my prayer is just that I don't allow myself to be the camel again... sand doesn't really taste very good..

These days.... this season.. the lack of writing until the very last few days... Coming back to my zone on the word of a friend saying "maybe you should write.." On the night that she spoke that I ignored it... It hurt to much to think about my sanctuary.... I wasn't where I normally am when I come to writing and so to even think about touching it was too much.... I didn't write that night....

But don't you know when something is on the heart of our Father He is relentless... (Side note... I love LOVE that about Him!! Let me say that again... oh because I can... I LOVE THAT ABOUT HIM... His relentless nature... His relentless pursuit... His relentless passion for you... for me... WE .. yes we are the driving force of His heart... His heart of love... Love is the driving force behind our God... )Side note done or as my amazing pastor will say rant over ...

This morning started with me thinking.. always a good thing... but I was realizing I was falling under the weight of others thoughts and opinions and allowing them to change me... allowing them to influence me enough that I was forming a shell around myself... This morning something arose in me... something that said... nope.. unkindness doesn't have to be received nor do judgments... In a moment of thought I felt myself stand up again... in a moment of thought I felt this roar burst forth and all of a sudden I was me... I was thinking like me and feeling like me and as in one of my husband's favorite movies (Hook) I was looking and discovering... OH there I am....

Courage flowing with it .. my oldest daughter hopped into the car and her favorite song these days is "Days of Elijah," so on it went but she doesn't know the lyrics so over and over again we just played the first verse.. it took me a while to say hey I have a smart phone.. I can just look up the lyrics for her... but going over and over the lyrics and teaching them to her had continued to ignite something in me and she and I had our moment.. smart phone .. no smart phone... we were together....

Parking in my driveway is where this message formed..... I thought about how I have a voice... This past season I have forgotten that... I had allowed others voices to be louder than my own as I doubted my voice.. as I doubted my thoughts.. as I doubted.. I quickly became that person James talks about ... I was tossed....

Sitting in the driveway it was as if my voice roared back in .... it was as if my heart had stopped but was being empowered back to life again... my eyes opened... and I looked behind me (not actually) and I saw waste places... my husband has really been sitting on those passages in Isaiah.. and I had offered up the waste places to God and He was giving me back my life.... I had questioned everything... and forgotten the essence of who and what I am....

Everyone has an opinion... EVERYONE.. and I was allowing those thoughts and opinions to stick... This morning having been turned back on and recognizing myself I recognize fear comes with a masking tape and places it over our ears.. our eyes.. our mouths...

I have a very blessed life... I don't know what I am doing... there it is .. I have no 5 year plan... but I have a beautiful life full of amazing things... times of victory and times of defeat.. times of complete joy and times of sorrow.. times of wisdom and times of complete ignorance.. but you know what It is all my tapestry... embracing them all I allow myself to know that both will come and each will be ok... and I will walk it out... my prayer is just that I don't allow myself to be the camel again... sand doesn't really taste very good..