be nothing... I would rather not be nothing in my Father's eyes....
I see the dance.. I see the swirl.. I see the spin... an amazing amount of affection... an astonishing way of life... The Father loving the Son.. the Son loving the Father... They are one as we are one ... the amazing truths of the Gospel..... allowing myself to be pulled into that presence.. into that affection.. it is altering the way I breathe... it is altering the way I think.... I'm not even sure what it is fully doing... I sit in amazement of a peace that surrounds me and it is all about love.. and the acceptance with my creator...
My heart no longer condemns me.. I have come to a place where I learning that which I am.. no more.. no less. and it is a place wonder.. and awe.. and love... the road is settling and my help comes from my Lord who is the Maker of Heaven and earth... I believe Him... I believe He hungered for me.. He sought me out... He sacrificed... He gave all He could give.. I believe my name is written upon the palm of His hand and I believe that He covers me with His shadow and under that shadow.. under that presence.. under His love will I abide.....
My heart no longer condemns me and I approach Him with a boldness and a confidence... not an arrogance ... but I have seen (not because of anything He has done today... there has been no big event .. no huge ah ha moment.. this has been daily living with Him) I have seen the land of the living.. and the life that He offers yet while I still walk upon the earth is most amazing as it is seen through His eyes...
I lost so much and yet in losing and in suffering I found more than I ever thought possible.... He is gorgeous.. and amazing... and thoroughly beautiful... thoroughly awesome.. thoroughly majestic... He is that He is... and I am His... and He is for me....
I think back upon days full of cynical and skeptical thinking ... days of heart sickness because of hopes deferred and I realize that I linked my hope with action instead of a person.... instead of Him... and I remember the lack of peace and I shake my head.... at myself... I thought I was wise but in my wisdom I was the fool.... and now in entering into childlike simplicity I find a wisdom not born of man nor of the world systems and resident within me is a solidness I have never known....
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