Sometimes it isn't so much fun seeing..... sometimes that which we see brings pain or weight.. sometimes that which we see evokes the need for a heart change ..... Sight should always bring growth but it isn't necessarily unproblematic.
I guess I should know You better than this by now... having now seen I realize more of what this new time with You is about.... I thought it would be solely a romance... I thought it would be solely about wooing my heart and others to know how much You love seeing us and being seen by us and that which flows out of those times.... I was right and wrong at the same time....
I was wrong because today didn't feel like a romance... Today Your finger and sight brought pain and I sit here undone and weepy.... I was wrong in my perception of what these times were going to be ... However even in being wrong in that which You were going to do I was right that it was solely going to be about romance... and it was solely about wooing my heart and others to know how much You love seeing us and being seen by us and that which flows out of those times.... I was right and wrong at the same time.....
I am still a girl so very much in love with her Lord... realizing the title Lord lives between us as much as Savior, Redeemer, friend, Father does..... and I have declared with my soul... my heart, my mind, my will..... emotion... strength... that I will go where He leads......
Today I saw You... I saw Your finger reaching out and then I saw a picture of her and my knee jerk reaction was to shake my head and say no to You... I think I was in shock... I was waiting for You ... Knowing that the time had come where within this time that we have that You would be coming.... but never expecting it would look different... never expecting this time to hold within it pain first..... Sight of You bringing pain.... I have known Your healing... I have known Your discipline... I have known these things but this was deeper and different....
This was an extraction without the novocain... and You were adamant.... Standing there silently but so firm that Your strength vibrated off Your person... I swallowed hard... Looked up although everything within me so didn't want to.....
Deep breath .... and I said, "OK." My mother's mother... we called her nana.... and today it was that which You wanted me to see....
Whether it be pain that still resides within my heart or judgment that lives in my mind.... Your finger came as one of a surgeon and Your Lordship came to own more of the territory that is called my heart....
So I was right and I was wrong...
Wrong that these times would only encompass the pleasure aspect of our relationship but even in saying that I know how right I was... because these times do encompass the pleasure aspect of our relationship... it just doesn't always look the way I think it would....
Sight brought pain today but in receiving Your direction it also brought forth pleasure.... Pleasure in the knowledge that You see me... all of me.. and when something is harming me... something I am not even aware of... something I even thought I had overcome... You come and You see me and You say, "this!" Being seen by You is the most delightful aspect of this life... You see me... You know me... You lead me...
As You see me ... You see me completely and in Your sight of me I am made whole... As You see me I become that which You fully see.. more of You and less of me.... As You see me I am becoming me as You always intended for me to be......
I am a girl so in love with the One who sees and knows completely... I am a girl in love with a Lord who catches up my breath and causes my heart to leap.... I am a girl being changed into who she always wanted to be and I am a girl who oozes gratitude.....
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