Though the fig tree should not blossom... yet I.......

There are moments in life that are just you and God moments ... moments when whether on a walk or lying on a bed that all gets hashed out and fought through..... And tears get shed and hearts get shared... and the basis for all relationship is forged...

There are moments in life where the situations and circumstances are either going to change one's heart or one is going to rise up in those moments and have a heart that changes situations and circumstances...

I've had a bunch of those moments lately... moments where I look down the road each way and see decisions before me and attitudes before me and which one will I grab a hold of.. will my attitude only end up pushing me through death and towards life or will I choose death and not enter life...

Death happens either way... one gets darkened and lost in anger and betrayal or one walks into death to emerge to greater life...

I laid on my oldest son's bed after organizing his room for him a bit... (as an act of love towards him I stepped in and finished his laundry and sorted some things for him) but there I lay... reviewing the day....

Questions pounding upon my mind... what do I want? Here is where honesty hits the road and I look at our life in the ministry and I wonder... I wonder how much westernized ministry is of Jesus .. how much of our life would be over turned if Jesus walked into the temple of our lives.. of our organization... seriously if you can't ask that question then get away from me and if you are offended that I ask it oh well....

Ministry the way I have seen it or most of it I don't want.... I don't want the back biting and the vying for position... I don't want the jealousy and envy and the insanity ... but more than anything I don't want the lack of love.... and this is where my heart aches.... my eyes have seen to much.. my heart has watched to much transpire... I will either get cynical and hard or lay weeping before my Lord because I know that things will change.... I know that things will change because I know Him... and I know the end of the story... but in these times where the love of most will grow cold and the evidence of that surrounds us daily the possibility for growing faint stands at the door...

Cynicism is easy it is the coward's way out.... but to hope.. to hold out hope like in Habakkuk 3:17-18

Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
eye I will rejoice in the Lord;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.

To hold out hope and rejoice anyway that is strength.. that is courage... looking into a day where there is no fruit on the vine and the produce and crop has failed that takes courage... It takes courage to step back in and not give up.. courage to having seen ugly to believe there is beauty.. having seen death and disease to believe that there is life and hope and healing.. having seen jealousy and envy destroy to believe that there is a love that lays down one's life for another...

Today I looked down a road.. divided... touched questions of whether or not what my life encompasses is actually the road I want to walk on... touched the reality of walking away and what I came up with is I love Him... and my life is in His hands and all He has truly asked of me is to love Him with all that I have...

So I prayed a few days ago.. these words as tears streamed down my face... I said to Him who hears and knows all ... I said "Father there are 5000 hungry people and I have but a fish and a loaf.. please" Though the fig tree should not blossom.. yet I ..... yet I ...