Fear Factor

Years ago our family would gather around the television and watch as contestants would eat the craziest things or perform the most outrageous tasks..... all competing for a money prize and to hear the words "fear is not a factor with you"

I come tonight to the words... to find the letters that will form them... to find the expression of my heart... to look past and see future and attempt to step into new ground...

So much rests upon me these days to sort through... to lift up .. to navigate... so many roads lie before me that I have never stepped foot upon.. and they all seem to be barreling down upon my life quicker than I know how to navigate... eating bugs or jumping from one moving 18 wheeler to another seems like a cake walk comparatively...

Last night I taught on the Stir The Water's Online Discipleship class about Loving God with our whole heart... and I spoke about how I believe that the meaning of that isn't that we achieve this place of wholeness and then offer up the truest love to our Creator... I spoke about how in learning to love Him we offer up ourselves as we are... that in presenting our hearts we present the places that have learned wisdom as well as the places still living in folly... we open up to Him the places that have been touched by perfect love and the portions that are still very much afraid...

I opened up and shared my heart and yet this evening Spirit has landed and asked and wooed me to step into it all even further....

Last night I watched the Parenthood tv show... and in the episode a mom is trying to navigate life with a newborn and a teenager and a preteen... wanting to have "family time" and understanding the different interests and needs of the different ages... as I watched that story line progress I laughed and I cried.. it was my life.. a son looking at colleges and a 2 year old daughter playing "tea" with her teddy bears...

My heart does not feel strong enough at times... my heart feels like it falters more than not....

I think often of where we walk in terms of ministry and of the pouring out of our lives... and again my heart does not feel strong enough at times... my heart feels like it falters more than not....

I think of where I want to go and and what I want things to look like and what my desire is... and a hunger resides so deeply within me to venture there.. and discover that path .. how do we walk knowing and loving God and each other... how? And again my heart does not feel strong enough and falters all along the way...

Moments come and I am reminded of Him and I am rescued ... from my fears... from my doubts...

His patience.. His gracious nature.. so merciful... so kind.... the knowledge that He sees me and knows me... and that I live there as His daughter and those moments they come and take me away and I am strengthened.... reminded....

Then other moments come as the wind and the waves and sweep me off my feet and I am wet from head to toe... dripping from the effects... staring out towards the horizon and wondering once again is my heart strong enough...

Questions laid bare at my feet.... demanding an answer... laying at my feet accusation and fear.... I know from where they come ... that voice that screams lack... and yet can my heart still those storms... can I rest amidst all that would tell me all the can'ts that exist.... no... I can't always.... I can't always find my way towards truth... I can't always sleep in the bow... I am Peter sinking.. I am the disciples awakening Jesus .. I am Abraham lying about Sarah... I am Sarah laughing at the word of the Lord and exclaiming "how can that be?"

But I am also Mary standing asking the Gardner "where have they placed His body?" I am the one breaking a bottle of perfume upon His feet... I am the one at His feet.. I am the one caught in sin needing to know that there is no condemnation .. I am the one hiding in a tree feeling so very small... I am the one reclining upon His chest...

I am both.. and I bring both to Him .. for He knows... and one day ... one day He will look at me and say "Fear is not a factor with you." One day His perfect love will reside more permanently than I could ever even dare to think or imagine... to that day I journey... Being Peter both sinking and Peter having walked upon the water....