Much harder to write but so glad to have done so.... True Confessions .. Part 2

The second thought is "Are you kidding me?" In her song about Africa, Sara Grooves sings about her experiences changing her.... That that which she saw in Africa and it's children  affected her deeply..

I experienced something different when I listened to that song... There is a verse that says... 

"I saw what I saw and I can't forget it 
I heard what I heard and I can't go back  I know what I know and I can't deny it 

Something on the road, cut me to the soul "

But for me it was the man side of ministry.... Who in their right mind would do that.... I had seen things.... Heard things.... Watched things happen.... The ugliness that one can do to another out of insecurity ..... Jealousy or envy .... Selfish ambition and the list goes on and on

The beauty of that which God does interlaced within the humanity of man had cut me to the soul and I was done.... Not with God but ministry outside of family and close friends.....  


I had seen too many battlefields with my friends bodies strewn across them or watched friends take themselves out, get ambushed by friendly fire, or lay there bleeding and dying or maimed or injured ....  My heart couldn't take another round...

Acknowledging the lack of character within myself and the ugliness that resided there .....  My motivations getting all screwy and not knowing if I could handle the pearl of great price well....   Seeing the propensity for flesh and soul to get caught up into things that affected real people and hurt real people and I would rather walk away than face those things within me or others...

Sara Groves song continues...

we've done what we've done and we can't erase it ....we are what we are and it's more than enough.... we have what we have but it's no substitution 

Something on the road, touched my very soul 

God has a way of wooing back hearts to His plans and purposes ...  While I still could see the battlefields I could feel the love of my Father pursuing my heart ..... 


I could see a plow in front of me whose handles I was to put my hands upon and yet couldn't .... Fear had laid ahold of my heart and I couldn't and then sorrow filled my heart because I would look into Father's eyes and lacked the courage to take the first steps...  


The cost seemed way to much and yet I was tortured by that.... There was no cost so great that God wouldn't pay it and yet I was saying no... I was hesitating where I wanted to be able to jump in and say and scream "yes!"  But I couldn't and that weight of discouragement took it's hold and hope was no where to be found..  


Sara's song continues...


I say what I say with no hesitation 
I have what I have and I'm giving it up 
I do what I do with deep conviction 

Something on the road, changed my world


I write these words with no hesitation.. Ministry and Christians can kill... And bring more harm that cuts to the deepest part of the soul because it involves God.. 


I have what I have... Experience.... A limp.... A concern that says things can go very badly but within that I have a first hand trust in God that He truly does work all things for good... 


I do what I do because I know of nothing else.... I can't but do the work of my Father who lavishes His love and affections upon me .... I love my Kingdom and the truth and the life that it brings and it has changed me...  


While fear and concern are not fully vanquished foes within my life I do put my hand to the plow ...  Because I know the advancement of Kingdom territory and the advancement of the affections of an amazing Father are worth every battlefield I am to face...

Beyond that I know more fully the love of Him whose battle it was always anyway and I know that though i have friends whose bodies lay strew still upon those fields ... That their bodies have now become skeletons....  Well, friends and dearest parts of my heart...  I have a story to tell you about a new army whose God makes bones and skeletons walk again....  

I love you...