What happens when years become months and those months become weeks and then days and then hours... what happens then?

I truly don't know what it is that the Lord desires for me to learn by walking through this but these are the words that are running through my head and I know what they are linked to but I don't understand the lesson...

So here I go .. journeying into these words....

I keep thinking of the night when I sat at a kitchen table.. and wrote in a journal about how excited I was to meet our oldest son.. I would be induced the following morning and our lives were about to change forever..... I would touch fingers I had never held before and I would look into eyes that had never seen before and I would behold the child that would bring my husband and I into parenthood...

His sweet little fingers wrapping around my littlest one and his grasp so strong and yet so tender.... lately I think about an evening to come... a night when I will sit at a table and look at the door and it won't be my bag packed and ready to go to the hospital it will be his bags packed ready to leave for college....

Dreaming of the future used to have whimsical aspects to it.. there weren't the conversations that included the names of real colleges and real places.. there wasn't the dialogue about majors and what he was wanting to pursue... There were the childhood dreams of all the childhood things that children dream about that they will become... These are now the dreams of a man... dreams with a twist of reality but still dreams....

The years have floated away and left with me months... months will pass by and leave me with weeks and weeks will dwindle down to days towards one evening and one morning and one hour and the minutes where I watch our oldest son enter into the next phase of his life....

The hand that once grasped my littlest finger will reach out towards his next hour... day.. and days to come...

hhhmmm.. Lord still don't know where you are going with all this...

I process these things in light of time.. in light of how much my life has changed from being a mom to all six of the children we have... there lives have been like water forming and fashioning geography... they have changed me and I will never be the same....

I know the times and the seasons.... as my fingers go from key to key I hear the sweet voice of my God... "I know the times and the seasons.." Before the foundations of the earth were laid He knew my times and my seasons... He knew my days before I even took my first breath...

This I can lean into ... this is solid... and this becomes the moment... my children make me vulnerable.. vulnerable to emotions I wouldn't have had unless they existed... their dreams and their desires and my desires for them to pursue life and God and their future all come together.... my heart beat for them... my desire... they affect me...

AH the scripture Song of Solomon 4:9 “You have made my heart beat faster, my sister, my bride; You have made my heart beat faster with a single glance of your eyes,

I get this... my children capture my heart... their times .. their seasons.. our times and our seasons .. together.. who we are ... they reside in my heart and grab a hold of my affections in ways nothing else truly can....

This .. this journey to look at time.. to lay open my heart to the times and seasons of life... brings to bare the reality that what I feel is not even a drop in the bucket compared to how He pursues me... compared to how He loves me... My heart and my desire for the success of my children is nothing compared to the fact that He does know the plans He has for me.. plans to prosper and not to harm..

These things are solid.. I stay up late sitting side by side with my son working on college prep aspects to life... in regards to academics.. in regards to athletics.. we sit and talk and work together to bring forth His dreams...

For I know the plans I have for you..plans to prosper you and not to harm you.. if we who are evil want good things how much more does He for us... and all these verses and all these truths running through my head and my heart and I begin to soar...

Months of waiting do become days and days do become hours and then suddenly we are walking into the plans and purposes that He always knew would come forth... and not to be cliche but in then walking out moments that get us to those places and coming to a place we can abide in the truth that the journey was what it was truly about.. the process of becoming more like Him..

Tonight.. tonight I just recline.. I cease striving and I rest and recline.. in repentance and rest is my salvation and in quietness and trust is my strength... I say yes.. yes to Him.. yes to the fact that He knows all things and that in Him I can live and move and have my being..

These times and these seasons are handed over to Him and I desire to follow them out... He sits with me and helps me journey through unknown roads... His promise that as in the natural so in the spirit...