Emerging from moments that don't have words to express them I feel like a challenge laid at my feet. I am one who doesn't care much about periods or commas... prone to end all my sentences with not just one period but at the very least three or four of them I feel pushed to actually form sentences tonight. I feel pushed away from comfort. I feel pushed away from places of safety and ease into a place of deliberate decision making with my writing.
"Places of deliberate decision making," is an interesting statement. I step into this place of choosing words more carefully. I step into this place of looking at what I am writing. Normally I close my eyes and placing fingers to keys I allow myself to get lost within the world of discovering language,spirit and Him.
In these first few moments of attempting this I see how Father knew exactly what He was pressing when upon my soul He placed this task. In my comfort zone of closed eyes and fingers on keys it matters not to me what others think regarding my sentence structure. I care only that the words are flowing from an authentic place of relationship with Creator. I care only that the words are reflecting me as a person, desiring deep authenticity with man and with God.
This exercise is pushing all my buttons. This exercise is full of what I am walking out in life right now or at the very least what I feel I am walking out right now. I haltingly enter into this time and tears flow along with emotion because an anger erupts that I wasn't even aware of existing.
"No!" I want to scream! This place of writing IS our place. It is the place where Father, Son and Spirit and I dance. I want to scream as tears streak down my face. "Don't touch this place. My place. Our Place."
Then as if a cue card is held up I realize He took me down a path of exposure. I see that He has been saying "No." He has been saying no quietly all along. However I had allowed other voices to become louder.
Restrictions of tonight's writing lifting I see the freedom that He grants and the confinement I had placed myself in... not in writing but in everything else... So He took the one place where I still was allowing myself freedom to close my eyes and leap and jump and dance.... And in taking it away I was exposed... In Him touching the place that is most precious to me.. Our time.. Our place .. My safe place... writing without restraint... words... periods... just me.. just Him.. As He touched that place tonight what was unleashed was the most amazing gift... He was showing me where I was living.... and that He was saying NO!
I have lost myself lately... my courage.. my footing... and in the place of loss I erected standards that I thought would be safe to stand behind.... What He asked me to do with language tonight I was doing in every other facet of my life.... I was being so precise .. not out of life giving desire but out of fear... I was calculating risk and relationship instead of diving in and being myself.. I was closing myself off and retreating into some perceived safe place .. only emerging fully here as I would write or under His hand during a meeting... but in the moments of my day as I walked in and out of times here and there I was losing myself to a closed off version of me that wasn't me at all....
In not sleeping well these last few nights I have tossed and turned as I have attempted to find an avenue back.. an avenue back ... a remembrance ... yet I felt so lost... Not even wanting to touch the who of who I am because the situations and circumstances I find myself in required in my estimation more.. more than that which I am and so failure seemed inevitable... The weight of judgements of personal lack that have swirled in the days and weeks that have passed have been debilitating ..
The very thing I feared tonight when He transitioned my thoughts about my writing.. when I thought He was going to remove from me the fluidity of just stepping into this place of figuring it out as I go.. as my fingers leap.. as my eyes are closed... In thinking that sentences would have to be perfectly formed and grammar actually paid attention to that which I was going to be writing took me away from me... and my eyes were open and my fingers moved much slower... every thought .. every word was met with the question, "Is this right? Is this correct? Am I writing that sentence the right way?" And death pushed in on my heart... But then the realization that it wasn't my writing He was after... It was me... It was me all along....
1 comment:
Hey Mims, have you been reading my journal or something?! Excellent post. Thanks for being honest.
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